I was intrigued by these pictures of Calista Flockhart and Denise Richards treating their children like extra baggage while shopping at Fred Segal in L.A. on Saturday.

Denise’s little girls cling to mommy’s shopping bag handles while Flockhart attempts to do everything in her power to avoid actually holding hands with adopted son Liam while he totes her shopping bags.

Is it just me, or does it seem like Calista Flockhart would be one hellish nightmare of  a stepmother/mother? I’m basing this on absolutely no evidence whatsoever, other than pictures like those above (and below) and the fact that she is frighteningly skinny. I mean,the poor kids can’t even hug her for fear of eviscerating themselves on her clavicle.

Insert obligatory joke about his oldness and her weight.

There are times when you think someone famous has died. Then they show up on some late night talk show and turn your entire worldview on its head with their disturbing refusal to die. I’m not naming names, but Martin Landau, I’m lookin at you. Or rather, kind of in your direction and to the side of you because your face is scary.

And then there are times when a celebrity couple announces their engagement and you say, “I thought they were already married. For like, six years now.”

And that’s exactly what I said when I read the official announcement that Harrison Ford popped the question to girlfriend of 7 years Calista Flockhart over Valentine’s Day weekend. Congratulations. Everyone already thought you were married.

Next week I’ll be announcing that I’ve been born.

It’s been rumored many times, but this time may be different.  Could Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford finally be getting married?  According to talk in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, the couple have obtained a blood test and a marriage license.  That would mean they’ve got thirty days to seal the deal in the town where they own a 800-acre ranch.

The couple have already accomplished the gargantuan feat of staying together for seven years.  I don’t understand why they want to doom it by getting married.  I’m such a romantic.

Calista Flockhart showed up with Harrison Ford at a fundraiser in Laguna Beach looking like she just climbed out of her coffin.

She’s 43 years old now, but she looks more like 60!

Is she trying to make Harrison Ford feel better about his age?

I mean, is it just me, or did she look ooooold at the Oscars? Is Harrison Ford contagious? Does anyone who spends too much time around him just get old?

Remember when she was that perky, quirky Ally McBeal? When she barely seemed old enough to have gone to law school? Was that fifty years ago? Did we even have color TVs back then? Who were her co-stars? Mickey Rooney and Shirley Temple?

I’m such a bitch.

In my defense, though, I have cholera. I mean, based on the cholera research I’ve done during the past five minutes, I’ll probably only survive a few more hours. Still, though, I bet I outlive Calista.