A source tells the NY Post that 16 year old Patrick Schwarzenegger has been dating 15 year old Tallulah Belle Willis since around Halloween. A rep for Bruce Willis denies it, but I’m going to take this ball and run with it (with both eyes closed) because that would be such an insane coupling. If she happens to get knocked up, the genetics of that baby would be “strong like Austrian ox”:  90% chin, 9% teeth, and 1% roundhouse kicks. It’ll probably punch  its way right out of her uterus. I hope they name it  after the last name of the mom’s family, like they always do on soap operas: I can’t wait to meet little Willis Moore Schwarzenegger-Shriver.

I have to tell you, I’m not getting the warm fuzzies about Bruce Willis’ new marriage to Emma Heming.  Sure, they were willing to do a bit of S & M for a price, but I was flipping through recent pics of the couple (because I want to tell you about how horrible Bruce treated a fan at Fashion Week) and the body language is not good between these two.  Sometimes, couples just strike an unfortunate pose.  Almost every single picture of them at fashion week consists of Bruce with is arms and/or legs firmly crossed, or hands in pockets pulling away and his wife hanging onto him for dear life.

Now, about Bruce’s temper:  The other day, the actor was having some cocktails — I’m sure they were Seagram’s wine coolers — with his wife in the VIP Lounge prior to attending the Erin Wasson show.  Female fans were taking pictures of him with their camera phones and he seemed okay with that, smiling for the photos.  Then one woman made the epic error of poking him in the shoulder to get his attention.  Oopsie!  Blow Hard got angry, leaned in close and stuck a finger in the woman’s face and said, “Don’t you ever touch me, understand?”

I’m sure it’s a scary time to be a celebrity and he obviously doesn’t want to be touched by the masses. There are so many whack jobs out there; he didn’t know that it wasn’t Mischa Barton trying to suck out his essence.  Anything is possible.

After he left the fan speechless, he stormed off and tried to hide his drink up his sleeve to avoid the paps getting a picture.  And his wife?  She continued to cling to his arm.

Ah, I’m just kidding!  Bruce and his wife Emma Heming did do a really explicit bondage photo shoot for July’s issue of W, though. 

The pictoral accompanied an interview with the couple where they talked about boring stuff like love and not wanting to spend a minute apart.  Bleah.  Willis also mentioned that he instructed his assistant to punch him in the face if he ever spoke of remarrying.  Here’s hoping she was working out regularly in the days leading up to their engagement announcement.

Check out the spread — you never knew I could be so literal –and riddle me this:  How do you think Rumer, Scout and Tallulah feel about seeing their Daddy and step-mommy getting their S&M on?

Oh man. I wish falling in love was as easy for me as it is for Bruce Willis. Apparently Bruce did not meet his new wife, Emma Heming, through friends, as his PR team originally stated. He was basically casting for girlfriends, using his Halle Berry flick Perfect Stranger as a cover. It’s kind of like Match.com but for really rich and famous people, I guess.

An impeccable source tells Page Six: “During the casting of ‘Perfect Stranger’ [the suspense movie Willis made with Halle Berry two years ago], Bruce was very involved with the casting. In fact, you could say he was extremely involved no matter how minor the role.”

At Willis’ request, calls were placed to modeling agencies to fill the roles of extras and minor speaking parts.

Our casting source said, “He personally went through head shots and when the girls were called in to ‘read,’ he was there in the meeting. It was odd for the star of a movie to do so, but at the time he was single and I guess he needed a date.”

The casting sessions/blind dates went well enough. “He started dating [model] Tamara Feldman, with whom he coincidentally enough had a sex scene,” our insider said.

Then, Heming was selected for a small speaking part. Willis “started dating both Tamara and Emma but obviously, Emma eventually won out,” the source said.

This is how I’m going to date in the future. Evil Beet is going to start using a lot of male models. I’m not sure where or how we’ll use them (suggestions?) but we are DEFINITELY going to be needing a LOT of male models around here. I will be casting them. Then I will be dating them, and marrying the one I like best. That is how we’re going to do my dating life from now on, okay? Okay.

Bruce Willis and girlfriend Emma Hemming got hitched Saturday morning in a small ceremony held at Bruce’s home in the Carribean Islands of Turks & Caicos, proving that divorcing Demi Moore may not have been the stupidest move he could have ever made. With his marriage to Hemming, both sides of that divorce have now moved on to much younger paramours.

I can only guess that they are both alien succubi who need to constantly divorce and remarry younger mates from which they can slowly drain the life force energy necessary to sustain their people suits. Bruce has been needing younger prey for some time now. Look how much his people suit has decayed!

Word on the street is that the rapidly balding actor is planning to get engaged to his girlfriend, model Emma Heming, as the two were spotted engagement-ring shopping in LA recently.

Emma is 23 years younger than Bruce. But, seriously, she looks even younger than that. She almost looks younger than Rumer.

Former hottie Bruce Willis is signed on for his directorial debut with the indie psychological drama Three Stories About Joan.

Bruce will have a supporting role in the film, but the lead will be played by 10,000 BC star Camilla Belle (who is not the girl in the picture — that’s his girlfriend, Emma Heming).

Also appearing in the film: Kieran Culkin.