I’ve had a weird fascination with Courtenay Semel ever since she was on that random TV show where they made spoiled rich kids drive cattle. I think it has something to do with the way her first name is spelled. I just don’t think I’d be able to talk to her without being all like, “Heeeeey, Court-e-naaaaaay.” Also it’s a neat coincidence that the last sound there is “neigh” and she kind of looks like a horse. That was mean. Pretend I didn’t say it.

Anyway. Court’s on the cover of lesbo-riffic mag Curve this month, and what would she talk about if not her (non-) relationship with Lindsay Lohan? Oh, right, and that rehab stint earlier this year:

“I always said you’ll never see me get a DUI, you’ll never see me falling drunk out of a club, you’ll never see me get arrested, you’ll never see that side of me and unfortunately, it did happen. I did take responsibility for my actions. … But, at the same time, I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do … I would like to say that Lindsay and I would make a really hot couple, but unfortunately we were best friends and the media kind of ruined that relationship. Let’s put it this way, it’s kind of like another one of … my little frenemies out there was protecting their own self and their own relationship and threw us under the bus. But, for me, it was like, I would go to an event and they would start to say, ‘So you and Lindsay aren’t friends anymore,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, really? That’s news to me.’”

Ummmm, is that Courtenay Semel accusing Samantha Ronson of planting rumors in the press? That’s sure what it sounds like to me.

My Lord, I’m so glad I’m not famous. These people are terrible.

More pics of the twosome in happier days (late 2007-ish) are in the gallery.

Courtenay Semel, aka Lindsay Lohan’s first known lesbian fling and daughter of former Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel has been cut off. She told the New York Post that father Terry had “ froze[n] her trust fund and now won’t answer her calls”. Courtenay’s been a hot mess for years now, but the final straw may have been her run-in with a guard at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

 

In a drunken stupor, she famously screamed, “Do you even know who I am, f- – -ing idiot? Google me, you dumb f- – -,” before allegedly punching him in the face.

“I’m not used to the word ‘no,’ ” she said.

She recalled, “I’m sitting in a jail in the basement of Caesars Palace, with these guards yelling in my face . . . It led me to a rock bottom, which I’m in now.”

The charges were dropped, but the security guard is suing her.

 

LOL. Google me, you dumb fuck?! I think Courtenay has overestimated her pop culture relevance if she thinks people can “google” her. For one, they’d have no idea what to enter into the search window. The only pussy folks associate with Lohan now is Samantha Ronson’s and nobody has the time or patience to track who Tila Tequila is supposedly in love with. Once you auction off your affections on a VH1 show people just stop caring. Considering this is a woman that said “I just never thought about how to put gas in my car or food on the table. I was fully supported, I wasn’t worried.” I have no sympathy for her.

Luckily and stereotypically enough Courtenay is currently pitching a reality show.

I am doing my part to keep Courtenay Semel in the spotlight for as long as possible, just because I am certain one of these days she will do something so absolutely insane on camera that it will make it all worth it. Honestly, eventually she’s just going to snap and, like, tie Nicole Richie to a leather sofa and cover her in honey and fire ants and film the whole thing on a CoolPix camera and email it to Nikon demanding a sponsorship. She is that kind of crazy.

Here’s the former lover of Lindsay Lohan, Tila Tequila and Lord knows who else, at Sundance with her current flame, heiress Casey Johnson, whose hair seems to be recovering well from when Courtenay set it on fire earlier this month.

Courtenay Semel, the uber-rich, alcoholic, drug-addicted, but-her-faced, hot-tempered, celebrity lesbian love interest du jour, has just burned her (equally crazy) ex-girlfriend’s hair off.

CASEY Johnson – the madcap Band-Aid heiress whose father, Woody Johnson, owns the Jets – is said to be wearing her hair in a short, butch style following a vicious catfight with her ex-girlfriend, Courtenay Semel. “Casey had a fight one night with her current girlfriend,” heavily tattooed Lisa Marie Alvarez, a Los Angeles source, told Page Six. “Casey went to Courtenay’s house, and Courtenay proceeded to beat the crap out of her, and then she lit her hair on fire. Casey had to be hospitalized.” Casey’s mother, Sale Johnson, reportedly flew to LA and consulted with lawyer Robert Shapiro. No one returned calls except Courtenay, whose father Terry Semel ran Yahoo for years. “There was a fight,” Courtenay said. “But this is a major exaggeration. We are speaking. We are friends.” Casey – who isn’t speaking to her father, or her aunt, Libet Johnson – is the mother of an adopted girl from Kazakhstan.

OMG. These girls are such headcases. I swear, all the money in the world does not buy happiness. In fact, it just seems to encourage low self-esteem and crazy. The next time you think to myself, “Man, why couldn’t I have been born an heiress?” just keep these girls in mind.

Um, Tila Tequila has a book to sell, so she’s back to hitting up red carpets with her Sapphic headline-grabber, Courtenay Semel.

Give it up, Tila.

The fifteen minutes are over. Nobody cares who you fuck anymore.

If you want to stay in the spotlight, you’re gonna have to get in La Lohan’s pants. Those $100 leggings are the only thing standing between you and total cultural irrelevance. Get on it, girl.

Hello, girls.

