The D.A. assigned to the cases of Joe Francis, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole surrounding a fight at a Los Angeles night club is saying that he won’t file charges against any of them. Gee, you mean you think they might have been fabricating the severity of the crimes committed the entire time? Why would anyone draw unneeded attention to themselves? Surely there’s no publicity on the line.

The tape from the Guys and Dolls security camera that caught the whole “incident” shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation”, as in “bitch went crazy and threw a drink. It’s not as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be.” The DA found the cases to be such a non-issue that they stated “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.” To translate once again, that means “we’re not going to waste time by fueling the self-serving interests of three famewhores who want to make a big deal about a spilled vodka soda in court.”

I caught a lot of flack in the comments when this story first broke for saying that I was pretty sure Jayde made the whole thing up and that the bruises she suffered as a result of her “attack” were more likely caused by her own crazy behavior than the foot of Joe Francis, who not too long ago served a decently-sized prison sentence. I’m pretty sure that that bonehead has no desire to go back to jail and wouldn’t be seen kicking a Playmate over the uncomfortable feeling of wearing some wet pants. However, I’m feeling pretty vindicated knowing that not even the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office will see these fools in court because the entire incident is so obviously overblown and a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Bless these people, seriously. They need it.

Remember that whole debacle a few weeks back between Brody Jenner, Playmate Jayde Nicole, Joe Francis and a taser?  Me neither.  But Jayde remembers.  Oh, does she remember and she’s hoping that Joe Francis’ wallet gets a reminder that it won’t soon forget.

Today Jayde filed a lawsuit claiming that she was assaulted and battered.  The suit states, ”In an intoxicated and uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis, who weighs over 200 lbs, physically attacked plaintiff Nicole, approximately 115 lbs, by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her person and then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground of the nightclub like a rag-doll.”

In addition, Nicole was injured.  She cites, “a black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, and utter emotional distress and humiliation.”

In case you are wondering what clumps of hair and utter emotional distress go for these days, she’s looking for a million bucks as well as punitive damages.

I feel bad for all the poor stiffs who thought they’d be meeting the ‘Maxim Hot 100′ at this party and instead got a somewhat surly looking Stacey Keibler, Brody Jenner and Doug Reinhart feeling each other up  and Kevin Sorbo in a mock turtleneck. On the upside – Brittany Snow dyed her hair dark! I actually like the change on her. She’s always been sunny super blond so maybe the new hair will help her get more serious roles.

Other attendees, including Chris from N*Sync and Howie from BSB..

In case you aren’t too familiar with Bromance, let me clue you in.  It’s basically the testosterone version of Paris Hilton’s My New BFFwith segments such as canfessionals (that’s right, filmed on a toilet) and eliminations that take place, of course, in a hot tub.  Here’s hoping the dismal ratings translate to “on hiatus”.

In other “Remember When MTV Played Videos?” news, The City, spinoff of The Hills pretty much tanked with 1.6 million viewers which is a 38% drop from last week’s Hills finale.

Brody Jenner and Lauren Conrad were spotted cuddling and canoodling at hotspot LAX.

Hurry up and knock her up already, Brody. This is soooo boring.

Kevin Federline (sporting a mohawk?) and Brody Jenner partied at LAX in Vegas on Saturday night, where they chilled with Paris and Nicky Hilton.

What a black hole of stupid.

Image via Splash

Is the tattoo real? Is his first name on the other side? Will Spencer and Heidi be there? Or are we still pretending to have that feud? So many questions, so little information available. I think Brody Jenner should record a 3-minute trailer for his birthday party. Maybe MTV will air it. I know we’d be happy to run it on here.

I think I smell another C-list feud.

Kelly Osbourne and Kim Stewart were set to do a reality show together on E! next season. It was supposed to be a Simple Life replacement, except with less famous and less interesting people. Unsurprisingly, “the network just wasn’t into Kelly and Kimberly’s show.” Instead, it looks like they’ll be the mystery network airing the Kim Kardashian reality show I mentioned last week, which co-stars her gazillion brothers and sisters, including Brody Jenner, who has to win some sort of award for reality shows based loosely around his life (Princes of Malibu, The Hills and now this … even Lauren Conrad can’t top that). Poor Kim Stewart’s tried forever to get on reality TV … she was trying to be the Nicole Richie replacement on The Simple Life during the Paris/Nicole feud, but the network was like, “Um, it turns out that you’re not very interesting when you’re not toppling off motorcycles on red carpets, so no.” I guess she’s just not destined for reality TV stardom.

Ring, ring!
Brody Jenner: Hi, Kim.
Kim Kardashian: Hi, Brody.
BJ: Gee, Kim, I sure do wish I was more famous than I am. I had that one TV show that lasted three episodes, and then I was banging Nicole Richie, and then Lauren Conrad, and now I’m just plumb out of ideas.
KK: I have the same problem.
BJ: Any suggestions?
KK: You could pee on Lauren Conrad and tape it. That works well.
BJ: That’s a really good idea, but I don’t know if Lauren would go for it.
KK: You could get a DUI or get arrested for doing something totally retarded while you’re drunk.
BJ: Yeah, but that’s so Jason Wahler. I don’t want to look like a copycat.
KK: I guess you could try feuding with someone. Spencer Pratt maybe?
BJ: See, we did that earlier in the week, and it might have been a big deal at a different time, but Lindsay Lohan got that DUI. So we blew that load for nothing.
KK: That sucks. Paris and Nicole got mileage out of that shit for like two years.
BJ: I know. It’s not fair.
KK: I’ll tell you what: I’m marginally famous for nothing. So are you. What if we showed up somewhere together? That would get some publicity for sure.
BJ: Oooh, I like that idea!
KK: Awesome. You like sushi?
BJ: Totally.

At Koi last night.

Update: I forgot these two are step-siblings. Which will make it even better publicity for them when they start dating. Thanks Anna!

In a move that absolutely reeks of Spencer Pratt’s take on marketing, he and his best friend Brody Jenner are “feuding.”

Sources tell Usmagazine.com that after a ten-year relationship that included creating a reality show (FOX’s The Princes of Malibu), partying like young Hollywood royalty and lobbying their way onto MTV’s The Hills, reality stars Spencer Pratt and Brody Jenner have broken off their friendship.

Sources confirm that the rift began shortly after Pratt made inflammatory comments about Brody’s ex Nicole Richie in a Details magazine story earlier this year, and the break was cemented about a month ago when Pratt was angered by Jenner rekindling a frienship with arch-enemy Lauren Conrad.

Really, guys?

That is so gay.

Feuding is for chicks. Leave it to Lauren and Heidi. I know, I know, you’re tired of Lauren and Heidi getting all the publicity, you both desperately want to be famous, etc, etc. I know the drill. But maybe you could have, I dunno, attended an AA meeting after alerting X17? Totaled a car? Slept with Paris Hilton? Proposed to Heidi Montag? (Oh, wait, you already did that.) But feuding over Lauren Conrad? Soooo gay. You guys need to find a new tactic, stat.

This is the second time this week.

At Hyde last night.

Photo credit: Buzz Foto

Just asking.

At Le Petit Four in WeHo yesterday.

Photo credit: Buzz Foto