I have to tell you, I’m not getting the warm fuzzies about Bruce Willis’ new marriage to Emma Heming.  Sure, they were willing to do a bit of S & M for a price, but I was flipping through recent pics of the couple (because I want to tell you about how horrible Bruce treated a fan at Fashion Week) and the body language is not good between these two.  Sometimes, couples just strike an unfortunate pose.  Almost every single picture of them at fashion week consists of Bruce with is arms and/or legs firmly crossed, or hands in pockets pulling away and his wife hanging onto him for dear life.

Now, about Bruce’s temper:  The other day, the actor was having some cocktails — I’m sure they were Seagram’s wine coolers — with his wife in the VIP Lounge prior to attending the Erin Wasson show.  Female fans were taking pictures of him with their camera phones and he seemed okay with that, smiling for the photos.  Then one woman made the epic error of poking him in the shoulder to get his attention.  Oopsie!  Blow Hard got angry, leaned in close and stuck a finger in the woman’s face and said, “Don’t you ever touch me, understand?”

I’m sure it’s a scary time to be a celebrity and he obviously doesn’t want to be touched by the masses. There are so many whack jobs out there; he didn’t know that it wasn’t Mischa Barton trying to suck out his essence.  Anything is possible.

After he left the fan speechless, he stormed off and tried to hide his drink up his sleeve to avoid the paps getting a picture.  And his wife?  She continued to cling to his arm.

Ah, I’m just kidding!  Bruce and his wife Emma Heming did do a really explicit bondage photo shoot for July’s issue of W, though. 

The pictoral accompanied an interview with the couple where they talked about boring stuff like love and not wanting to spend a minute apart.  Bleah.  Willis also mentioned that he instructed his assistant to punch him in the face if he ever spoke of remarrying.  Here’s hoping she was working out regularly in the days leading up to their engagement announcement.

Check out the spread — you never knew I could be so literal –and riddle me this:  How do you think Rumer, Scout and Tallulah feel about seeing their Daddy and step-mommy getting their S&M on?

Oh man. I wish falling in love was as easy for me as it is for Bruce Willis. Apparently Bruce did not meet his new wife, Emma Heming, through friends, as his PR team originally stated. He was basically casting for girlfriends, using his Halle Berry flick Perfect Stranger as a cover. It’s kind of like Match.com but for really rich and famous people, I guess.

An impeccable source tells Page Six: “During the casting of ‘Perfect Stranger’ [the suspense movie Willis made with Halle Berry two years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role.”

At Willis’ request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts.

Our casting source said, “He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to ‘read,’ he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date.”

The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. “He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene,” our insider said.

Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis “started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out,” the source said.

This is how I’m going to date in the future. Evil Beet is going to start using a lot of male models. I’m not sure where or how we’ll use them (suggestions?) but we are DEFINITELY going to be needing a LOT of male models around here. I will be casting them. Then I will be dating them, and marrying the one I like best. That is how we’re going to do my dating life from now on, okay? Okay.

Bruce Willis and girlfriend Emma Hemming got hitched Saturday morning in a small ceremony held at Bruce’s home in the Carribean Islands of Turks & Caicos, proving that divorcing Demi Moore may not have been the stupidest move he could have ever made. With his marriage to Hemming, both sides of that divorce have now moved on to much younger paramours.

I can only guess that they are both alien succubi who need to constantly divorce and remarry younger mates from which they can slowly drain the life force energy necessary to sustain their people suits. Bruce has been needing younger prey for some time now. Look how much his people suit has decayed!

Word on the street is that the rapidly balding actor is planning to get engaged to his girlfriend, model Emma Heming, as the two were spotted engagement-ring shopping in LA recently.

Emma is 23 years younger than Bruce. But, seriously, she looks even younger than that. She almost looks younger than Rumer.

Former hottie Bruce Willis is signed on for his directorial debut with the indie psychological drama Three Stories About Joan.

Bruce will have a supporting role in the film, but the lead will be played by 10,000 BC star Camilla Belle (who is not the girl in the picture — that’s his girlfriend, Emma Heming).

Also appearing in the film: Kieran Culkin.

Rumer may finally be on her way out!

Demi Moore brought Tallulah Belle to the NYC screening of Flawless.

No Rumer in sight!

This is probably because Rumer lives in LA and the screening was in NY, but I like to think it’s because the Moore-Willis family has finally decided to disown her.

Bruce Willis was also there, with model Emma Hemming, who I assume is one of his hos in different area codes.

My very favoritest of all the Willises, 14-year-old Tallulah Belle, was spotted on Robertson with her dad Bruce and some chick. I believe this is former Playmate Karen McDougal, but I’m sure you guys will correct me if I’m wrong. I can’t ID the other girl, but I assume she’s some friend of Tallulah’s.

Anyway, how fabulous is Tallulah? She’s just so freaking great on camera. I love her and I can’t wait until she’s a little older and starts showing up more often.

And to celebrate new pics of Tallulah, I’ve included here the Tori Amos video for “Talula,” which always pops into my head when I see this little Willis gem, and because I’m just a shameless Toriphile.

Bruce Willis hits the town with his new love, 29-year-old model Emma Heming.

The kicker?

In this shot, they’re leaving Ashton Kutcher’s 30th birthday party.

Gosh, Ashton Kutcher is 30 years old already? Geez, Demi, don’t you think it’s about time you dump his ass and take up with Aaron Carter?

Bruce Willis somehow looks like a truck driver, yet he once again has a barely legal hot girlfriend…see kids money can buy you love! [ICYDK]

Some guy auditioned for American Idol 11 times? Seriously, somebody really wants to get on TV. [People]

I have no issue with Baptists…but I do have an issue with crazy folk. [Mollygood]

Kim Kardashian…still naked. [Egotastic]

Remember how scary his balding ass looked last week?

I guess Bruce Willis reads the gossip blogs, as he opted to wear a hat to the Rome premiere of Live Free or Die Hard.

Thank you, Bruce. Now let’s never take it off again, okay?

It’s Bruce Willis.

Yeah, you read that right.

I am not fucking kidding you.

What? Happened?

PUT THE TOUPEE BACK ON, BRUCE!! YOU’RE SCARING ME!!!