I really am, you guys. Every cell in my little body is straining to give a fuck about the American Music Awards. But they just can’t do it. The little cells just collapse from the effort, like Britney Spears in a middle-school spelling bee. Wendie already ran the photos from the red carpet, which are by far the most interesting part of all this, but I know I have to at least make a teensy tiny effort to let you know about who won and all. So I’m gonna copy-paste some shit from People.com, because that’s way easier than trying to act like I’m excited about the American Music Awards.

Chris Brown was the big winner at the American Music Awards on Sunday night, surprising himself most of all.

“I don’t know what to say. I would have given it to Coldplay,” said Brown, who won artist of the year, male pop/rock artist and male soul/R&B artist.

Kanye West, still sore at losing male rap/hip-hop artist last year, won the trophy this time – then said Lil Wayne deserved it more.

“I want to give this award to Wayne,” he said. “If it was last year it would have been my award.”

It was West’s second trophy of the night, following his win for rap/hip-hop album, for Graduation.

“It’s our responsibility as musicians to push music to the point it was in the ’60s and ’70s,” he said. “I want to be Elvis.”

Host Jimmy Kimmel, who had made West’s ego a running joke, quipped: “Elvis died on the toilet with half a jelly doughnut in his mouth. You may want to rethink that.”

Alicia Keys, who captured two awards for her As I Am album, winning for both the pop/rock and soul/R&B categories, let out a loud “Woooooooo” after picking up a trophy, then dedicated her victory “to all the super women who struggle every day to make it through.” …

In a big night for American Idol alums, Daughtry – winner of three trophies last year – picked up another this year for pop/rock group, while former Idol champ Jordin Sparks won for adult contemporary music, and Carrie Underwood won for country album for Carnival Ride.

Taylor Swift, uncomfortably sharing L.A.’s Nokia Theatre auditorium with ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas, won for female country artist, and Rihanna got two awards for pop/rock female artist and female soul R&B artist.

Rascal Flatts picked up their fouth American Music Award – and third in the last three years – for country band, and Brad Paisley won for male country artist, getting a laugh from the audience as he turned over the pyramid-shaped trophy and said, “Made in China?”

So, um, it’s gonna be the usual set of reactions from me:

1) Way to go, Chris Brown. You’re a talented and level-headed young man, and I respect you for that.
2) SHUT UP, KANYE.
3) I love you, Taylor! DOWN WITH JOBRO!

And, in conclusion, I consider any sort of awards ceremony at which Jordin Sparks doesn’t feel the need to call anyone not wearing a promise ring a slut to be an overwhelming success. Well done, guys.

Rihanna and Chris Brown try to hide from photogs when they land in Perth, Australia.

I don’t blame them one bit.

Who the hell wants to be photographed after a flight to Australia?

Chris Brown and Rihanna get a little snuggly on a vacation in Barbados.

These two are so cute. And for such young stars, they have both stayed completely out of trouble. The worst thing they do is canoodle on a raft!

So sweet!

[Images via Splash]

That shit rocked. That’s the kind of show we needed to see out of Britney Spears at the VMAs.

Unfortunately, Britney and everyone else so far has been way too drunk to put on a decent show.

But Chris Brown? He’s only 18. And Las Vegas is the one place in the world where the drinking age is still enforced, even for celebrities. And his performance killed.

YOU ARE SO LAST SEASON, BRITNEY!! Good riddance to you.