She actually looks really good. Sobriety suits her. Click here for the full-size image.

She missed her calling. Her true genius lies in the written word. Responding to reports that she had gastric bypass surgery, Courtney responds, and I quote:

oh perez got it from pge six nd ots bullshit
i couldnt get that suregry iof i begged for it
FDA says you have to have a BMI of above 40 and that equals at least being 100 pounds overweight at least other wsie its ILLEGAL.
I know spmeone who troed to get that shit and no dr would give it to her an dhse was pudgier than i was, its total utter shite, i lost weightthe hard way and people cant accept it,whwnever ANYONE loses weight by determintaion and grit fast its suspect i got muyinspirationf rom Oprah losing so much weight on Slim Fast,. thats how i did it

Now, I got out my 4th Edition Courtney-Love-to-English dictionary, but I still couldn’t piece together all the grammatic constructs, so we had to dig into our Evil Beet budget and hire a translator. Here’s what Courtney said:

Oh, Perez got it from Page Six and it’s bullshit. I couldnt get that suregry if I begged for it. The FDA says you have to have a BMI of above 40, and that equals at least being 100 pounds overweight — at least – otherwise it’s ILLEGAL. I know someone who tried to get that shit and no doctor would give it to her and she was pudgier than I was. It’s total utter shit. I lost weight the hard way and people can’t accept it. Whenever ANYONE loses weight by determination and grit fast it’s suspect. I got my inspiration from Oprah losing so much weight on Slim Fast. That’s how I did it. That and cocaine. Bllaaaaaaaaaargh.

Honestly, Courtney, are you typing in the dark or are you just that high on diet pills? We ran out of cash for the translator, so I’ve included the rest of the entry in Courtneyese after the jump if you want to take a stab at it yourself.

(more…)

Page Six (waaaaay better than Page 5) just “broke” the news that Courtney Love might have gotten a little bypass surgery.

“She’s telling people she got the gastric band surgery. She even said she had to sleep with a towel by her because the surgery makes her [vomit] all the time and is worried she won’t be able to make out with anyone because of her breath.”

Yeah, as if Vomit is the reason you wouldn’t make out with C-Love. How about the fact that she’s stark raving mad? Ok, I’m sort of lying; I’m the guy on the planet who likes her music. If I was drunk I’d think about it.

So that’s what it takes to land Bruce Willis, eh? I think Courtney looks really good here. She’s skinny but in a healthy way.

In a news world dominated by Anna Nicole autopsy reports and Britney Spears dentist visits, I think it’s time to break up the monotony with an exciting report of a Bruce Willis/Courtney Love make-out session. Yes, you read that right. Bruce Willis. Courtney Love. Sucking face. At — it doesn’t get much better than this — the Amy Winehouse concert at the Roxy last week! (That was the first of two L.A. shows Winehouse was scheduled to do — she canceled the second because she’s a drunk.) Willis was celebrating his 52nd birthday and I guess Courtney gave him a little present.

Willis’s rep didn’t have a comment, and Love’s spokesperson said the two shared “a quick hi, then went their separate ways.” The last part seems correct, at least; after the make-out sesh, Willis didn’t hang out with Love at all the rest of the evening. Later in the week, Willis later hopped a flight to Vegas for Hef’s 81st birthday party and reportedly left with former Baywatch babe Donna D’Errico. (Remember her? Neither do I.) I guess at 52 you take what you can get.

Is all the pressure of … um … not working nudging Portia de Rossi back to her old ‘rexic ways? [popbytes]

Courtney Love didn’t pay her bill at rehab. I guess she figured she’d take care of it the next time she stopped in there for a month or two. [dlisted]

It is a distant possibility that Jennifer Lopez’s current marriage may not be working out so well. That’s okay, Jen. Fourth time’s the charm. [ICYDK]

Pretty on the Outside has a little fun with American Idol. [POTO]

Hey, Lisa Rinna, when you wear a see-through dress on the red carpet, it’s advisable to include a bra in your ensemble. [SOW]

Comedian Richard Jeni passes away. [Tabloid Whore]

Just when you were jonesing for another awards show: look no further than the Soul Train Music Awards. [Celebrity Smack]

Rehab is the new Hyde. Eddie Van Halen is the latest celeb to walk through the velvet ropes. [Glitterati]

Lindsay Lohan’s out of rehab and on the loose. And everyone knows the next-best thing to some Grey Goose cocktail is some Ryan Phillippe … um .. you know. [A Socialite's Life]

Sarah Michelle Gellar: pregnant or fat? [INO]

Cammy Diaz nabs herself some Tyrese. [Cele|bitchy]

Premiere becomes the latest magazine to bid adieu to its print version, plans to focus efforts on online operations. [fishbowlLA]

Hey, guess who’s still freakin’ adorable? The Jolie-Pitt family! [ICYDK]

Also cute: TomKat and Suri, back on the intramural sports circuit. [dlisted]

Courtney Love breaks the big story that there was cocaine at Paris Hilton’s birthday party. We get it, Courtney. You’re sober now. But do you really have to ruin it for everyone else? [Warship]

Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Meyer take little Ruby Sweetheart into the ocean. Nude. (She’s nude, not them.) [POTP]

Pics from Liz Hurley’s wedding. [Allie]

ScarJo puts on her very ugliest dress for the Louis Vuitton show. Hair and shoes to match. [SOW]

One billion pics from the NAACP Image Awards. [PopSugar]

Also … a VERY SPECIAL thanks to Joy A. at Pop on the Pop for giving Evil Beet a shout-out in her Mediabistro interview. We love ya, Joy, and we love reading POTP!