Ick!!!

Super-hottie model Miranda Kerr has reportedly broken up with boyfriend Orlando Bloom — and landed back in the arms of her ex, greasy, alcoholic billionaire Brandon Davis.

Brandon and Miranda were spotted sucking face all over the NYC club scene earlier this week.

Who would want to kiss Brandon Davis? I’d honestly be worried about horrible acne break-outs with my skin in such close proximity to all his grease. It seems like quite a risk to take for someone who makes her living based on her looks! I hope she’s using her ProActiv at night!

This photo was taken of Orlando and Miranda going on vacation together in late June — so something must have happened recently to disturb their romance. Wonder what it was.

Welcome home, Paris! Now go away.

Just back from a whirlwind international trip, Paris wasted no time in hitting up the clubs.

Jet lag, anyone?

Par-Par swung by Villa Lounge last night with Brandon Davis and Kim Stewart.

You know, Gatecrasher ran this as a blind item, and I was going to do the same, but you know what? Fuck that. There’s nothing blind about this.

Which oily celebrity hanger-on, who has been through rehab, is telling friends he’s found a new way to pace himself when he’s doing drugs? The bicoastal bum says for every line of coke he snorts he smokes 10 cigarettes.

What. A. Genius.

This is an infallible plan.

You sure are going places, Brandon. Going places like rehab.

Brandon Davis is so gross.

EVEN professional hairstylists won’t touch Brandon Davis’ hair. When “Greasy Bear” paid a visit late Saturday to the Frederic Fekkai Salon for a trim, stylists were so appalled by his oily grunginess they donned rubber gloves. “Even the shampoo person wore gloves,” said a source. “He [Davis] was really out of it, sweating profusely. His eyes were half shut and he was asking for carrot juice, even after they told him they only had orange juice.”

Ew.

Alas, another one of my boyfriends has gone over to the dark side.

Paris Hilton’s flavor du jour is obviously Adrien Grenier.

He picked her up from her house last night and took her to some art show, where Brandon Davis was also present. (First: Awwwwkward. Second: What the fuck was Brandon Davis doing at an art show? In sunglasses? Hopefully they provided him with a coloring book to keep him entertained.)

Adrien, how could you do this to me? I truly thought you were better than that. Paris Hilton’s wicked spell must be very, very powerful.

Photo credit: Buzz Foto

We’re getting a lot of search hits for “Brandon Davis dead,” because apparently there are rumors flying around that he died in Miami last night. Tragically, he did not.

Brandon Davis and Scott Storch in the same photo.

Too much for me to handle. These trashy wanna be’s are in Miami. I guess Miami is where you go when clubs in LA stop letting you in. Really this picture made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

I guess they have stuff to talk about. Like how they both tried to bone Lindsay Lohan and how she turned them both down. Brandon because he was too greasy and Scott because even though he bought her a bunch of ice he still strikes you as that dorky kid from Freshman year with ill fitting pants and a rolley backpack.

It sure is a slow news week. At times like this, I feel it’s my duty to sift out all the slow-news-week stories that are utterly unsubstantiated and/or inconsequential for you guys, and, as such, I won’t be bringing you updates on the Winona Ryder suicide that never happened, the new baby that Tom and Katie aren’t having, the Anna Nicole autopsy results that no one will report, or the pregnancy that Giselle Bunchen will never carry to term, because it’s hard to do that when you’re not pregnant.

Instead, I bring you what is easily the most confirmable story we’ve seen in days and days: Brandon Davis is a total asshole. Remember when Brandon was being his typical douchebag self at Paris Hilton’s birthday party a couple weeks back? Paula Abdul was there, and he was making fun of her heritage (”He kept on saying her last name over and over again, and then would insert his made-up version of an Arabic language,” reported a witness). Well, it turns out Brandon hails from a similar region of the world: his real last name is Zarif, and his father is a Turkish-American wine importer. Brandon uses his mother’s maiden last name — which is associated with his late grandfather, billionaire Marvin Davis — and, man, in retrospect, I’m sure that family wishes he’d stuck with Zarif.