We’re getting a lot of search hits for “Brandon Davis dead,” because apparently there are rumors flying around that he died in Miami last night. Tragically, he did not.

Brandon Davis and Scott Storch in the same photo.

Too much for me to handle. These trashy wanna be’s are in Miami. I guess Miami is where you go when clubs in LA stop letting you in. Really this picture made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

I guess they have stuff to talk about. Like how they both tried to bone Lindsay Lohan and how she turned them both down. Brandon because he was too greasy and Scott because even though he bought her a bunch of ice he still strikes you as that dorky kid from Freshman year with ill fitting pants and a rolley backpack.

It sure is a slow news week. At times like this, I feel it’s my duty to sift out all the slow-news-week stories that are utterly unsubstantiated and/or inconsequential for you guys, and, as such, I won’t be bringing you updates on the Winona Ryder suicide that never happened, the new baby that Tom and Katie aren’t having, the Anna Nicole autopsy results that no one will report, or the pregnancy that Giselle Bunchen will never carry to term, because it’s hard to do that when you’re not pregnant.

Instead, I bring you what is easily the most confirmable story we’ve seen in days and days: Brandon Davis is a total asshole. Remember when Brandon was being his typical douchebag self at Paris Hilton’s birthday party a couple weeks back? Paula Abdul was there, and he was making fun of her heritage (”He kept on saying her last name over and over again, and then would insert his made-up version of an Arabic language,” reported a witness). Well, it turns out Brandon hails from a similar region of the world: his real last name is Zarif, and his father is a Turkish-American wine importer. Brandon uses his mother’s maiden last name — which is associated with his late grandfather, billionaire Marvin Davis — and, man, in retrospect, I’m sure that family wishes he’d stuck with Zarif.

• Is Ivanka Trump dating Lance Armstong? Probably not, but there’s video of her refusing to answer questions about him, which is kind of like dating, right?
• Were you totally psyched for the remake of Revenge of the Nerds? Don’t be. They cast Kristin Cavallari in it. Bitch ruins everything.
• Britney Spears wants Annie Leibovitz to handle the publicity photos of her latest emotional crutch, Sutton Pierce.
• People who can’t get into Hyde this week: Brandon Davis, Chyna, you.
• ScoJo totally had a nose job.
• It’s official. The Tori Spelling demon spawn is en route. Quick! To the storm shelters!
• Shocker of shockers! Mel Gibson’s post-arrest anti-Semitic comments were not an isolated incident.
• 90210’s Jennie Garth pops out another adorable kid.

• Kari Ann Peniche(’s publicist) finally breaks her day-long silence about the abrupt and predictable end to her week-long engagement to Aaron Carter.

• Brandon Davis gets in his second fight this week. I think he and Jason Wahler have an agreement to alternate days.

• Would you like to see a (tragically, censored) video of Steve-O urinating on his own red carpet? You’re in luck!

• Paris Hilton is formally charged with that DUI she picked up earlier this month. The maximum sentence is six months in jail, so keep your fingers crossed.

• The new Killers album is available for streaming on The Leak.

• NBC has complete episodes of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Heroes available on its website. Not to be outdone, ABC has most of its primetime lineup available online, too. See, folks? Desperate Housewives may not be funny anymore, but boy oh boy is it ever accessible!