This is really, really devastating and I’m not quite sure how to put this so I’m going to spit it out and hopefully we can talk about it after if you’re not too upset: Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole broke up. I know! I know! It’s OK! Calm down! The holidays are a tough time for everyone, maybe it could just be a break! Who knows? I know I never saw the perfection that is this couple parting ways, so maybe there’s a chance we’ll get a Christmas miracle and they’ll reconcile.

Seriously though: I guess these two morons broke up a couple weeks ago and have been keeping their split on the DL. The two were dating for about a year (it seems like so much longer than that since we first saw that pretty, evil little face yelling at Audrina on The Hills for allegedly hooking up with her man, right?) and broke up around December 11th when Brody returned from a trip to Australia. The reasons for the break-up were unclear, but the two fought constantly and had quite a bit of drama this summer with the whole Joe Francis incident.

One endearingly stupid thing though? Jayde Tweeted on December 18th, “Sometimes when you truly love someone you have to let them go…I never really understood that quote until now.” LOL @ Jayde Nicole not understanding the quote she paraphrased “until now”. Man, I have the potential to miss that idiot, I think.

The D.A. assigned to the cases of Joe Francis, Brody Jenner and Jayde Nicole surrounding a fight at a Los Angeles night club is saying that he won’t file charges against any of them. Gee, you mean you think they might have been fabricating the severity of the crimes committed the entire time? Why would anyone draw unneeded attention to themselves? Surely there’s no publicity on the line.

The tape from the Guys and Dolls security camera that caught the whole “incident” shows that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation”, as in “bitch went crazy and threw a drink. It’s not as big of a deal as she’s making it out to be.” The DA found the cases to be such a non-issue that they stated “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.” To translate once again, that means “we’re not going to waste time by fueling the self-serving interests of three famewhores who want to make a big deal about a spilled vodka soda in court.”

I caught a lot of flack in the comments when this story first broke for saying that I was pretty sure Jayde made the whole thing up and that the bruises she suffered as a result of her “attack” were more likely caused by her own crazy behavior than the foot of Joe Francis, who not too long ago served a decently-sized prison sentence. I’m pretty sure that that bonehead has no desire to go back to jail and wouldn’t be seen kicking a Playmate over the uncomfortable feeling of wearing some wet pants. However, I’m feeling pretty vindicated knowing that not even the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office will see these fools in court because the entire incident is so obviously overblown and a desperate attempt to stay relevant. Bless these people, seriously. They need it.

Remember that whole debacle a few weeks back between Brody Jenner, Playmate Jayde Nicole, Joe Francis and a taser?  Me neither.  But Jayde remembers.  Oh, does she remember and she’s hoping that Joe Francis’ wallet gets a reminder that it won’t soon forget.

Today Jayde filed a lawsuit claiming that she was assaulted and battered.  The suit states, ”In an intoxicated and uncontrollable rage, defendant Francis, who weighs over 200 lbs, physically attacked plaintiff Nicole, approximately 115 lbs, by pulling on her hair from behind to gain maximum control over her person and then violently shoving and/or throwing her to the ground of the nightclub like a rag-doll.”

In addition, Nicole was injured.  She cites, “a black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped-out hair, and utter emotional distress and humiliation.”

In case you are wondering what clumps of hair and utter emotional distress go for these days, she’s looking for a million bucks as well as punitive damages.

I feel bad for all the poor stiffs who thought they’d be meeting the ‘Maxim Hot 100′ at this party and instead got a somewhat surly looking Stacey Keibler, Brody Jenner and Doug Reinhart feeling each other up  and Kevin Sorbo in a mock turtleneck. On the upside – Brittany Snow dyed her hair dark! I actually like the change on her. She’s always been sunny super blond so maybe the new hair will help her get more serious roles.

Other attendees, including Chris from N*Sync and Howie from BSB..

That is, I want to hear from all 963,000 people who tuned in to the premier of Brody Jenner’s MTV show Bromance.  I want to know who you are, where you live and what meds you are currently taking. 

In case you aren’t too familiar with Bromance, let me clue you in.  It’s basically the testosterone version of Paris Hilton’s My New BFFwith segments such as canfessionals (that’s right, filmed on a toilet) and eliminations that take place, of course, in a hot tub.  Here’s hoping the dismal ratings translate to “on hiatus”.

In other “Remember When MTV Played Videos?” news, The City, spinoff of The Hills pretty much tanked with 1.6 million viewers which is a 38% drop from last week’s Hills finale.

Brody Jenner and Lauren Conrad were spotted cuddling and canoodling at hotspot LAX.

Hurry up and knock her up already, Brody. This is soooo boring.

Kevin Federline (sporting a mohawk?) and Brody Jenner partied at LAX in Vegas on Saturday night, where they chilled with Paris and Nicky Hilton.

What a black hole of stupid.

Image via Splash