Britney Spears and K-Fed briefly reunite to jointly issue one last depressing statement: they did not make a sex tape. [Agent Bedhead]

Somehow — somehow — Wesley Snipes has managed to compare his tax evasion indictment to rape and accuse the federal government of racism in a single well-advised statement sent via email to a columnist for the Orlando Sentinel. [E! Online]

I still haven’t figured out who this Katie “Jordan” Price person is, but she’s selling her implants on eBay. [Hollyscoop]

Will Smith homeschools his kids, because he knows everything. [Junkiness]

Kristin Cavallari has found someone even less famous than Brody Jenner to date, her Revenge of the Nerds “co-star,” Nick Zano. [Superficial Girls]

Britney Spears and her new extensions score with the Vegas casinos and possibly Mario Lopez. Some other bloggers may refer to Lopez as a star of Saved by the Bell and, more recently, Dancing with the Stars. I will, now and always, refer to him as the jackass who married the Doritos girl and then cheated on her three days after the wedding. Come on, Brit. You can do better. [Faded Youth]

Kimberley Stewart denies having a liver disease, agrees with me that her father crossed the line by a good solid mile. “I love my dad but sometimes he has a big mouth, and not just when he’s singing. I don’t have a liver disease.” [Celebrity Smack]

Why bother getting raped when you can just pay to have sex with Mike Tyson? Heidi Fleiss says she has hired the boxer as an “employee” of her planned Nevada brothel for female clientele. [Tabloid Whore]

I know I give her a hard time, but I’ll be honest: Katharine McPhee looks killer in these recent photo shoots. [Pop on the Pop]

Okay, it’s over. I have been putting off saying this for a really long time — even though I saw it coming — because it’s saddening to me, and it feels like the end of a truly glorious era. But it’s happened, and there’s no more denying it: Pamela Anderson looks old. [Teddy and Moo]

Oh hells no! Britney removes K-Fed from her top 12 on MySpace. That’s what you get for writing mean things about her on shower walls, Kevin. [Faded Youth]

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are turned away from the London world premiere of Casino Royale, after someone very wise determined that perhaps Queen Elizabeth should not share a red carpet with a world-renowned cokehead. [Agent Bedhead]

Madonna confirms that she plans to adopt a baby girl from Malawi, in order to “redress the balance” in her family. Madonna says things like “redress” because she’s British. Oh wait. [Dirty Laundry]

Donald Trump is going to be a grandpa. Sadly, it’s not because Lance Armstrong knocked up Ivanka. [The Bosh]

Madame Tussaud’s unveils the new Ashlee Simpson wax likeness. What’s that? Oh, I’m told that’s actually Ashlee Simpson. [Celebrity Smack]

Okay, so, in college, some friends and I determined that Sexual Misadventures with Kimmy Gibbler would be, hands-down, the best band name ever. My reasons for mentioning this now are twofold. First, it’s still true, and someone should get on that. Second, Bob Saget actually makes reference to sex with Kimmy Gibbler in this clip of his stand-up, where he sings “Danny Tanner Is Not Gay” to the tune of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way.” [BWE]

Are you ready to masturbate to sneakers? Reebok sure hopes so. They’ve hired Scarlett to co-create a line of footwear and apparel and star in the ad campaign. [IDLYITW]

Finally! It’s time for the Reese Witherspoon love interest rumors! Up first: Jake Gyllenhaal. [Hollywood Grind]

Whitney Houston, Britney Spears, and now…Tara Reid.

Remember a year ago when Tara Reid was showing up to events looking like this.

Now she looks like this.

I’m glad finally someone taught her how to brush/wash her hair and do her makeup. She used to be really smokin and I’m glad she finally embraced the fact that she is 30 and an adult. I’m guessing there was a team of people responsible for this…if so, they should win an award.

Rachel Weisz says it’s okay to drink while you’re pregnant. “Amen to that,” says Lindsay Lohan’s mom. [Cele|Bitchy]

If there is, in fact, a way to get America to a film version of Sweeney Todd, it’s probably Borat. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Shocker of shockers. Justin Timberlake is out and about, being a self-absorbed ass. [Girls Talkin' Smack, Pop on the Pop]

Oprah and her couch are not invited to the TomKat wedding. [Bossip]

If Paris and Nicole can be BFF again, perhaps there’s hope for Britney and Madonna? [The Bosh]

You should return that bulk purchase of lube to Costco, guys. There won’t be an Eva Longoria/Beyonce lesbo flick afterall. [Junkiness]

Michelle Trachtenberg and DJ AM? In my mind, this is the definitive answer to “Which B-list celebs do you care about the absolute least?” But apparently they’re also banging. [A Socialite's Life]

“Which singer had to deliver her child via Cesarean because of a raunchy STD her estranged husband gave her?”

Via Page Six today this item leads one to believe that not only did KFed leave B saddled with two kids but also a nasty case of the herps.

Stay away from boys from Fresno.