She may not have performed, but The Britney Spears Comeback officially started tonight, at the VMAs. Collecting all three of the awards for which she was nominated and appearing calm, poised, gracious and sober on-stage, it was the Britney we all used to know and love.

Some more thoughts as I was watching:

So I thought the bit at the beginning with Britney and Jonah Hill was actually really cute. Mostly because Jonah Hill is awesome, also because he called her “Brit-Brit,” and lastly because Britney was trying really hard, and that’s encouraging.

Then the show began, Britney spoke like three sentences — that was the entirety of her appearance as a performer, and she did all of it with the microphone hiding half her face from the camera — then these kick-ass dancers came out to do Rihanna’s “Disturbia,” and I was like, “This is gonna be fucking awesome.” And then Rihanna started singing and, IMHO, it was all pretty much a straight shot down from there.

And then Russell Brand comes out with his thick British accent and starts begging you to vote for Barack Obama (and the camera pans to Britney Spears, who’s clapping a little bit and glancing off in the distance as though she’s assumed Barack Obama is some dude up for best hip-hop video) and then starts ragging on President Bush, and, like, I’m all about ragging on President Bush, but not from you, Mr. British Man. It’s like how I’m always like “Dude, my little sister’s a pain in the ass,” and that’s cool, but if anyone else were like, “Dude, your little sister’s a pain in the ass,” I’d have to hit that person. It’s all a little inappropriate, IMHO. And then he decides to do a bit about Sarah Palin and her knocked-up daughter and her boyfriend and you know it’s all untested material from a comedian who’s not used to going live with untested material and it crashes pretty embarrassingly. I think, in general, Americans aren’t very comfortable with foreigners telling jokes at our expense. Sigh. This whole monologue is painful.

Britney wins the Best Female Video right off the bat and gets to the stage and gives a very short, sober, non-crazy acceptance speech, as though she hadn’t been chillin’ in psych wards since the last time we saw her. It’s all very matter-of-fact and humble. Britney’s actively trying to tone down the hype surrounding her right now. I think that’s exceptionally wise. Praise Jesus for Larry Rudolph.

Demi Moore comes in to introduce the Best Male Video award, and she was too busy off-stage asking people if that skirt made her legs look fat (answer: yes) to figure out how she was going to get a microphone. She spins around on stage awkwardly until a stagehand brings her one.

Taylor Swift introduces the Jonas Brothers, one of whom she’s dating, although I can’t remember which one. This looks like a segment out of Sesame Street right now. I take that back. Sesame Street would be more interesting, and I might even learn something other than exactly how tightly Nick Jonas can squint his eyes without them actually being closed. I like how there’s, like, Nick Jonas, Joe Jonas and Awkward Jonas.

I also read that Big Rob, that huge dude who used to bodyguard for Britney Spears, now works for the Jonas Brothers. In fact, I think he makes a cameo in their “Burnin’ Up” video. Loves it.

More thoughts after the jump:

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Okay, okay, so she doesn’t actually say that, but if the Daily Mail is to be believed, it’s pretty much the underlying message of Lynne Spears’ new tell-all about what a trainwreck Britney was growing up. The Mail claims they were leaked a copy of the book, Through The Storm: A Real Tale Of Fame And Family In A Tabloid World. Here’s some of what they have to say about its contents.

Lynne Spears claims Britney was drinking not long after joining joined Disney’s Mickey Mouse Club, a U.S. variety television show.

Mrs Spears also says her daughter lost her virginity aged 14 to an 18-year-old high school football player soon after she quit the programme.

A source has told how Britney was dating the football star while at school, and how her mother encouraged the relationship because she thought it would make her more popular.

The budding singer spent a lot of time at her boyfriend’s house and eventually lost her virginity there.

Her mother later admitted she regretted allowing her to date an older boy but still allowed her to share her bedroom with new boyfriend, Justin Timberlake.

Mrs Spears was said to be sure the teenagers were having sex.

