I can barely see the laptop screen through my tears.

Girl Next Door Holly Madison and Criss Angel, starfucker magician extraordinaire, have called it quits, and Holly’s moved back to LA.

“She was very much in love with him, and they’re still very close friends,” a source close to the former couple [said], adding that the decision to split was mutual.

“It was a conflict of schedules. She felt she couldn’t devote 100 percent of her time in Vegas and his career at the expense of her career and her goals.”

The 29-year-old Madison and 41-year-old Angel had been cohabitating at the magician’s Sin City abode since December, but the Playboy pinup recently moved back in with family.

Ummm, didn’t Holly just quit her job at Playboy so she could spend more time in Vegas with Criss? (But not before she blasted her former employer online and then rescinded her comments.) Where is Holly going to work now? What the hell’s she qualified for? Hustler? Nah, Holly’s a creative type with a good eye for beauty. Betcha anything she launches yet another accessories/fashion line.

Holly can now add herself to the looooong list of Hollywood hotties the gross magician has fucked and discarded — including Britney Spears and Cameron Diaz. CONGRATS HOLLY!

Now how long until Kendra Wilkinson and her football fiance break up?

Hmmm, I’m not sure what to make of this. Apparently Holly wrote on her MySpace that she quit her job at Playboy because it paid jack shit and wasn’t interesting anymore, but then when I went to look for the entry just now it was gone. Why did she remove it? Here’s what she apparently said:

“When one is trying to move on with their life, it isn’t beneficial to spend so much time on something that doesn’t pay much and sadly enough is no longer rewarding to you,” Madison writes online.

Three specific reasons for leaving: The job doesn’t pay enough for her to commute from Las Vegas, where she now resides to be close to Angel, it’s no longer challenging and it was just plain awkward.

“I never cared about the salary when I got the job – I made my money doing Girls Next Door, and I just did the job because I loved it,” she writes. “It annoys me when people call the job fake as if it was just a set-up for the show.

“If I had wanted a fake career,” she adds, “I would have stuck with the jewelry line because that required very little of my time.”

The entry is now gone, and the most recent one is some entry about her shared birthday party with Criss Angel. It includes the picture I’ve posted above, which is pretty much the best pitch for a reality TV show I’ve ever seen. They can call it Beauty and the Douche. I’ll watch.

No way!

I thought she wanted that job more than anything in the world!??

Holly Madison has resigned from her job as Playmate editor for Playboy — apparently because she wanted to spend more time with Criss Angel in Vegas. Sources at Playboy says she hasn’t really been doing much work around there recently anyway.

It’s funny — I was watching Girls Next Door last night for the first time in forever. The episode looked like it had been filmed in early-to-mid 2008 (they were casting the 55th anniversary Playmate), and the change in Holly’s attitude toward Hef was so, so obvious. She was traveling for a week on the casting search — she and Hef never would have been apart that long in the past — and Hef kept saying, “Wow, that’s such a long time for you to be gone,” and “I miss you so much” and Holly would just laugh awkwardly. In the past, she would have been like, “Oh, Puffin, this is horrible, I can’t stand to be away so long!” but you could tell she was totally over him even at that point.

Oh, and also, some of the finalists Holly found in that casting search?

Were the Shannon twins he’s dating now.

So, like, basically, Holly brought him his new pussy.

Anyway, I guess I understand this, but Holly was so excited about that job! She was also pretty good at it, as I recall. I guess feelings do change, though.

Does Bridget still have her Playboy radio show?

I haven’t heard too much about Criss Angel and Holly Madison lately and I must admit, I was enjoying the respite.  They were everywhere and then nowhere.  By the sounds of it, they’ve been locked in a hotel room. 

People asked Criss and Holly what they wanted for the holidays and their birthdays (December 19th and 23rd, respectively) this year.

Criss said “I don’t want anything for Christmas.  I just want Holly, love, health and happiness, and I have all of those things.  I’m hoping Holly will just put a bow in her head and that will be my present.”   Man, she got off cheap.

Holly, turning to Criss, replied “I just want you.  I’m in love and I’m so happy.”   Looks like they got each other the same thing.

Romantic, huh?

Welcome to your new Bennifer only waaaay less famous.  Bargain Basement Bennifer.  Criss Angel and Holly Madison appeared last night at the Bull Rider’s Night at LAX Nightclub hosted by Jewel and her very unattractive husband Ty Murray.  I think Beet and I should just get some template posts saved because Criss and Holly will be appearing everywhere wearing coordinating clothes and tonguing each other for the paps.  I don’t know what these two have even done to propel themselves to the dizzying heights of Z-list fame .  I admit to not following Criss Angel too closely, but doesn’t he stand on city sidewalks and like, spontaneously exhibit stigmata and shit like that?  And Holly fucked Hef which makes her um…a peroxide honey with some implants and a dream. 

This is your textbook crash and burn.  Sure it’s all good now with his hickied (hickeyed?) neck and her calloused knees but I predict they will be full-on for six months or less and end badly.  And before you all start with your “why so negative?” campaign, here is some optimism:  I predict fellow Playmate Kendra Wilkinson’s upcoming marriage will last two years.  So there.

