I’ve had a weird fascination with Courtenay Semel ever since she was on that random TV show where they made spoiled rich kids drive cattle. I think it has something to do with the way her first name is spelled. I just don’t think I’d be able to talk to her without being all like, “Heeeeey, Court-e-naaaaaay.” Also it’s a neat coincidence that the last sound there is “neigh” and she kind of looks like a horse. That was mean. Pretend I didn’t say it.

Anyway. Court’s on the cover of lesbo-riffic mag Curve this month, and what would she talk about if not her (non-) relationship with Lindsay Lohan? Oh, right, and that rehab stint earlier this year:

“I always said you’ll never see me get a DUI, you’ll never see me falling drunk out of a club, you’ll never see me get arrested, you’ll never see that side of me and unfortunately, it did happen. I did take responsibility for my actions. … But, at the same time, I think, you know, everyone scrutinizes, Lindsay for everything she went through, but they should thank her, because it shows you exactly what not to do … I would like to say that Lindsay and I would make a really hot couple, but unfortunately we were best friends and the media kind of ruined that relationship. Let’s put it this way, it’s kind of like another one of … my little frenemies out there was protecting their own self and their own relationship and threw us under the bus. But, for me, it was like, I would go to an event and they would start to say, ‘So you and Lindsay aren’t friends anymore,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, really? That’s news to me.’”

Ummmm, is that Courtenay Semel accusing Samantha Ronson of planting rumors in the press? That’s sure what it sounds like to me.

My Lord, I’m so glad I’m not famous. These people are terrible.

More pics of the twosome in happier days (late 2007-ish) are in the gallery.

Courtenay Semel, aka Lindsay Lohan’s first known lesbian fling and daughter of former Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel has been cut off. She told the New York Post that father Terry had “ froze[n] her trust fund and now won’t answer her calls”. Courtenay’s been a hot mess for years now, but the final straw may have been her run-in with a guard at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.

 

In a drunken stupor, she famously screamed, “Do you even know who I am, f- – -ing idiot? Google me, you dumb f- – -,” before allegedly punching him in the face.

“I’m not used to the word ‘no,’ ” she said.

She recalled, “I’m sitting in a jail in the basement of Caesars Palace, with these guards yelling in my face . . . It led me to a rock bottom, which I’m in now.”

The charges were dropped, but the security guard is suing her.

 

LOL. Google me, you dumb fuck?! I think Courtenay has overestimated her pop culture relevance if she thinks people can “google” her. For one, they’d have no idea what to enter into the search window. The only pussy folks associate with Lohan now is Samantha Ronson’s and nobody has the time or patience to track who Tila Tequila is supposedly in love with. Once you auction off your affections on a VH1 show people just stop caring. Considering this is a woman that said “I just never thought about how to put gas in my car or food on the table. I was fully supported, I wasn’t worried.” I have no sympathy for her.

Luckily and stereotypically enough Courtenay is currently pitching a reality show.

I am doing my part to keep Courtenay Semel in the spotlight for as long as possible, just because I am certain one of these days she will do something so absolutely insane on camera that it will make it all worth it. Honestly, eventually she’s just going to snap and, like, tie Nicole Richie to a leather sofa and cover her in honey and fire ants and film the whole thing on a CoolPix camera and email it to Nikon demanding a sponsorship. She is that kind of crazy.

Here’s the former lover of Lindsay Lohan, Tila Tequila and Lord knows who else, at Sundance with her current flame, heiress Casey Johnson, whose hair seems to be recovering well from when Courtenay set it on fire earlier this month.

Courtenay Semel, the uber-rich, alcoholic, drug-addicted, but-her-faced, hot-tempered, celebrity lesbian love interest du jour, has just burned her (equally crazy) ex-girlfriend’s hair off.

CASEY Johnson – the madcap Band-Aid heiress whose father, Woody Johnson, owns the Jets – is said to be wearing her hair in a short, butch style following a vicious catfight with her ex-girlfriend, Courtenay Semel. “Casey had a fight one night with her current girlfriend,” heavily tattooed Lisa Marie Alvarez, a Los Angeles source, told Page Six. “Casey went to Courtenay’s house, and Courtenay proceeded to beat the crap out of her, and then she lit her hair on fire. Casey had to be hospitalized.” Casey’s mother, Sale Johnson, reportedly flew to LA and consulted with lawyer Robert Shapiro. No one returned calls except Courtenay, whose father Terry Semel ran Yahoo for years. “There was a fight,” Courtenay said. “But this is a major exaggeration. We are speaking. We are friends.” Casey – who isn’t speaking to her father, or her aunt, Libet Johnson – is the mother of an adopted girl from Kazakhstan.

OMG. These girls are such headcases. I swear, all the money in the world does not buy happiness. In fact, it just seems to encourage low self-esteem and crazy. The next time you think to myself, “Man, why couldn’t I have been born an heiress?” just keep these girls in mind.

Um, Tila Tequila has a book to sell, so she’s back to hitting up red carpets with her Sapphic headline-grabber, Courtenay Semel.

Give it up, Tila.

The fifteen minutes are over. Nobody cares who you fuck anymore.

If you want to stay in the spotlight, you’re gonna have to get in La Lohan’s pants. Those $100 leggings are the only thing standing between you and total cultural irrelevance. Get on it, girl.

Hello, girls.

Oh, I see you’re off to do some partying together.

Before that happens, I have an idea I would like you to seriously consider.

Courtenay, you have an ‘e’ that you’re totally not using. Brittny desperately needs one. Courtenay, please give Brittny your ‘e’. It’s called “sharing,” girls. It’s what friends do. But you wouldn’t know much about that, now would you?

Meanwhile, Courtenay’s been slapped with a suit by a Las Vegas security guard for beating him up while she was wasted. He tried to cuff her and she hit him in the face, screaming “Do you even know who I am, fucking idiot?…Google me, you dumb fuck.”

Oh, Courtenay. It’s impossible to Google you. No one can remember how to spell your damn name.

Tila Tequila, who normally walks the red carpet with her partner-in-famewhoring, Courtenay Semel, has been solo for awhile now, instead posing at the Hollywood Style Awards with Carson Kressley.

WTF????

I wanted COURTENAY! Are these two dunzo?

Courtenay Semel is such a raging alcoholic and all-around problem child. Will someone PUH-LEASE just help her get famous already? Listen up, fellow members of the media. Let’s all work together on this. We all stand to profit from it, I PROMISE!