Benji Madden made it his mission to look like as hardcore a douchebag as he possibly could at the Nylon Mexico magazine launch in Mexico City this weekend.

Seriously?

This is what you’re getting invited to these days, Benji? Boutique magazine parties south of the border?

It’s all good, though — it was clearly an A-list event, as my favorite jailbait meth-head, Cory Kennedy, was there to snuggle up with him. Honestly, Cory’s losing a little of her charm for me. She used to be my Favorite. Z-Lister. Evah. But she’s technically eighteen now, and sometimes she looks a little bit sober, and it’s just not the same as the half-dead sixteen-year-old bag of bones who used to run around Brooklyn with her shirt off and her eye makeup smeared entirely across her gray, lifeless face. Ah, youth is wasted on the young.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.

There’s just something about a teenage heroin addict who’s famous essentially for being a teenage heroin addict that commands attention. Isn’t she just fun to look at?

Here she is backstage at the Grey Ant fashion show.

Also, I just checked her Wikipedia page to figure out exactly how old she is (she’s 17), and it begins with this line:

“Cory Kennedy seriously she’s like BLEUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH!!!!”

I took a screen shot for when it gets changed.

Yes, yes she does. Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains. I’m not making that up. That’s the name of the band. Doesn’t it sound more like the name of a Judy Blume novel? Are You There, God? It’s Me, Jena Malone and Her Bloodstains. Her band played at the Viper Room in Hollywood on Friday night.

Oh, and Cory Kennedy was there. I have an unhealthy obsession with Cory Kennedy. I don’t know why, or perhaps I prefer not to think about it too much.