I guess there comes a time in a celebrity’s life when he or she just has enough money.  Brad Pitt — and unrelated, but can we just take a moment to analyze Brangie’s body language in a photo taken last week? — obviously has reached that stage since he forfeited $5M to trick or treat with his kids on Halloween.

Pitt was offered five million bucks to appear at the Grand Prix Ball Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates on October 31st and turned it down.  Well, according to the event’s organizer, Pitt actually accepted the offer but then ended up being a no show. “We were told he would be attending as the guest of the Tourism Development & Investment Company.  But he was a no-show, and nobody seemed to know why.”

Beyonce, Timbaland and Aerosmith are not yet rich enough — they all appeared and performed.

A publicist from Women’s Wear Daily sent me a very serious and earnest email today alerting me to the new Asprey jewelry collection with pieces that are designed by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.  All the pieces, including a baby spoon that costs $525, have a snake motif.

And I’m sitting here in my living room looking at the pictures of this hellacious, hideous collection and all I can think is this:  ”The people at Asprey – one of the most world-renowned purveyors of fine jewelry – really thought it would be a good idea for the two most infamous cheaters to hook up on a movie set and ditch their spouses since Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton (ironically, against the backdrop of Cleopatra … asp anyone?), to design a line of jewelry centered around snakes?  Snakes?  Snakes.

Brad Pitt decided to take his custom chopper out for a spin in Beverly Hills today. Of course, the paparazzi swarmed him and just like incidents with Nicole Richie and Britney Spears, they caused him to get in an accident. Brad attempted to swerve between them at a red light in order to pull ahead when the light turned green, and while swerving he fell off his bike. At first he appeared to be just fine, getting back on the bike and continuing to ride, but he wound up pulling over at a near by apartment complex and called someone to come pick him up. He left his new bike behind at the scene.

Quentin Tarantino was on Howard Stern’s show yesterday to talk about his movie, Inglourious Basterds.  He shared entirely too much information about the movie’s star, Brad Pitt.  To recap:  Pitt admits to being a former pot smoker, but claimed to have given it up once he became a dad.  Yeah, he lied — kinda like when he told Wife #1 that he was “just friends” with Angelina Jolie.  I totally believe Tarantino’s version of this story even though I’m not a huge QT fan — well, not since his non-speaking part as an Elvis impersonator during Season 4 of The Golden Girls.  Here’s a transcript of part of his conversation with Howard which, incidentally, this is a great site if you want to see what transpired on Stern’s show and you don’t have satellite radio:

Howard asked if Angelina had come home while he was visiting with Brad. He said that she was in the hospital at the time having twins. Howard asked if they have help there at their house because Brad and Angelina claim they don’t. Quentin said they do have friends that help them out.

Quentin said he was at Brad and Agelina’s until about 3 in the morning. Howard asked if he ever worried that he was annoying them by staying so late. Quentin said that he had flown all the way to France to visit them so he didn’t think that would come up.

Quentin said that things eventually ended and he went to his hotel. He said that Brad had this big brick of hash and he was going to give him some for the night. He said that Brad whipped out a knife and cut up a big sliver for him and the stuff was pretty good. He said that he asked for a pipe to go with it and Brad handed him a Coke can to use instead. Quentin said that would make for a great scene in a movie and he may have to use that.

Quentin said that he doesn’t get paranoid when he smokes hash. He said that he does with pot though. Howard said he would get paranoid if he smoked that stuff and he’d have to run out of the room if he did. Quentin said that people can bond by doing stuff like that and he really doesn’t get paranoid smoking hash. Howard wondered why that is because he gets paranoid on either one.

So, you know, whatever, Brad Pitt’s a pot head who likes to keep a brick of hash hanging around the house.  I always thought he was a stoner when he was with Jen, so this isn’t a huge revelation, but I’m sure Brad is just so appreciative that Tarantino is sharing the deets of how they sparked one up.  

More importantly, what will happen when Angie finds out?

Brad Pitt certainly was dressed appropriately for the Time Traveler’s Wife premiere in New York on Wednesday — he looks like he just stepped off the porch of a plantation-era mansion. In typical Brad style, though, he looks remarkably sexy doing it. The thought of what that beard would do to my chin makes me cringe, but I’d still totally have a make-out sesh with him (I always try to look at it as free micro-derm).

Also very sexy: Rachel McAdams, wearing a dress with a neckline that’s practically a waistline. She pulls it off with panache!

Brad Pitt and Angelina appeared in love and very much together last night, at yet another premier of Inglourious Basterds.  I’ll be so happy when this movie fades into obscurity so I can stop having to concentrate so hard on spelling the title correctly.

