Happy Monday!

I am really into the show, Lie To Me.  It’s about these face readers that identify all sorts of facial movements, body language, etc. and define what each signal really means.  Now that I’m a complete and total expert in lie detection, my family hates me.  A typical night in my home:

Me:  “Do you like the chili I made?”

Husband:  “Yes, it’s really good.”

Me:  “Why are you lying to me?  I know you’re lying!  You just touched your ear!  That.  Is.  Deception!  Bill Clinton did it during his impeachment hearings and now you’re doing it too!  You’re probably cheating on me too!  How many times have I seen you touch your ear?  You never loved me…”

Applying my newly established skills, I would like to let you know that, based on the pictures I’ve been looking at lately, Charlie Sheen is one miserable bastard who cannot wait until he can leave his wife, Brooke Mueller.  The good news is that Brooke had her mandatory twins this weekend, named Bob and Max.  Therefore, the clock has started ticking toward the day that it will be acceptable for Charlie and Brooke to make their “amicable split” announcement.

To any human with an IQ over 88, this is as obvious a fact as the sun being yellow or Mischa being a talentless waste of air.  And no, I never will miss an opportunity to insult her.  Back to Charlie.  His latest marriage, the one that’s five months old?  Yeah…it’s in trouble.  An In Touch Magazine article tells the all too familiar tale of a pregnant Sheen bride heading for the hills. 

With twin baby boys on the way, Charlie Sheen and his new wife, Brooke Mueller, should be enjoying one of the happiest times in their lives. Instead, their five-month marriage is being tested.

“Charlie and Brooke are going through a rough patch,” an insider says. “They are arguing a lot.”

Brooke, 31, is so shook up over Charlie, she needed a little getaway to relax and de-stress. A close friend says she might have flown to Palm Beach, Fla. to stay with her mother Moira Fiore. “I’m not saying that she’s not here,” Moira tells In Touch. “I really can’t say anything.”

Another source says that Brooke has been hard to reach. “I have not talked to her at all. Her voice mail is full and she hasn’t been in touch with anyone.”

According to a source, Brooke is worried that Charlie, 43, who has battled many demons, might be slipping back to some of his bad-boy behaviors since they’ve announced having the babies.

“Charlie has intimacy issues sometimes,” an insider says. “After getting too close with anyone, he retreats.”

I understand that Brooke’s mother is probably unaccustomed to releasing statements so I’d like to reach out to her and give her a tip.  Any form of “I cannot confirm or deny” is a confirmation.  OK?  No means no and everything else means yes.

I’ll tell you exactly what happened.  Charlie and Brooke decided to get pregnant because really, what better way to celebrate a brand new union?  Can’t couples just get a family Costco membership first?  Why does it always have to go straight to procreation?  She got pregnant with the ever fashionable twin fetuses and Charlie freaked out (”intimacy issues”) and started fucking hookers (”retreats”).  None of this is fact and it is just completely my opinion.  But when Brooke’s tell-all memoir comes out, I’ll be giving my address to anyone who would like to send me gifts to thank me for being such a visionary.  Cashmere and lavender are favorites.

Charlie Sheen’s new wife, Brooke Mueller, is reportedly pregnant with twins.

The per-capita rate of celeb twin pregnancies is kind of ridiculous lately. This can’t be coincidental, can it? Are they all having secret fertility treatments now because twins are totally the new Birkin bag?

Brooke Mueller (aka Mrs. Sheen) shows off her growing belly at her first public appearance since news of her pregnancy hit the interwebs.

She and Charlie attended the grand opening of Yellowtail Sushi Restaurant & Bar At Bellagio in Vegas. Also there: Paris Hilton, Michelle Rodriquez, Shar Jackson, Wilmer Valderrama and that stupid bitch Janelle from Sunset Tan. But I’m not posting any pictures of Janelle because I refuse to play any role in making that self-obsessed, worthless little whore famous.

Wow, Brooke Mueller wasted absolutely no time in guaranteeing herself some Charlie Sheen child support checks.

Homegirl’s knocked up.

I bet Denise Richards is fuming.

After Denise Richards “leaked” some voicemail messages from Charlie Sheen, including one where he calls her the N-word (the transcript is after the jump), Sheen has released this apology:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings.”

Sheen added, however, that “three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis” because “my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation.”

Sheesh.

I think they both kind of suck (I’m definitely always annoyed by anyone who uses the “some of my best friends are black” defense against using racial slurs in a hateful manner, although I don’t think Charlie Sheen is racist), but I still think Denise sucks harder.

Transcript of the voicemail from Sheen is after the jump. Warning: it’s offensive.

(more…)

Sucks to be you, Denise Richards.

Just a couple months after Denise’s break-up with Richie Sambora became public, her ex-hubby Charlie Sheen has gone and got himself engaged again. The newest future ex-Mrs. Sheen is Brooke Mueller, a 29-year-old real estate investor.

It seems Brooke’s investment in this relationship is already paying dividends; Charlie proposed with a $500,000 engagement ring on a Costa Rican beach.

This is Sheen’s second marriage. His first marriage, to Donna Peele, lasted about a year, and, most recently, he claimed Denise Richards as his bride. They divorced less than two years ago.

Denise and Brooke have reportedly forged a friendship of sorts, and have been spotted out and about together with Denise and Charlie’s daughters. “I really like her,” said Denise, “and that’s something people have a hard time with, too. I honestly want my girls happy and if they can have a harmonious environment at my house and at his house, that’s all I want. I really like her and I’m very, very happy for the both of them and I want my girls happy.”

See, guys? Happy. Happy! HAAAPPPPYYYY!!!!! EVERYBODY IS TOTALLY HAPPY. (Except those kids, every time Denise insists on dragging them to the red carpet events they hate so desperately.)