It seemed like Family Weekend here in LA with celebrities ditching the nannies for a couple of days and actually like, hanging out with their kids. Even over in Cambridge, MA, Tom and Suri were playing in a lake together (which looks so photo-oppy, sadly.) The pumpkin patch seemed like the place to be with appearances by Heidi Klum and Hendy, Larry Birkhead and mini Anna Nicole and Christina Aguilera and Max. Also notable is Nicole Richie and a scrumptious looking Harlow (I wanted to eat the buns off her head) and Brian Austin Green taking his son Kassius bowling. As if having Brian Austin Green for a dad wasn’t hard enough, the poor kid has to be named something more suitable for a gay porn star, too.

Hard to believe it’s that time of the month again, but like breaking open a new pack of Yaz, it’s time for March’s installment of Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox broke up.

I don’t really have the energy to come with a new and creative way to spoon this information out to you all, so can we just get this over with?  God, this feels like the goodbye sex you never want to have.  Like, where you’re totally over the dude but you feel obligated to give him the Sayonarascrew.

She moved out.  He’s devastated and crying.  They’ll be back together before this moon phase is over.  The end.

Remember a few months ago when Beet called a moratorium on all Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag items?  It has been a happier place around here since then, hasn’t it?  Well now these two fuckwits, Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox, may be the next on her list.

After numerous break up announcements, they’re back on.  Back on and actually never split up to begin with-just hit a “rough patch,” that they are working through in counseling.  Oh, these tortured souls.  Beauty, millions, and youth.  There’s not a therapist in the land that can help that couple work through landmines such as those.

Personally, I wish these two would just get on with the business of having a real break up so that Megan can start fucking David Spade.

Is anyone else tired of hearing this story every two months?

I really hope it’s true this time. If nothing else, so that I don’t have to write it once again two months from now.

Megan Fox and BAG have reportedly broken up and called off their engagement.

“The relationship had run its course,” says an insider. “It’s completely amicable, and they are remaining friends.”

Whatever. I don’t have complete faith in this story until I hear it from one of them or one of their reps. Like I said, we hear this story every couple of months. I mean, the rest of the world knows that this relationship’ll never work, but Brian and Megan have been taking their sweet time in figuring that out.

“He doesn’t wanna be here. He doesn’t want to be my date. He’s a man, he has an ego.”

Total hottie Megan Fox, when asked about fiance Brian Austin Green failing to accompany her to the Golden Globes.

This relationship is SO DOOMED and it has been FOREVER. Listen up, Brian, you’ve got absolutely no business with a girl like Megan in the first place, but if you want to hang on to this miraculous thing you’ve got going here, you oughtta worship the ground that girl and her ridiculous tattoos walk on!

How David Silver is banging, like, the hottest chick in Hollywood is a total mystery to me.

And how he’s complaining about it is an even bigger mystery.

He began comparing Megan to the girl that he had been going out with before her who he’d broken up with for Fox, saying that Fox is behaving just like her. Apparently, the 21-year-old Transformer star is extremely set in her ways. The entire relationship was based on her terms, beginning with a “white board,” upon which the pair would document the amount of time allotted to their relationship, family, and work. Green strove to maintain a fifty percent balance between time spent each other, and time spent apart. Fox, however, would sneak behind his back and erase planned dates with Green in order to have more time away from him. In fact, she would regularly cancel plans at the last moment, often by text. Throughout their turbulent relationship, Fox would threaten to get her lawyer involved in their disputes, while Green expressed his shock to his friend as he has never had a personal attorney in his “entire” life. He complained animatedly about how “unfair” their relationship was.

He must have landed her before she was all famous and shit.

Now it’s time for her to date Tony Romo.