Because if you look closely, you’ll see that the position of the light and the angle of her face align in just such a way that she appears to have a witch’s nose.

Heh.

At The Bank Nightclub in the Bellagio in Vegas.

Oh, wait.

My boss is telling me that’s her boyfriend.

Weird.

Also make sure to check out their necklaces.

Everybody’s in love!

Everybody but me.

So I ran a bunch of errands this afternoon, hitting up Home Depot and Safeway, and I pulled into my apartment complex’s garage and headed to the door loaded down with bags. As I’m getting up to the door, this guy parks right behind me in a super-sweet black BMW SUV. I’m hobbling to the door and I hear him be all like, “Here, let me get that for you!” And he opens the door and pushes the elevator button, and we stand there and chat for a long while, because the elevator in my apartment complex takes longer to come than Ryan Seacrest with a woman. And he’s super-hot, and he’s sweet and articulate and funny, and he’s definitely flirting, and he’s dressed in a fancy suit, which I love on a man, and I’ve pretty much decided I’m going to marry him and we’re going to have babies, and I’m naming our children in my head when I realize he’s had his left hand in his suit pocket the entire time we’re talking. And then I’m like, “Oh, Beet. Wedding ring.” And then I was sad. I mean, I’m still not sure, he could just be the kind of person who keeps his left hand in his pocket at all times for no particular reason. Except for that kind of person doesn’t exist. I know he lives on the fifth floor. I’m going to commence stalking, I think. Just in case.

But whatever. At least Paris Hilton is happy. She and Benji drove a Hybrid SUV to DCMA on Monday afternoon for a lovely little photo op. And I hate that I adore Paris’s outfit. Well, not the hat, but everything else. I may have to copy it. I probably will. And I hate that, too.

He has to compete with Paris’ heels!

If it weren’t for that big-ass hat, Paris would look way taller than him. She kind of does anyway …

Here’s Paris and Benji doing some shopping in LA.

Paris recently clarified that story about her trying to buy a puppy for a photo shoot, saying that “I wasn’t looking for a new pet. I wasn’t even at a photo shoot that day. Puppies are not accessories or toys.”

Good Christian girl Paris Hilton may have ditched the extensions, but she’s back to sporting the bright blue contacts, as she hits the town in London once again with future baby-daddy Joel Madden.

I refuse to believe this is real. I simply refuse.

But now even the Hilton parents are playing along.

Yes, we’re back to Robin Leach’s blog, which you really must check out. It’s a true paragon of Internet design work. And by that I mean he has not done a thing to change the default WordPress theme. Sexy! Seriously, like, if my grandfather decided to create a blog, it would have more bells and whistles than Robin Leach’s. In fact, my grandfather is probably younger than Robin Leach. Okay, look: if my five-year-old cousin decided to create a blog, she’d do a better job at the design than Robin Leach.

But I digress.

“He’s the perfect example of ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’,” says Papa Rick Hilton. “He’s polite, well-mannered—even calls me sir! We love him like family already. Benji doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and is a healthy vegan!”

Says Kathy: “He’s changed her life—and I really think she’s genuinely in love for the first time. He’s so good to her and for her. We couldn’t be happier for them. This has honestly become the real thing … Since they’ve been together Paris has changed so much. She’s calmed, stopped running and now has a very real purpose—and it’s beautiful to see two wonderful people so perfect together. It’s a great love match and I have a funny feeling it’s going to go all the way and we’ve already given it our approval!”

Jesus Christ, this can’t be for real. If Paris Fucking Hilton can find true love and I’m still single, I’m just going to adopt eight more cats and give the fuck up on romance. The universe hates me.

She’s in London this time.

Here she is leaving her hotel with Benji Madden.

I cannot believe they are continuing this charade. How is Paris not bored of this yet?

And her extensions are out again.