ANTM alums Jaslene Gonzalez and Caridee English battle it out for Least Photogenic at the Lucky book party in NYC.

Tyra Banks should be ashamed. If you’re going to unleash these creatures upon society after anointing them famous, Tyra, at least hire stylists for them. Someone needs to wake you from your slumber one night with a phone call and say, “Ty-Ty, I have some bad news. Are you sitting down? Do you have someone there with you in case you can’t hold up the phone after I tell you this? Okay. Because Caridee is wearing knee-high socks and Jaslene is wearing a wrap made from the fur of an animal that doesn’t actually exist on Earth. I know, baby. I know. Cry it out.”

Because, listen, Tyra: this is a nightmare I live with every single day. You may have better things to do than look at the photos these girls take after their cycles end, but many of us in this industry have to keep looking at them. Have some respect for us.

I’m sorry for my new obsession with Caridee English, but she is everywhere lately, and she always just looks awful. Every. Single. Time.

Here she is at Chace Crawford’s 23rd birthday party in New York, looking all sorts of drunk and totally failing to look any more modelesque than the default photos of 8 million sorority girls on Facebook. Seriously if this photo is any indication, there are about 15,000 girls from Southern Oregon University alone who also should have won ANTM.

And WTF is on the table next to her? Is that a quarter? Why, God, why? Were they playing Quarters Chandelier? With wine? I have a hangover just thinking about it.

Also there: Blake Lively and Penn Badgley, looking all sorts of adorable, and Lydia Hearst, looking like someone who showed up to get her photo taken.

Seriously, for a “top model,” this girl does not photograph well.

ANTM winner Caridee English walks the red carpet at the launch party for the new Blackberry Pearl.

Has she put on weight? Like, almost entirely in her face? She looks about 40 years old.

The America’s Next Top Model winner showed up at the Grand Opening of Jay-Z’s 40/40 Club At The Palazzo Hotel in Vegas last night.

She looks like she’s going to prom!

Pregnant!!!

This is NOT a fat girl. This is a baaaaaaad dress.

Also there: Beyonce Knowles, wearing those shoes that are all the rage lately. They make me want to die. It looks like she broke her foot, and this is the fancy high-tech cast they made for her.

What a weekend!

Saturday morning, the ever-fabulous MK from popbytes organized another one of his killer blogger brunches at Kate Mantilini (aka Kate Mantil-yummy!) in Bev Hills. It’s always so much fun to hang out with the rest of the gossip blogger community. If you’re a gossip blogger in the LA area, and you’re not on his invite list, drop me a line and I’ll make sure you’re included next time.

Then it was off to San Diego, to hang out with my little sister (the one who researches phytoplankton at Scripps and wishes I would change my last name so that she didn’t have to be associated with what I do for a living … we are very different people) and my friend Courtney (whose roommates told me they love The Beet, so a shout out to Pam, Livia and Lexie!). We all went out to a club in Pacific Beach with some of Courtney’s friends, and the night was a stunning success, as I ended up making out with a super hot Marine who had a tattoo of “Venni Vitti Vicci” misspelled across his chest. I was like, “Um, is that the correct Latin spelling for that?” and he was like “Yes.” And then his buddies bust up laughing, and they’re like, “No, dude, it’s not. We never had the heart to tell you. But since she brought it up…”

The correct Latin spelling for Julius Caesar’s famous “I came, I saw, I conquered” is “Veni, vidi, vici.” So he was wrong on like 8 different levels. Honestly, people, run this stuff by a professional before you get it tattooed on your body. But whatever. I didn’t exactly need him to translate The Aeneid for me, if you know what I mean. ;)

On Sunday we recovered, then went to dinner with some cousins, and then traffic on the 5 sucked coming north, so I just now got home. So I apologize that posting’s been nonexistent this weekend. I needed a couple days off.

Anyway, here are some pics of ANTM winner Caridee English hosting at SET in Miami on Friday night. She brought along her boyfriend, who is considerably less attractive than she is. But the real question is … which one of them is drunker? It’s anyone’s guess …

Oh wait, except she totally doesn’t.

Every picture I’ve come across of her since she won ANTM just sucks.

Seriously, this chick makes Vincent Pastore look like a supermodel.

Also: Rachel Hunter is a tragedy.

I’m not even going to tell you guys what event this is, because it’s the stupidest thing ever, and I can’t even believe they got a celebrity of Caridee’s status to attend. This is definitely the kind of event where you have your fingers crossed for some contestant from Average Joe to show up. I’ll give you a hint: the words “Meow Mix” and “Acatemy” are used.

WHERE IS JASLENE?

I haven’t seen pics of her in ages, so I hope that means she’s in some manner of eating disorder rehab facility. Ooh, maybe she’s at Cirque Lodge bonding with Lindsay Lohan. That’s where Mary-Kate Olsen went to have her cocaine addiction eating disorder treated. Jaslene Gonzalez makes Mary-Kate Olsen look like a compulsive over-eater.

ANTM winner Caridee English and Ashlee Simpson both look like they really have to pee at the opening of the Runway lounge in NYC.

Also, Cari, nice colored contacts. Even Paris Hilton’s at least look borderline natural. You look like you may have superpowers. Just not in modeling …