After all her nonsense talk about how she was going to go to Africa and help the starving orphans, Paris Hilton will finally be boarding a plane to the far-off continent.

But not to help the orphans.

She’s going on tour with Good Charlotte, starting in South Africa.

Says Benji: “I’d do anything she wanted. I’m a really easy guy to read. Everyone can tell I’m really happy. She’s the most supportive [girlfriend], even as a friend, so supportive of everything I’m doing. And I try to be the same way for her.”

Yeah, dude, you’re pussy-whipped, just like all of Paris’s guys. Paris won’t make it through the whole tour. “I’m just happy to be together, so no matter where we are, we’ll have a great time,” she says, but I guarantee that after a week or so on a tour bus that bitch is gonna catch the first flight back to LA.

Maybe she’ll manage to throw a piece of bread to a starving child while she’s there or something.

Paris did a little press conference tonight for her new reality show, My New BFF, where I guess she’ll be on the hunt for young women who want to be her friend because they care about who she really is deep down inside, and obviously the best pool from which to choose such a person is the group of girls who volunteer to be on her ridiculous reality TV show. If Paris wants a friend who cares about who she really is, she needs to, like, go to Antarctica and befriend a penguin. Because no one else on earth is going to see her as anything but Paris Hilton Incorporated.

And speaking of people who know Paris deep down inside, she’s still tugging around little Benji Madden, and sporting that dumbass ring with his initials on it.

This is a stupid Paris Hilton romance. I like it better when she plucks super-hot nobodies out of obscurity and we can all just marvel at their toolishness and hotness for awhile, until she dumps them. Speaking of which, whatever happened to that Pizza Boy? Isn’t it about time he sells a tell-all? And then reports directly to my bedroom? I think yes.

Paris and Benji hit up LA Fashion Week events after spending the day together at a spa in WeHo.

Seriously?

He looks like a Blues Brother.

You know Paris is not having sex with him. I’m sorry, call her a slut all you want, I guaran-fucking-tee you this chick does not go home at the end of the night and spread her legs for this dude. It just doesn’t happen.

“Let me make this as plain as possible – Benji did not leave me for Paris Hilton. Benji and I did not break up badly or anything like that. We both decided, as adults, our relationship had run its course and decided to move on. I feel no animosity towards Benji and Paris at all and am very happy with life at the moment.”

Sophie Monk, to Australia’s Herald Sun.

I give this girl mad props for not pulling a Shanna Moakler and being all like “Paris Hilton needs to take her Valtrex.” You’re a classy broad, Sophie.

Okay you know in that Tori Amos song Cornflake Girl where she’s all like “This is not really, this, this, this is not really happeniiiiiing. You bet your life it is!”

Okay every time I see a picture of Paris Hilton and new flame Benji Madden, that little verse goes through my head.

She is such an evil little bitch. (And my soon-to-be new best friend.)

First: Benji broke up with longtime girlfriend Sophie Monk, like, three minutes ago.

Secondly: Benji’s brother, Joel, just had a baby with her frenemy Nicole Richie.

So Paris puts two and two together and thinks: Publicity. Lots more publicity than she’s getting with Simon Rex.

Yeah, that door better be handicapped accessible, Paris. Mentally handicapped accessible.