I’m convinced that the folks over at Funny or Die must get the corporate rate on medical marijuana.  What other possible tactic might they employ to get some of the biggest stars to participate in their oftentimes not hysterical skits?  Zach Galifianakis — no, that’s not Joaquin Phoenix — appears in another episode of the fictional show Between Two Ferns with Charlize Theron as his guest.

I love hearing about celebrities’ less-than-stellar moments, especially when they look like Charlize Theron.  Because if you look like Charlize Theron, I need to know that some part of your life is crap.  Apparently, Friday night was crap night for the actress.

“She leaned over the table and smacked some other guys ass,” an eyewitness tells us.

“Stuart looked pissed, and looked at her and said ‘Why did you do that?’”

Clearly she didn’t have a satisfactory answer, as our onlooker tells us the couple bickered all evening before heading out.

“They constantly fought the rest of the night together, and ended up leaving the party early in a big huff,” said the spy.

You know, I think her boyfriend better get over it.  I mean, he’s truly the luckiest man in the world to have hitched to her star for this long, so if she wants to smack some dude’s ass, he needs to just accept that.  I wonder when the TMZ video of all this will surface?

“I don’t like living in an elitist world, it bothers me. I don’t want to be part of an elitist sexual preference. It bothers me.  Maybe it’s because I come from a country where I lived under apartheid.  This is a form of apartheid and I don’t want to be a part of that.”

Charlize Theron in an MSN interview comparing the ban on same-sex marriages to apartheid.  She has also gone completely Brangelina and vowed not to marry long-time partner Stuart Townsend until gay marriage is legal in every state.

On one hand, you can release a video of Gary Coleman whining about his mortgage and his all-around sucky life.

On the other hand, you can “leak” photos of Charlize Theron’s bare chest and ass.

I say the winner here is the team behind The Burning Plain, hottie Charlize’s latest film.

Uncensored pics are here. Don’t bother “reading” the article. There isn’t one, really. Just the pics of Charlize’s boobies.

Welcome to advertising in the recession age, kids.

Charlize Theron was inducted today as a UN Messenger of Peace, where she’ll focus on ending violence against women and girls around the globe.

The South African native told reporters she will take on her new responsibilities “very humbly, with a very excited heart.”

I didn’t know this about Charlize, but, apparently, at age fifteen she witnessed her mother shoot her alcoholic father to death while he was threatening the family. I can’t even imagine what a horrific and life-altering experience that must be, and it’s fantastic that she’s able to direct that energy toward such a great cause today. Hooray for Oscar-winning actresses who are also great role models. Thank you for showing that people like you exist, Charlize.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences really appreciates girl on girl action and any gender bending roles.  Charlize Theron in Monster, Nicole Kidman in The Hours, Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry. 

So even though the film is only in pre-production, I call Oscar nominations for Charlize Theron and Nicole Kidman who are starring in the independent movie The Danish Girl.  The film, based on a true story, tells the tale of two married artists and how the husband changes after posing as a female model for portraits.  Kidman gets to play the guy who, in time, became the first post-op transsexual.  Will you watch?  It sounds like a fascinating story.

In 2005, Charlize Theron entered into a contract with watchmaker giant Raymond Weil for 20 million dollars.  The requirement:  She was to wear one of their watches when appearing publicly from October 2005 through December 2006.  Any other jewelry worn during the contract time had to be approved by Raymond Weil.  Instead she appeared in print ads and at a high-profile event wearing a Dior watch and jewelry.  RW sued.  This week a judge ruled that the case will go to trial; a decision largely based on 10 pages of contract terms that were initialed by Charlize. 

I’m embarrassed to say what I’d do for 20 million dollars (think Carrot Top) but it extends a hell of a lot further than just wearing a fucking wristwatch.  Charlize had a seriously tit gig going…how she risked 20 million dollars just leaves me…flummoxed.

Also, just learned that using “tit” as an adjective is apparently specific to New England & Upstate New York?  Weird.  So anyway, tit=small.

“It comes across as this really sad need for approval. I’ve heard people make comments like, ‘You don’t really want to be in the tabloids, but you need to be for your career.’ They believe it’s actually important. It’s not. It’s ugly. Like, your life belongs to us now? That’s the deal? I didn’t get that memo. It wasn’t sent to me and I didn’t sign it. So, fuck you.”

Charlize Theron, in a new interview with British GQ.

Charlize, honey, the difference here is that you’re talented, darling. If you weren’t, you’d need the tabloids a little more desperately.

Congrats to Charlize!

Regarding his girlfriend of seven years, Charlize Theron, Townsend said:

“I’m married. I didn’t do a church wedding or anything, but we’re married. We’re husband and wife. We didn’t have a ceremony. I don’t need a certificate or the state or the church to say otherwise. So no there’s no big official story on a wedding, but we are married. … I consider her my wife and she considers me her husband.”

Does this make sense to anyone else?

Also, I have the scoop, it was at Whole Foods. She was in the act, at Whole Foods, buying food, to EAT!!

I sure hope I never get caught in the act of getting groceries… or even worse, getting an oil change. That would be just dreadful.