OMG I need Chelsea Handler to adopt me and teach me everything she knows.

Check out this BRILLIANT interview she did with Christopher Ciccone. But before you get to the good stuff you have to listen to Christopher bitch for a full minute about how the NY Observer called him “short and paunchy.” Sweetheart, that’s about the least mean thing I’d have to say about you.

Anyway.

Marry me, Chelsea.

Madonna’s brother, Christopher Ciccone, has written a tell-all book about Madonna’s life.

“It’s extremely graphic and devastating,” said a source who declined to give details. “He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it.”

Publisher Simon & Schuster has rushed out 350,000 copies for next month, ostensibly to get it on bookshelves before Madge’s lawyers can mount a lawsuit.

“We’d heard rumors, but didn’t realize he’d actually written it,” says a friend of Madonna’s. “He was there through the crazy years and has many stories to tell, I’m sure. He’s seen it all. Oh, my.”

Madonna and her brother, who were once very close, had a falling-out after Madonna married Guy Ritchie.