Beverly Hills police yesterday released more details on Prison Break star Lane Garrison’s car wreck in December, which killed a 17-year-old boy. To the surprise of absolutely no one, Garrison’s blood alcohol content was at least .16%, and he’d also been doing lines of cocaine before he got behind the wheel. He’ll be charged with DUI, and likely with felony DUI. The police also recommended that Garrison be charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

I’ll tell ya, this guy is Brandy’s best friend right now. Nothing distracts from your totally sober, momentarily distracted, life-claiming wreck on the 405 like a coke-snortin’, Grey-Goose-shootin’, underage-girl-totin’ life-claiming wreck in Beverly Hills. She should write him a thank-you note when he’s in jail.

Alright, alright. The new guy over at MollyGood earned his stripes today with this headline on Isaiah Washington’s return from Gayhab. I don’t know who you used to be, Cord, but you’re one of us now. And, just for kicks, I tracked down the headline that made me fall in love with Molly in the first place.

I’ll start posting gossip at some point today, guys, I promise. Having trouble focusing. Not sure why. Well, maybe I have some idea.

In the meantime, rewatch the clips from the Sarah Silverman Program and GET FUCKING PUMPED!!!

Once again we’re treated to Hollywood’s annual masturbatory awards ceremony — the Screen Actors Guild awards, where winners are chosen by the human beings on this planet who exhibit the greatest amount of taste and professional wisdom each and every year: actors.

In the winners circle, here are some of the highlights:

Helen Mirren won Best Actress in a TV Movie or miniseries for Elizabeth I and Best Female Actor for The Queen. Jennifer Hudson scored Best Supporting Actress.

America Ferrerra (Ugly Betty) won for Best Female Actress in a Comedy Series, and Alec Baldwin took home the well-deserved male equivalent for his role on 30 Rock. The Office won for Best Ensemble Cast in this category. Mindy Kaling’s nipple, as best I’ve heard, did not emerge from her dress this time.

Eddie Murphy took home Best Supporting Actor for Dreamgirls. Chandra Wilson finally got that Best Female Actress in a drama series for Grey’s Anatomy (Grey’s also took home Best Ensemble cast for drama, and no word yet on whether Isaiah called anyone a faggot in the process), and Hugh Laurie won for House.

Topping off the evening, Little Miss Sunshine took out enough ads in the Hollywood Reporter to earn themselves Best Cast of a Motion Picture.

FabSugar has the WireImage subscription for all the pics I refuse to pay for.

MollyGood has posted one of the best videos I’ve seen in a while. From ParisExposed.Com, the website that just won’t go away, you get not only the “dude covered in blow” actually talking but also Paris being absolutely blitzed out of her mind and Joe Francis showing off her goodies to the camera.

My favorite part has to be when the “dude covered in blow” has to vacuum the excess cocaine off himself with a Dirt Devil because doing a kilo of cocaine in one sitting would lead to such not “hot” things as death. His girlfriend seems a bit peeved at him wasting all of their good drugs to which he replies “it is ok, I’ll buy you a watch.”

From this video we learn a few things. Paris loves being retarded in front of video cameras. Joe Francis is more of a perv than we thought before. Paris loves her drugs. Watching all 20 glorious minutes of this video is totally worth it. It gets slow at times yet really after watching this Tara Ried looks like a Mormon.

This sounds like the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard of. Some kids at a college in Texas decided that it would be cool to get a bunch of KFC, some 40s, a chick dressed as Aunt Jemima, and wear some “gang clothes” to celebrate Martin Luther King Day.

They stupidly put the photos up on Facebook and they obviously ended up on The Smoking Gun.

Bad idea kids. This day and age you need to be just a little politically correct. Also, what have we learned from famous people like Paris Hilton…when you do something stupid don’t put it on your MySpace or Facebook page.

Wanna see more pictures of the party. Click Here.

So I’m being a generally pathetic human being today, ingesting the sweet, sweet liquor of E!’s High Maintenance 90210, when I recognize one of the high-profile clients. I just can’t place how. Her name is Allison Pearson. I watch her. I know her. I recognize the obnoxious face, the inane laughter, the vapid expressions. Did I go to high school with her? Hm. No. Did we date the same guy? Seems likely. But no. Did I throw a drink at her at a bar? Wishful thinking. How do I know this girl?

I Google her, and the geniuses at Pop Culture Whore come to my rescue. She’s that nauseating girl from True Life: I’m Getting Plastic Surgery, which aired on MTV six years ago. Allison was nineteen back then, and whoring around with her BFF Rachael, alternating their waking hours between laying in tanning beds and getting plastic surgery. Her goal in life was to be in Playboy, or at least to get into parties at the Playboy Mansion. I laughed at her them, and hoped that within a year she’d be back home in Ohio or wherever, her spirit irreparably broken.

So what the fuck? Now this bitch is married to some successful music producer and spending $20K on necklaces? These things are not supposed to happen to bad people like her! She contributes absolutely zero value to this world. You know what? Let me amend that. She contributes negative value to society. She can’t even organize her own closet. She spends all day drinking with her personal assistant. So not only is she failing to contribute to our planet, she is sucking any potential value-added behavior from another human being. I’ll admit that terrorism is to be frowned upon, but Allison Pearson is what’s wrong with the world.

In happier news, she’s totally put on ten or fifteen pounds since the MTV taping, and she looks a little big around the hips. Yeeeee!