Doing press for his World War II movie Inglourious Basterds, Brad Pitt granted an interview to the German magazine BILD.  He spoke about his personal philosophies regarding a higher power and deftly side-stepped questions about his sex life.

BILD:  Do you believe in God?
Brad Pitt (smiling):  No, no, no!

 

BILD: Is your soul spiritual?

Brad Pitt:  No, no, no! I’m probably 20 per cent atheist and 80 per cent agnostic. I don’t think anyone really knows. You’ll either find out or not when you get there, until then there’s no point thinking about it.

 

BILD: Angelina told me once about your giant bed where all eight of you snuggle up?

 

Brad Pitt: Yes we have a 3 metre wide bed, but even that isn’t big enough. They all come crawling in in the morning. It’s just about surviving! We all have sleep deprivation.

BILD: Do you find the time to make love?

Brad Pitt (looks puzzled): What?

BILD: Is it sometimes just the two of you?

Brad Pitt: Yes we make time for ourselves. It’s very important for every relationship.

 

See?  This is why I cannot understand Brangelina.  Angelina Jolie is trying to save the world, one orphan and one beige dress and one condescending smile at a time.  Brad Pitt, on the other hand, is like, “Yeah, a little lower.  To the left.”  Where is the compatibility?

And in case you’re wondering, yes, those are the flames of hell in the background of this picture.

It’s hard to believe that a full year has gone by since the Brangelina twins were born. Or does it seem like it’s been way more than a year? I don’t know. I change my mind every thirty seconds. But Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon turned one today, and I’m pleased to see that we’ll still worshiping non-Jolie-Pitt deities. It’s just a matter of time, though, before these children grow up and become a religion. A beautiful, pouty-lipped religion.

Out of respect for their generous donation, I declined to use the term “Brangelina” in my headline. You’re welcome, Jolie-Pitts. That’s what a million bucks buys you in this economy.

The patrons saints of everything shelled out the $1M to the U.N. to help survivors of the violence in Pakistan. Over 2 million Pakistanis have been driven from their homes this year by fighting between government troops and Taliban militants in the northwest of the country.

Angelina was also present at the World Refugee Day ceremonies in DC today. She spoke at the event, getting choked up herself. She said of the refugees: “Most of all they are survivors … They are the most impressive people I have ever met.”

Missing from the ceremonies was Hillary Clinton, who fractured her elbow when she fell on her way to the White House, and scheduled host Anderson Cooper, who apparently couldn’t get a flight out. Ann Curry filled in.

I make it a policy to only report every tenth “Brad and Angelina Are Over!” story that gets floated out to the internet and today is that day.

As the Enquirer reports it in their Breaking News section, Brangie’s appearance at Cannes was staged for the media in hopes that no one would know that the truth:  they are ovah! 

After months of behind-the-scenes battles, it’s finally over between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Hollywood’s most glamorous power couple – who never married despite having six children – have grown tired of trying to gloss over their problems following five tumultuous years together, say sources.

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.

“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.

“It’s an official split.”

Listen, this is all crap.  I just report these stories as a trial run for the real deal.  Of course, when the inevitable break-up actually does happen, it’s not like any of us will believe it. 

To recap:  Brangie aren’t pregnant, adopting, broken up or interesting.

Brad and Angelina showed up arm and arm on the Cannes red carpet at the Inglourious Basterds premiere.  Brad looked appropriately doting and Angelina looked like she finally reached an appropriate body weight.  She wore a dress that wasn’t black and though she still hasn’t ventured out of the neutrals, it was cut to her nether regions which certainly helped her cause.

All in all, they look très glam if not overjoyed to be with one another.

Brad Pitt is in Cannes promoting his new film Inglorious Basterds.  I think it’s clear that he probably walks into parties like he’s walking onto a yacht.  I suspect we’ve found our modern-day Warren Beatty.

Angelina Jolie has finally joined him in Cannes.  They’ve been appearing around town and putting all those break-up rumors to rest — for this week.

It’s Tuesday, it’s sunny outside and I’m feeling productive.  So in the spirit of efficiency, I’m just going to get started on these newest stories about trouble in Brangelinadise.  Today’s tale?  The couple haven’t been photographed together in twenty-one days and Brad’s a drunk.

Daily Mail, the people who truly can fashion a feature story out of the tiniest shred of information, tells the story of Angelina’s dismay about Brad’s drinking and slovenly ways.  The summary:  Angelina came home from a long day of filming her movie, Salt.  She was upset to discover Brad passed out in bed.  He drank beer and watched movies all day, while the kids were on a separate floor of the house, giving the nannies hell.  Jolie reportedly went all sorts of nuts shaking Brad, trying to wake him up.

Listen, I seriously wonder if Daily Mail writers don’t just sit around munching on scones, make up a bunch of shit, and call it a staff meeting.  It’s so obvious that this never happened.  I mean, Angelina having enough strength, energy or body weight to shake someone?  Madness, I say!