She did not raise any objections because she thought Britney was in love and Justin was good for her.

The book also reveals that she knew Britney, then 15, was experimenting with drugs when she went to Los Angeles to record her breakthrough album ‘Baby One More Time’.

She thought she was going through the typical teenage problems, but they seemed to be more than that, when the singer was allegedly caught boarding a private plane aged 16, cocaine and marijuana was found in her bag.

Britney was caught by her mother drinking alcohol as young as 13 but she reportedly didn’t mind her children drinking as long as she was there.

She appeared to have little control over her daughter’s party lifestyle, and by the age of 16, Britney was frequenting bars in New Orleans with her brother Bryan, who is five years older than her.

Um, so, I’ll start by saying I don’t know if any of this is actually in the book. For starters, Lynne Spears hasn’t been “Mrs.” Spears since 2002, so that should give you some insight into how much research they’ve done over there at the Daily Mail.

But if it is true?

Why admit to all this stuff in print?

Is Lynne trying to take responsibility for the trainwreck of Britney’s life, or is she just that obsessed with making a buck off this stupid memoir?

For everyone’s sake, I kind of hope this shit is made up. It’s not going to do anyone, least of all Britney, any good to have this shit out there as she’s trying to get her life back together.

They’re giving her a second chance!

Britney Spears has confirmed that she will open the VMAs once again this year — although in what capacity, it’s not clear.

“MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs?” says Brit in a statement. “I’m excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.”

Okay, Britney. It’s been a year. A lot of shit’s gone down, but everyone still seems to be rooting for you. Don’t fuck this up.

It seems like EVERY celebrity is spending this weekend doing something in Las Vegas.

Britney hit up The Beatles LOVE live performance on Saturday night.

Wait, let me get this straight: Britney Spears is in Las Vegas and we’ve seen NO photos of her vagina??

Something truly has changed with this girl.

Look how prim and proper she looks!

Legs crossed and everything!

Watch it before it gets pulled, kids!!!

Sources are reporting that Britney Spears will do a duet with Justin Timberlake, and that it’ll appear on Britney’s new album, due at the end of the year. (Really? That’s soon!)

Um, I wonder how Jessica Biel feels about Britney and Justin spending all that studio time together?

Because, really, how freakin’ phenomenal would it be if Brit and Justin got back together? I don’t think anything could make me happier. And then if they got married and started adopting kids from Africa? Oh, oh, oh! I can’t think about this anymore, I get too worked up.

Britney’s on the cover of OK magazine this week, in a hot white bikini and running her mouth about her diet and exercise routine. And, yeah, there’s obviously a lot of exercise going on here, but my guess is there’s also a fair amount of liposuction involved. Anyway. In case you’re the kind of person who still feels it’s appropriate to take health tips from Britney Fucking Spears, here’s the diet story Britney’s sticking to:

“My diet has a lot to do with my getting into shape. I have no sugar. I don’t eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I’ll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch. I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it’s not much, but it’s actually a lot of food if you eat the right things.”

Britney didn’t say any of that. And if she’s not eating fruit or fruit juice, it’s because she doesn’t like it. I mean, she’s obviously doing a lot better than she was a year ago, but there’s a freakin’ team of people — many of them surgeons — involved in this overhaul. Believe it.

That’s what just ONE of the lawyers in Britney Spears’ custody battle cost.

$700 an hour!

And Stacy Phillips is claiming Britney hasn’t paid the $338,414.87 she’s owed for just a couple months of work. That number is after courtesy deductions and $75K she expects to receive next month. Britney’s camp is balking at the number, but Stacy says because she handled all the conservatorship stuff, her legal work was very complex and took up a lot of hours.

BUT $700 AN HOUR???! For a child custody case?

Jesus Christ, is she turning Sean and Jayden into solid gold? What the hell is ANYBODY doing for $700 an hour? That’s more than Tara Reid paid her plastic surgeon. Clearly I need to go to law school.