Ohhhhhhhhh, shit.

Is this for real or just a way to really piss off Hef?

In an interview with People magazine, Holly confirms her relationship with the “illusionist,” and says that “I’m in love with him.”

Seriously, what is Criss Angel packing in those magic pants of his? He’s scoring every hot chick in Hollywood these past couple of years. So bizarre.

Here’s a bunch of pics of the two of them out together at a screening of Repo! The Genetic Opera in Vegas last night.

My restless nights can end.  Criss Angel and Holly Madison are a confirmed couple.  On the opening night of his show Criss Angel Believe by Cirque Du Soleil , Criss told People Magazine “This is one of the most special evenings for me in my life and I can not think of a more beautiful person, a more special person, inside and out, than Holly to spend it with.”

I’m glad he’s happy in his personal life since word is that his show is unBelievably bad.

Below are other Z-listers that went to the opening night in Las Vegas

I guess he is, and his new girlfriend is Miss Nevada USA, Veronica Grabowski. And Criss was reportedly pissed when she didn’t make the finals of the Miss USA pageant last week.

Shortly after Angel’s honey, Miss Nevada USA Veronica Grabowski, didn’t make the finals of the Miss USA pageant at the Planet Hollywood Resort, Angel – who flipped the NBC cameras the bird – wigged out when he saw Las Vegas Review Journal columnist Norm Clarke. Angel was ticked off that Clarke ran an interview with preliminary judge Sandy Mecca, in which Mecca claimed Angel exhorted her to give Grabowski “high marks.” Mecca said the comments made her uncomfortable and disturbed pageant owner Donald Trump. When Angel ran into Clarke after the show, he screamed, “You’re a [bleeping] idiot!” Angel then screeched at Clarke, who wears a patch over his right eye, “Don’t ever write another word about me or you’ll need an eye patch over your other eye.” “Good one,” Clarke shot back “Never heard that one before.”

Um, okay, I take it that this Norm Clarke guy wears an eye patch over one eye. And Criss was threatening to injure the other eye. Which is so unbelievably cool of him. Threatening to beat up a half-blind guy. Who — I did some research — is 65 years old. Bad. Ass.

For the first time, illusionist Criss Angel is opening up about what he’d planned for Britney’s big VMA comeback performance … and what went wrong.

“With Britney I presented concepts to create, within her performance, illusions that would happen in the open. You would see Britney and then she would split into two Britneys and then four Britneys with no boxes or covers. It would just be a visual effect using no screens. People in the past have used the art of magic in music performances but mostly in a cheesy way. Magic has not kept up with popular culture and technology.

“Other things I wanted to do with her was to literally transform her into birds and then for her to reappear in the audience. I also thought of having her levitate over the audience. It was going to be really visual moments that were all epic tableaux that were beautiful, artistic, elegant and, most important, unique — things MTV hasn’t seen in music. I wanted to captivate people in the moment. That was the essence of what I wanted to do with the Britney performance, because I think the performance she did with the snake was a highlight of her career and I wanted to trump that and I thought we had it.”

So, what happened?

“Britney is really strong with her own ideas. And what I had planned wasn’t an easy thing to do and would have required a lot of rehearsals. Ultimately, I told her I needed 100% commitment or I wasn’t going to be able to do this. I told her that, ‘You have to feel comfortable.’ So, we explored it and she decided it wasn’t for her, and I completely understand.”

So, basically, what he’s saying is that Britney didn’t want to make time for all those rehearsals. This statement contradicts the earlier rumors that the casino couldn’t get insured for Angel’s crazy stunts. Basically: Britney was just too lazy.

This can’t be! Everyone who dates Britney Spears loves her for who she is inside. I mean, what’s not to like? The ever-changing extensions? The regular weight gain? The history of promiscuity? The hick accent? The fact that everyone in the whole wide world has seen her vagina? How could anyone who hooks up with Britney have ulterior motives?

But rumor is that Britney didn’t win Criss over with her darling personality.

“Angel … was “ecstatic” when his manager, Jeff Kwatinetz, asked him to meet with Spears, who was interested in using illusion in her VMA performance this Sunday. The two “hooked up the night they met” and Angel has been “using her to get press ever since,” we’re told. A Vegas spy said, “He doesn’t even really talk to her when they go out. This weekend at [club] LAX, they weren’t seated at the same table, but when the paparazzi were around he jumped in all the pictures. . . . The paparazzi all have his number.”

Doesn’t Britney have anyone around her who’s not being paid to be there?

I can’t think of a single person.

Hurry up! Grab one to sit on!

Sigh.

It was just earlier this summer that (married) magician Criss Angel was proclaiming his undying love for Cameron Diaz. But that’s all over now — Cameron’s already being linked to Jessica Simpon’s ex John Mayer — and Criss Angel has moved on to none other than Britney Spears.

The two were caught by cameras at 4 a.m. last night in the Tower Beverly Hills Hotel. They were later spotted holding hands and taking an elevator up to an 11th floor suite. I have a feeling there was lots of “freak,” not so much “mind.”