People like to know when celebrities have babies. Maybe they’re genuinely interested in the birth of a new life. Or maybe they just want to know who’s had a kid so they’re prepared to mercilessly criticize their parenting when 5 years later someone fucks up and gives the kid an espresso. It’s like a preview of coming attractions.

The products of three sets famous zygotes splitting and reproducing exited the womb recently and were announced yesterday.

Former Olympic gymnast Shannon Miller vaulted a 7 lb baby boy, John Rocco Falconeti, out of the old uter-shoot on October 28th. The baby had good form on the dismount but couldn’t stick the landing.

Colin Farrell and his girlfriend (who can now officially be called his “baby mama”) welcomed a son, Henry Tadeusz Farrell on October 7th. This is the second kid (and the second baby mama) for Farrell, who doesn’t like to knock up the same vagina twice.

Finally, former Mets catcher Mike Piazza and his wife welcomed their second baby girl, Paulina Sophia Piazza, into the world on… August 3rd? Celebs are getting really adept at hiding their kids’ births from the media. (Either that, or no one gives a crap about Mike Piazza.) I picture Piazza squatting in front of his wife’s vagina in full gear, ready to throw the mask off if it’s a pop-up foul, but that’s just me. More likely, the doctor just pointed him at her splitting perineum and made some horrible joke about this being “the most important catch of his life.”

Sorry to upset American Idol fans, but I’m confused as to what the hell a person on a reality show is doing at the premiere of “Pride and Glory” starring Colin Farrell and Edward Norton.  There is a time and a place for Reality show “contestants” and it’s not at any respectable movie premiere.  Is there any pecking order in Hollywood anymore?  I hope Colin fights back and crashes the Real World reunion.  It’s only fair.   The good news is, Colin looks like he may kill Ace at the after party.  ”Colin Farrell,  making the world a better place, killing one reality star at a time.”

So I drive my wife to the airport on Sunday, she’s a high powered executive lady type, and after I drop her off I’m thinking “Wheeeee, I’m free.” Only I’m not truly free because I’ve lost the capacity to plan by myself. Every time I want to do something I look over to where she’d be sitting on our luxurious couch and because she’s not there I don’t do the thing. I totally know how Britney feels now y’all.

Anyhow, that was a total writer’s trick to point out that this is Spiteful Lars coming at ya large and somewhat in charge. The facts presented were the truth however, so now I feel obligated to tell you what became of my Sunday after I realized I’d never be free again. Ready for it?

1) I finished the Grisham book “The Appeal”
Allow me to make an appeal to John Grisham. Dude. You’ve GOT to to stop ending your books when you’re tired of writing. I realize you’re not trying to be Hemingway but this is getting ridiculous. You can’t end a book to save your life you poor bastard! Next time write 200 pages and then send me the manuscript. I’ll leave the audience feeling satisfied. You know I will.

2) I watched “In Bruges” with a pal.
This is actually a really solid, really funny film. It’s also the only time I’ve seen Colin Farrell perform at a high level (besides the sex tape).

Now I know what you’re saying. “Where’s my celeb gossip and/or witty commentary bitch?” First off, watch your language. I’m a full fledged human and deserve love. Second, there isn’t fuck-all going on today because it’s the holiday and I’m only writing/working because it’s either this or popping pills. You know the drill. So I’m going to look for some celeb stuff, and you can check back and there will be some new stuff… but for now the book bashing and movie recommending will have to suffice.

Hugs and kisses,

Lars

P.S. – Yes we can!

“The only time I’m reminded that there is something different about him – that he has some deviation of what is perceived to be normal – is when I see him with other 4-year-olds. Then I go, ‘Oh yeah,’ and it comes back to me. But from day one I felt that he’s the way he’s meant to be … I have never thought of my son as being someone with a disability.”

Colin Farrell, whose 4-year-old son is diagnosed with Angelman Syndrome, a neuro-genetic disorder characterized by developmental delay, speech impairment, movement or balance disorder, excessive laughter and even seizures.