Hey, guys.  I have to make this quick.  I started playing this recording of the fantastic song that Brooke Hogan lent her, uh, vocals to on her rapper-boyfriend Jeremih’s song “Birthday Sex” and now every dog that resides in a two-mile radius is howling on my front porch.  I’ve got a situation on my hands. 

While I deal with animal control, I ask you this:  Which is worse?  “Birthday Sex” or “Sneakernight?”

After getting to finally preview Brooke Hogan’s newest album cover the other night, I’ve just been dying to hear some of the music from this masterpiece. My wait is over.

In the spirit of friendship, I strongly caution you to listen to the intelligently named “Hey Yo” on an empty stomach.  Honestly?  It’s actually not as horrible as I hoped but I think what makes it so undesireable is in knowing that it’s Brooke Hogan — or BroHo, as I like to call her — singing. If I heard it on the radio and was blissfully unaware of the artist, I probably wouldn’t drive off the road. Yes, that’s my review of this song: it doesn’t make me want to drive off the road.

And their lovechild has graced the cover of Brooke Hogan’s new album cover, The Redemption.

I stared at this picture for an interminable amount of time just trying to see some element of Brooke in it.  I am now going to spray an entire can of FDS into my eyes in hopes of trying to reverse some of the damage.

A couple weeks ago, we ran the photos of Brooke Hogan on the set of her new music video, which features her much smaller boyfriend, Yannique Barker. Now we have a clip from the actual video, for a song called “Falling.” I think the full title is “I Need to Keep Checking to Make Sure My Extensions Aren’t Falling Out,” because pretty much the whole vid is just her playing with her god-awful hair. Poor Brookie. You’d think with all her money and connections she’d be able to get a decent producer and songwriter on board, as well as a professional video production company. This track is horrible, as is the video.

Hulk Hogan and his girlfriend, Jennifer McDaniel, made an appearance at Brooke’s 21st birthday in Las Vegas hotspot Pure last night. I have so much trouble believing that Brooke is only 21 years old. I feel like this girl has lived four lifetimes already, only two of which she’s spent ratting out her mother’s drug habit to the press. Linda Hogan was, of course, not there, unless she and her boyfriend are hiding in Jennifer’s breast implants. Actually, that’s unlikely, because those implants look like they’re older than Linda’s boyfriend.

And Brooke? Lay off the spray-tan, sweetie. Your father should not be your barometer for an appropriate face color.

“I had a talk with her and I said, “I think everyone in America knows why I won’t accept Charlie.” But what people don’t know is that he’s a bad influence on her. She’s not staying as healthy as she should be. He’s 19, he can party his ass off. She’s 48. I said, “Mom, if you want to have a relationship with me you have to dump Charlie.” It’s not because of his age. If he were 5 years old and a good influence on her then that would better. But I’m just not happy with the situation because of their poor judgment — with what they do … I know there are things that could damage her health and make her get old really quick. I don’t want to see that happen. I’m trying to stick to the tough love thing. I’m just staying away until she wakes up. In order for me to keep my sanity, I have to love her from afar. We are totally different women. I’m straightlaced, don’t do drugs, stick to my regimen. It’s different there.”

Brooke Hogan, initiating Phase 2 of Operation Tough Love, coded Selling Out Mom’s Drug Habit to the Tabloids Because I Have a TV Show and an Album to Promote.

Brooke spent some time in Miami this weekend filming her new music video (wait, really???) with her new boyfriend, rapper Yannique Barker. This makes perfect sense, actually. Her mother dates men who are half her age. Brooke can’t do that without tip-toeing into statutory rape, so instead she’s dating men who are half her size.

Whatever. I can’t wait to see this video. I’m sure it’ll be AMAZING and bubbling over with talent and intelligence, like everything Brooke does.