Anyway, Angelina was there wearing a non-color (shocker) and I was amused to see that a majority of the red carpet photos are of Angelina posing alone with Brad cast over to the side.  His movie.  His premiere.  Her moment to shine.

“I have love in my life, a soul mate–absolutely. When someone asked me why Angie and I don’t get married, I replied, ‘Maybe we’ll get married when it’s legal for everyone else.’ I stand by that, although I took a lot of flak for saying it–hate mail from religious groups. I believe everyone should have the same rights. They say gay marriage ruins families and hurts kids. Well, I’ve had the privilege of seeing my gay friends being parents and watching their kids grow up in a loving environment. … Man, I resent people telling others how to live! It drives me mental! Just the other night, I heard this TV reverend say that Angie and I were setting a bad example because we were living out of wedlock, and people should not be duped by us! It made me laugh. What damn right does anyone have to tell someone else how to live if they’re not hurting anyone? How many times do you think real love comes to someone in a lifetime? If you’re lucky, maybe two or three.”

Brad Pitt, in a new interview with Parade, reminding me why I love him even though he’s kind of getting old now.

Doing press for his World War II movie Inglourious Basterds, Brad Pitt granted an interview to the German magazine BILD.  He spoke about his personal philosophies regarding a higher power and deftly side-stepped questions about his sex life.

BILD:  Do you believe in God?
Brad Pitt (smiling):  No, no, no!

 

BILD: Is your soul spiritual?

Brad Pitt:  No, no, no! I’m probably 20 per cent atheist and 80 per cent agnostic. I don’t think anyone really knows. You’ll either find out or not when you get there, until then there’s no point thinking about it.

 

BILD: Angelina told me once about your giant bed where all eight of you snuggle up?

 

Brad Pitt: Yes we have a 3 metre wide bed, but even that isn’t big enough. They all come crawling in in the morning. It’s just about surviving! We all have sleep deprivation.

BILD: Do you find the time to make love?

Brad Pitt (looks puzzled): What?

BILD: Is it sometimes just the two of you?

Brad Pitt: Yes we make time for ourselves. It’s very important for every relationship.

 

See?  This is why I cannot understand Brangelina.  Angelina Jolie is trying to save the world, one orphan and one beige dress and one condescending smile at a time.  Brad Pitt, on the other hand, is like, “Yeah, a little lower.  To the left.”  Where is the compatibility?

And in case you’re wondering, yes, those are the flames of hell in the background of this picture.

It’s hard to believe that a full year has gone by since the Brangelina twins were born. Or does it seem like it’s been way more than a year? I don’t know. I change my mind every thirty seconds. But Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon turned one today, and I’m pleased to see that we’ll still worshiping non-Jolie-Pitt deities. It’s just a matter of time, though, before these children grow up and become a religion. A beautiful, pouty-lipped religion.

Out of respect for their generous donation, I declined to use the term “Brangelina” in my headline. You’re welcome, Jolie-Pitts. That’s what a million bucks buys you in this economy.

The patrons saints of everything shelled out the $1M to the U.N. to help survivors of the violence in Pakistan. Over 2 million Pakistanis have been driven from their homes this year by fighting between government troops and Taliban militants in the northwest of the country.

Angelina was also present at the World Refugee Day ceremonies in DC today. She spoke at the event, getting choked up herself. She said of the refugees: “Most of all they are survivors … They are the most impressive people I have ever met.”

Missing from the ceremonies was Hillary Clinton, who fractured her elbow when she fell on her way to the White House, and scheduled host Anderson Cooper, who apparently couldn’t get a flight out. Ann Curry filled in.

I make it a policy to only report every tenth “Brad and Angelina Are Over!” story that gets floated out to the internet and today is that day.

As the Enquirer reports it in their Breaking News section, Brangie’s appearance at Cannes was staged for the media in hopes that no one would know that the truth:  they are ovah! 

After months of behind-the-scenes battles, it’s finally over between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Hollywood’s most glamorous power couple – who never married despite having six children – have grown tired of trying to gloss over their problems following five tumultuous years together, say sources.

Brad and Angelina are going their separate ways with the hope of reuniting in the future if they can repair their volatile relationship, disclosed an insider.

“They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family.

“It’s an official split.”

Listen, this is all crap.  I just report these stories as a trial run for the real deal.  Of course, when the inevitable break-up actually does happen, it’s not like any of us will believe it. 

To recap:  Brangie aren’t pregnant, adopting, broken up or interesting.

Brad and Angelina showed up arm and arm on the Cannes red carpet at the Inglourious Basterds premiere.  Brad looked appropriately doting and Angelina looked like she finally reached an appropriate body weight.  She wore a dress that wasn’t black and though she still hasn’t ventured out of the neutrals, it was cut to her nether regions which certainly helped her cause.

All in all, they look très glam if not overjoyed to be with one another.