Hey, guys!  How bad is this new single from Carmen Electra?  Yep, Carmen Electra is a singer now — you didn’t know?  This “song” is called “Who Do You Think You Are?” and it’s off her new album — yep, Carmen Electra has an album now — titled C-17.  

I can best describe this song as the sound my brain makes right before I conclude that I need a Xanax.  An overproduced cacophony of frenetic, spastic anxiety that would make a perfect soundtrack for the spontaneous choreographed dance numbers that have started cropping up on the new 90210.  Take a listen.

Oh, God — where are those pills?

Listen, there have been no announcements, confirmations or baby talk of any kind from Carmen Electra’s camp but let’s face it:  When Carmen Flipping Electra is wearing muumuus, and there’s a reason why those dresses make the same sound as a cow, she is sperminated.  Or recovering from an aggressive lipo session but I still vote “baby.”  After all, she did get engaged to her guitarist boyfriend (who isn’t relevant enough to get a mention on her Wikipedia page) last week.  Why did I think they already got engaged eight months ago?  I swear this already happened.

If this unfortunate dress coupled with the impending betrothal isn’t enough to convince you, how about TMZ video of Carmen refusing to wear a bikini in public?  Come on…isn’t that the equivalent of her posing with a plus sign on a pee stick?

I’d like to be the first to offer my congratulations to Electra.  Either congratulations on her upcoming bundle of joy or congratulations on her upcoming flat and perfectly sculpted tummy.  Either way.  Congrats.

Carmen Electra started out shakin her ass for Prince. After that, she got naked for Playboy, people started paying her to talk on shows like Singled Out and Baywatch, and now slowly but surely she’s sunk back to the original career low of shaking her ass for a man with a guitar.

Hopefully she will gather up her dignity and fade quietly into obscurity instead of pulling a Pamela Anderson and miming taking a dump on a runway in a glorified cocktail waitress uniform for a buck.

Fergie and Carmen Electra pose pretty for the cameras at the NYE party at The Venetian in Las Vegas.

I’ve gotta go with Carmen Electra. I love that she’s touching Fergie’s ass here while Fergie’s just like, “Yeah, I don’t really need attention that badly.”

You be the judge.

At the Disaster Movie premiere in Rome.

There had been rumors of trouble in paradise, but Carmen Electra was all over her fiance, guitarist Rob Patterson, at Harrah’s Casino in Atlantic City on Friday. And, yes, she’s still sporting that rock.

I really don’t like her dress, and I’m not even sure why. I think in the pictures it doesn’t look like the top fits very well. It may be one of those dresses that looks really good in person but not so good in photos.

Carmen celebrated her 36th birthday at PURE in Las Vegas, with her current love, Korn’s touring guitarist Rob Patterson.

Guyliner. Yum.

Carmen reportedly got a tattoo of the letter “R” behind her ear. You know, I have to admit, that’s pretty smart. Like, if you have to get your man’s initial tattooed on your body, behind the ear is a good place to put it. I hope she got it put behind her right ear. That way, if they ever break up and people ask what the “R” is for, she can be like, “Oh, it’s so I know which ear is right and which is left.” And, coming from Carmen Electra, you’d probably be like, “Okay, that makes sense.”

The ESPY awards were held today at the Kodak Theater. I don’t know who won. I don’t know who was nominated. I don’t even know what types of awards are given, but I certainly hope Kendra Wilkinson’s breasts warranted at least an honorable mention. Is there an award for Most Basketball-Like Body Feature?

Danica Patrick was there, and it’s cool to get to run pictures of her, because, if you hadn’t noticed, I don’t know shit about sports, and I know less about racecar driving, but I do know that Danica Patrick has taken a man’s world by storm while still managing to look fabulous, and that’s always award-worthy in my book.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler dropped by, and I have no idea why. I’d guess she was fucking a football player or something, but I’m pretty sure she’s still with Scott Sartiano, so I don’t know why she needed to show up at this. I certainly hope it wasn’t to show off that dress, because that would have been an enormous error in judgment. Unless she can tell me whether Tony Soprano got shot in that diner, she’s of no use to me anymore.

And Maria Sharapova, because I know a lot of you like to masturbate to her.

Let’s kick this one off with a shot of Michelle Pfeiffer getting ready to make out with her sister, Dedee, because that’s hot.

We’ve also got Carmen Electra, out to disprove anyone who would dare argue that she has a neck.

And my darling Brittany Snow, who seems to have a much better grasp on the fundamentals of make-up application than the last time we saw her.

Amanda Bynes NAKED AND NUDE.

I’m kidding. It’ll just be funny when I get the search engine traffic. And by funny I mean lucrative.

Update: Ha! We’re now on the front page of U.S. Google results for both “Amanda Bynes nude” and “Amanda Bynes naked,” and, yes, I’m getting plenty of search engine traffic as a result. This shit is so much fun, you guys!

Everyone seemed to be in a genuinely good mood on Sunday at the Disney-sponsored event to support the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation in Westwood.

Jamie-Lynn Spears was there with an unidentified guest (a boyfriend, maybe? Anyone know who this Abercrombied hottie is?), and, boy, she must just be really happy that it’s not her sister in jail right now. A very pregnant Bridget Moynahan was goofing around with an adorable Molly Sims. Lauren Conrad showed up with Audrina Patridge (not surprisingly, there was no Heidi Montag in sight). Carmen Electra showed up, as did ex-hubby Dave Navarro (wearing the most adorable little shirt — I’m pretty sure I got the same one at Banana Republic a few seasons ago). Brooke Burke even brought a cowboy hat. And, of course, my darling Ashley Tisdale, once again investing her time and energy in charity rather than partying.

The National Enquirer thinks Anna Nicole’s underlying cause of death was pneumonia. And if it ran in the National Enquirer, it must be true. [Celebslam]

I knew this world was missing something. I thought it was, like, a cure for AIDS and cancer, or peace, or even potable water, but it turns out it was just a hip-shakin’ Beyonce/Shakira duet. Phew. [POTP]

Oh hells yes. A new Star Trek movie in the works! [Pajiba]

Carmen Electra’s next big career move is as a magician’s assistant in Las Vegas, where maybe she can make another marriage disappear. [popbytes]

Katherine Heigl isn’t leaving Grey’s Anatomy anytime soon, although they do hate her quite a bit around there. [ICYDK]

Jennifer Love Hewitt has very lovely breasts. [Egotastic]

In a last-ditch effort to make something good come of Elizabethtown, Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst are now officially dating. [A Socialite's Life]

Nicole Richie fires celeb stylist Rachel Zoe, possibly because she’s the only person on the planet who makes Richie look obese in comparison. [Perez Hilton]

Kate Moss’s fiance, Pete Doherty, is arrested for possession of crack cocaine. [Cele|Bitchy]

Carmen Electra is old now, too. And bless the girls at Dirty Laundry, who always link to the full-size photos of celebs, so you can check out every little zit and wrinkle on her aging little face. [Dirty Laundry]