My eyes are just … stuck.

At the New York Aids Film Festival Red Ball’s fashion show.

Normally I give this girl all kinds of shit for looking like ass, but she actually looked really cute at the Steelo & Snow Queen Vodka Halloween Costume Party at D’or in NYC.

The guy she’s getting all cozy with in that last thumbnail?

Diana Ross’s son, Evan Ross.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.

Maybe I’m just not remembering this properly, but I feel like when Making the Band wrapped, she was cute and flirty and sexy, not looking methed-out and giving a goddamn tube of lip gloss blue balls.

Honestly, Aubrey, when the folks at the gifting suite are like, “Aubrey, let us get a shot of you using the lip gloss,” it’s okay to respond with, “No, that would look ridiculous.” Just for future reference.

At the Mondrian in L.A.

Fame has not done much for this girl’s looks. I think she’s aged about 10 years since Danity Kane released their first album. Just sayin’.

At the Life Ball party in Vienna on Friday.