Despite the constant rumors that they hate each other now, Audrina Patridge and Lauren Conrad look chummy as can be as they head into Crown Bar in LA last night.

I knew these two lovebirds would kiss and make up!

As if all the press surrounding the recent leak of her nude photo shoot weren’t enough, Audrina Patridge decided she wanted even more ink.

The Hills starlet hit up a Hollywood tattoo parlor today to get some nonsense tattooed on her arm.

Can someone please explain to me the value of getting tattoos in Chinese when you, personally, do not speak Chinese? I never understood why people do that. Why would you want something tattooed on your body that you can’t understand and that represents absolutely nothing about you? I understand doing this if you are, ya know, Chinese, or even if you speak and write the language, but what does a white girl from SoCal need fucking Chinese written on her arm for? And why Chinese, people? Because it looks flowing and mysterious? Why not, I dunno, Braille? Or Ethiopian? It’s equally relevant.

However: none of this is as bad as the guy I met in San Diego who had a Latin phrase misspelled across his chest.

Anyway, does anyone know what this actually says? And if not, can you please take some time out of your day to say a little prayer that it actually means something related to performing fellatio on a barn animal? Because nothing would please me more.

Audrina Patridge reminds us all that she does, occasionally, wear clothes, at The Hills Season 3 premiere party in NYC.

And if you, like me, are living at your father’s house where there’s no television, remember that you can watch the entire new episode of The Hills on their website, here. It’s a great way to spend the workday!

I’d link you guys to Tyler Durden to view them, but that site’s been down all day. Gee, I wonder why.

And you have a God-given right to see the photos of Audrina Patridge naked. She sent these to Playboy when she was 19. They weren’t run. Playboy sent her a letter that read “It’s not that your body’s not hot. It’s that your eyes are weird.”

I’m kidding.

She released the following statement:

“I took these photos years ago when I was just out of high school and beginning to model. I was young and very trusting of others and I didn’t know to protect myself. It is a lesson learned, for myself, and hopefully for the young girls who look up to me.”

What’s interesting to me is that these younger girls are willing to own up to it and apologize when their bare naked tits hit the web, but the older folks (Kristin Davis, anyone?) are all deny, deny, deny.

Anyway, after the jump, the naked photos of Audrina Patridge from her Playboy submission. I’ll be getting the cease and desist in T minus two hours, so save them to your computer while you can.

Update: Images removed upon request. :(

This is what we have to look forward to as the writers’ strike continues.

From Life & Style magazine, on newsstands now.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.