While most of the country is freezing its ass off in the depths of January, Brooke Hogan is practically naked as she goes shopping in Miami Beach. Or at least I think Brooke Hogan is in this photo. I can’t see much past the breasts.

Brooke Hogan throws her arms around her brother, Nick, as he’s released from jail in Florida today.

This is actually a sweet picture, and, for a brief moment, I hate neither of them.

Give me a day or so.

Here’s Brooke, promoting her TV show by slamming her mom, on Chelsea Lately.

I was starting to root for the girl, I really was, until she showed up on her new reality show, Brooke Knows Best, spouting out about how a woman shouldn’t run for President … because of PMS.

Jesus. Christ.

You only need to watch the first 30 minutes of this clip to hear what you need to hear.

Shut up, Brooke.

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say because I can’t relate to her right now. I’m extremely shocked. I know if I was 48-years-old, I wouldn’t date a 19-year-old. I just don’t feel it’s her. And through all this stuff, I really need my mom, and she’s doing her own thing. I don’t talk to her anymore. I see her at the jail visiting Nick and she asks me why. I say, ‘I don’t condone what you’re doing. I’m on my path, and you’re on your path.’ I told her, ‘I’d love to have you in my life, to see you and talk to you, but the kind of things you’re surrounding yourself with, it doesn’t make sense to me.”

Brooke Hogan, discussing her relationship with her mother in the new issue of Us Weekly.

Presumably because the pending parental divorce and near-certain jail stay of son Nick mean that Hogan Knows Best is on its last legs, VH1 will be launching a spin-off series focusing on the life of the woman who is, tragically, the sanest member of the Hogan clan at this point.

That’s right: Brooke’s getting her own show.

The series will follow Brooke as she “strikes out on her own in Miami.”

Well, we’ve certainly watched Brooke strike out on countless red carpets, so let’s see if Miami’s perhaps a better fit. Honestly, what does Brooke Hogan even do all day? We’ll find out, I guess.

I mean, this was probably the long-term plan anyway. When Hogan Knows Best first started filming, word on the street was that Hulk only agreed to do the series because he thought it would help Brooke’s recording career. Brooke’s 2006 release, Undiscovered, sold only 127,000 copies (insert your own “undiscovered”-related joke here). Those are actually not awful numbers considering the album was released via Scott Storch’s indie label, Storch Music Company.

My guess is she’ll be back to making records. What else does she have to do?

Things just keep getting worse for that Hogan family. Remember when they all seemed so happy and familial and perfect on TV? Things are never what they seem, my friends.

A 33-year-old pal of Brooke Hogan’s, Christiane Plant, has spilled the beans to the National Enquirer about an affair she had last year — before the divorce — with Papa Hulk. Says Christiane: “My relationship with Terry [Hulk Hogan] began at a time when Terry and Linda privately knew their marriage was ending. She had left him already, although no official papers had been filed. Terry is a good man, good father and a good friend, and he and I grew close at a time when he was going through a very difficult period. It seemed right then, but I know it was wrong … Having felt the guilt and pain build up, I gave a note to Brooke apologizing for my actions. I will never be able to fully forgive myself for this. I have lost an amazing friend.”

What a fucking hooker! Jesus, Christiane, if a little note didn’t help to patch things up between you and Brooke, I’m sure airing her family’s dirty laundry to the National Enquirer did the trick.

In response, Brooke posted the following on her MySpace blog, but later deleted it:

Saturday, February 23, 2008

i never thought…

Current mood: sad
Category: Life

When your best friend and one of your closest family members that you have loved unconditionally since your first day on this earth, betrays you together, you could MAYBE find it in yourself to forgive one day… but you will NEVER forget the hurt they caused you and how it hurt the people who mean the most to you…its the worst feeling in the world to be betrayed. And worse to know you can never trust the one you should be able to…

Aw, Brooke. I actually feel bad for you, sweetie. So bad that, for the first time in this history of this blog, I’m running a photo of you without disparaging your fashion sense. That’s just how I show my support.