Oh, I see you’re off to do some partying together.

Before that happens, I have an idea I would like you to seriously consider.

Courtenay, you have an ‘e’ that you’re totally not using. Brittny desperately needs one. Courtenay, please give Brittny your ‘e’. It’s called “sharing,” girls. It’s what friends do. But you wouldn’t know much about that, now would you?

Meanwhile, Courtenay’s been slapped with a suit by a Las Vegas security guard for beating him up while she was wasted. He tried to cuff her and she hit him in the face, screaming “Do you even know who I am, fucking idiot?…Google me, you dumb fuck.”

Oh, Courtenay. It’s impossible to Google you. No one can remember how to spell your damn name.

Tila Tequila, who normally walks the red carpet with her partner-in-famewhoring, Courtenay Semel, has been solo for awhile now, instead posing at the Hollywood Style Awards with Carson Kressley.

WTF????

I wanted COURTENAY! Are these two dunzo?

Courtenay Semel is such a raging alcoholic and all-around problem child. Will someone PUH-LEASE just help her get famous already? Listen up, fellow members of the media. Let’s all work together on this. We all stand to profit from it, I PROMISE!

Hey, remember when I said that I thought maybe Tila Tequila’s relationship with Courtenay Semel was total bullshit because the two of them are never photographed together anywhere other than a red carpet?

Well, that was before I came across these TOTALLY UNSTAGED photos of Tila and Courtenay at a Hollywood hotel pool from a couple of weeks ago.

CANDID, I tell you! These are CANDID!

Tila and Courtenay are like the lesbian Heidi and Spencer.

We need a nickname for them.

Suggestions?

Whatever’s going on with Tila Tequila and Courtenay Semel behind the scenes, they still look to be very much in love on the red carpet.

Tila and Courtenay made yet another red carpet appearance at the 944 party in Hollywood last night.

You know, for all the photos we see of these two on the red carpet, I have yet to see one of them spending time together anywhere else. I’m just saying.

Ahhhhhh ha ha ha ha!

Being a spoiled brat is so hard sometimes.

I reported earlier today that Tila Tequila’s gal-pal/famewhoring socialite Courtenay Semel spent some time in jail on Wednesday. Now we have the details on why.

A source says Semel, a former friend of Lindsay Lohan and the 26-year-old Tequila’s current girlfriend, was at Caesars Palace’s Pure Nightclub that evening and left her cell phone on the property. When she went back to retrieve it, the club was closed.

“She demanded that they find [the phone] and hit the security guard,” the source says.

Las Vegas Metro Police Officer Jay Rivera confirms that Courtenay “struck a hotel security guard in the back of the head.” She was cited for battery and released.

So her drunk ass left her cell phone at a club and then decided it was someone else’s fault, and that someone needed to be assaulted. On the back of the head. Talk about pent-up anger.

It’s like, I’ve definitely been in the situation where someone’s actions — particular the bitchy actions of those asshole bouncers at Vegas clubs who strut around like they own the whole world when you know they have penises the size of my thumb — make me so mad that I fantasize about smacking them real hard in the back of the head. But the difference is that I don’t do it. Because I was raised in a world where actions have consequences, so I learned that I couldn’t necessarily act on my every whim. Courtenay Semel obviously never learned that as a child, so she’s having to figure it out as an adult, which is a more painful and embarrassing time to learn such things.

Money can’t buy happiness, kids.

Is there a mug shot out there somewhere? Oh, Lord, I hope so.

Remember this photo from earlier in the week? This is how Tuesday night started for Courtenay Semel — but it’s not how it ended. It ended with Courtenay TRASHED and IN JAIL.

COURTENAY Semel, the wild-child lesbian daughter of former Yahoo chief Terry Semel, went on a tear Tuesday night in Las Vegas and ended up spending the night in jail. Semel showed up in the party town without new girlfriend Tila Tequila and started the night at Sushi Samba in the Palazzo with Kourtney Kardashian. “They were filming their dinner for ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ ” our spy said. Later, Kardashian called it a night and Semel went out to Pure at Caesars with Vegas showman Jeff Beacher – and proceeded to “go nuts,” a spy said. “Courtenay got so drunk she was falling down. Security asked her to leave, but she refused.” Semel finally left, but on her way out there was an altercation with a security guard. “She was arrested and spent the night in jail,” a Semel pal confirmed. “And she lost her phone.

Oh, Courtenay. Maybe you’re just what we need around here. It’s, like, you’re the socialite who grew up around Paris and Nicole and Kim, and you desperately wanted to be famous, too, but you really weren’t pretty enough. You’ve had several false starts at stardom — with Filthy Rich Cattle Drive and a fling with Lindsay Lohan — but nothing really stuck. But now the other girls are all settling down and moving out of the spotlight, and you’ve had all these years to plot, and you are so ready to bring it with the lesbian angle and the drunken angle and the jail angle.

Welcome, Courtenay. You’ve earned it.

WTF is Courtenay Semel doing on a red carpet with Kourtney Kardashian???

She is supposed to be Tila Tequila’s red carpet whore!!!

What a back-stabbing little red carpet SLUT.

I’m also a little bit concerned about having these two in such close proximity, lest the universe implode under the sheer force of so many deviant spellings of “Courtney.”