And, while you’re at it, also take off that belt and those pants and throw me on the bed and take all the stress of your long, hard, thick detective job out on me. Ooh, baby. Fuck yeah. Solve that crime.

Seriously, Chris Meloni fucking sucks and I’ll tell you why. This sonofabitch refuses to walk a single damn red carpet if he can’t bring along his stupid wife of 1000 years and his one billion children with her. How am I supposed to take my Detective Stabler sex fantasies seriously when you pull this shit? Think of your fans, Chris.

Here he is not having sex with me at the Children Affected by AIDS Foundation Dream Halloween benefit in NYC.

Also there: James Gandolfini, with his new wife and his old kids.

I mean, the hat?

It’s not a cowboy hat.

It’s not even really a top hat.

What type of hat is it, then?

It is the wrong hat. It is the wrong hat, Chris.

With his wife at a screening of The Savages.

Okay, so total hottie Chris Meloni (Evil T once grinded on his lap — long story, and I promise his wife’s okay with it) took his two kiddos to an event where he and his wife, Sherman, were honored, the Children Affected by Aids Foundation’s Dream Halloween. How cute are they???

James Gandolfini showed up with his wife, Marcy, and son Michael, who’s wearing about the cutest costume I’ve ever seen.

Plus we’ve got new shots of Kelly Ripa and her son Michael leaving a birthday party in NYC.

It’s not every day a photo of Law & Order star Chris Meloni comes across the wire, and it’s not every day my very best friend, and the most loyal L&O fan I know, turns 25. So here’s Chris “Hottie” Meloni, and happy birthday, Alejita!

Our very own Evil T also once had a very special connection with Mr. Meloni, but we won’t get into that here. Feel free to speculate. In the comments or just among yourselves. But she stays anonymous around here for good reason.

Plus, and perhaps most importantly, his wife’s really not that hot, and I totally think I could score him. Just saying.