I have to say I loved Jay-Z a few years back. Before Beyonce, when he was sampling musicals I thought he was at least a litte bit of what the kids call “dope.”

Sadly he’s now very annoying. You can’t shake a stick without hearing him talk about coming out of retirement. If you’re going to retire when you’re in your twenties you better damn well wait a decade to “come back.” And why the hell would a rapper even bother retiring anyway? Just stop putting out albums man, we’ll get it. It’s not like your knees are shot or you need medicare you jerk off.

Even better, he was on Monday Night Football this past week. Wait for the relevance to come to you. Oh wait, there is none. None whatsoever. He’s from Brooklyn so they tried to tread water with the “So, ah, how about them Giants” line but as it turns out he’s a Cowboys fan. I mean gimme a break over here.

Slate.com did me one better though calling the new album his worst ever. He’s been sliding downhill for quite some time, and honestly if I was knocking boots with Beyonce I’d mail in my “art” too.

(Spiteful Lars slams mike down, once again winning the rap-battle)

Rachel Weisz says it’s okay to drink while you’re pregnant. “Amen to that,” says Lindsay Lohan’s mom. [Cele|Bitchy]

If there is, in fact, a way to get America to a film version of Sweeney Todd, it’s probably Borat. [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Shocker of shockers. Justin Timberlake is out and about, being a self-absorbed ass. [Girls Talkin' Smack, Pop on the Pop]

Oprah and her couch are not invited to the TomKat wedding. [Bossip]

If Paris and Nicole can be BFF again, perhaps there’s hope for Britney and Madonna? [The Bosh]

You should return that bulk purchase of lube to Costco, guys. There won’t be an Eva Longoria/Beyonce lesbo flick afterall. [Junkiness]

Michelle Trachtenberg and DJ AM? In my mind, this is the definitive answer to “Which B-list celebs do you care about the absolute least?” But apparently they’re also banging. [A Socialite's Life]

Tobey Maguire and girlfriend, Irrelevant McNotfamous, welcome a baby girl. [Hollyscoop]

Joley Richardson quits Nip/Tuck. She’s hoping to be cast in a show with more plausible plotlines, possibly something involving giant, mutant, hermaphoditic aphids who eat Koreans and occasionally find themselves in awkward love triangles including the wife of their college roommate. [HGW]

Beyonce and Eva Longoria will be getting all lesbo on the big screen. Where will you be, Paul Reuebens? [Bossip]

Someone asked me the other day how Kate Moss is still so employable, even after the whole cocaine scandal. This is a link to a black-and-white video of Kate Moss, wearing lingerie and saying quiet, mysterious things. More of you will click on this link than any other in this group, probably by a factor of three. And that, my friends, is how Kate Moss is still so employable, even after the whole cocaine scandal. [Agent Bedhead]

In a shocking twist to the Kevin Federline saga, he demands Grey Goose in his dressing room. Check out the rest of the hospitality rider. [CelebSlam]

If Brad Pitt smokes, it must be cool. [Teddy and Moo]

Actor Jack Palance dies. [Hollyweird Gazette]

• Eva Longoria and Tony Parker split, Amanda Peet makes that baby legit.
• Jessica Simpson has reached that really unattractive point of depression-induced apathy. It’s a beautiful thing to behold.
• Drunk much, Beyonce?
• Pamela Anderson’s nipple has Hep C.

Here’s that “Ring the Alarm” performance I was talking about. God bless YouTube.

It’s kind of hard to see for the first 45 seconds or so, then it clears up.

• I haven’t posted about Donald Faison and Cacee Cobb in at least two days. So you’ll all be relieved to know that they showed up together to TV Guide’s Post-Emmy bash at Social Hollywood. I think it’s time to stop speculating and start coping. They’re a couple.
• Gwen Stefani is boycotting the VMAs because she tries really hard to sing good and dance sexy but she just really feels like they’re being nicer to Kelly Clarkson and sometimes she feels picked on like they just really don’t care if they hurt her feelings and it’s just not faaaaiiiir.
• Yes, okay, here’s the Beyonce nip slip. Are you happy? Now leave me to wallow in the sad, Beyonce-nip-slip-posting life I’ve created for myself. I wanted to write literary fiction once, you know.

• La Lohan’s pop would like the opportunity to expound on his prison art.
• Recently divorced Hilary Swank is dating her not-quite-yet-divorced agent at CAA. Will she never get involved with someone famous?
• JT and Cameron in splitsville? Perez Hilton thinks mayhaps.
• I am not writing about or linking to anything regarding Suri Cruise’s fecal matter, be it bronzed or otherwise. I’m just not. Sorry to disappoint.