Thanks to Lindsay and Samantha (with an assist by Tila and Courtenay), being gay is like the hottest new accessory for women this season. Lesbianism is the new small dog.

Enter Z-listers Aubrey O’Day and Lydia Hearst, sucking face outside Butter in NYC last night.

I’m sure this is totally true love. But I’d know for sure if they’d write it on their T-shirts.

Here’s a first look at Aubrey O’Day playing the role she was born to play: the snotty, bratty Amber Von Tussle in Hairspray on Broadway.

Eh, it actually looks like she does a decent job in the role.

Who’d've thunk it?

Um, remember when Broadway was a haven of respecting thespian professionals and not a place for reality TV stars to chill out when they don’t become the next pop phenomenon?

Yeah.

Aubrey Fucking O’Day will be appearing in Broadway’s production of Hairspray starting July 18. She’ll play Amber Von Tussle, Tracy Turnblad’s arch-nemesis.

Now, I’m not saying Aubrey O’Day’s not qualified to play an annoying little brat, but seriously? Aubrey O’Day on Broadway? Next thing you know Britney Spears will be taking on the role of Lady MacBeth with the Royal Shakespeare Company.

I’ve always had this theory I wanted to try out. You know how there’s that far right lane on PCH that people can use as parking when it’s not rush hour? But then, when it’s rush hour, be it morning or evening, it is illegal to park there? And you know how people park there anyway? And it slows down traffic like all the way up to Oxnard? My theory is that we should make that a capital offense. Seriously when the cops see a car parked there during rush hour, they should not ticket it. They should hide behind it with a semi-automatic weapon, and then, when the culprit goes to drive away, they should shoot this person multiple times in the head until they’re good and dead. I think that would fix a lot of the traffic problem in Los Angeles.

Anyway, I’m wondering if we can apply the same theory to fashion. This dress? That Aubrey O’Day wore to Danity Kane’s album release party? Someone should die for this. We should find out who is responsible and murder that person. And maybe it would help clear up the fashion problem in LA.

My eyes are just … stuck.

At the New York Aids Film Festival Red Ball’s fashion show.

Normally I give this girl all kinds of shit for looking like ass, but she actually looked really cute at the Steelo & Snow Queen Vodka Halloween Costume Party at D’or in NYC.

The guy she’s getting all cozy with in that last thumbnail?

Diana Ross’s son, Evan Ross.

I don’t even know what to make of this. My head’s kind of exploding right now.

Paris Hilton.

David Hasselhoff.

Matthew Perry.

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge.

Rumer Willis.

Lacey Chabert.

Tila Tequila.

Lydia Hearst.

Aubrey O’Day.

Aubrey O’Day’s extensions.

Cory Kennedy. (Everyone’s favorite teenage heroin addict!)

I don’t even know which joke to make first. It’s overwhelming!!! I want to write an entire short story about this night!! Or film a season of The Surreal Life!

Were they holding an AA meeting afterwards? Are you even allowed to attend AA meetings if your last name’s Tequila? Honestly, the only thing this all-star team was missing was its group counselor.

Or did attendance count as some manner of community service?

I just don’t understand!

A couple other points:

1) Paris Hilton needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. In fact, the whole world needs to never wear a jumpsuit like that again. We need to start flying planes over third-world countries and dropping pamphlets with a variety of pictographic instructions informing them that no one, anywhere, ever, is to wear a jumpsuit like that ever again.

2) Rumer Willis’s hair is back to brunette. And it’s curly now. Not, like, a luxurious curl. More of an I-didn’t-realize-I-wasn’t-supposed-to -have-the-blow-dryer-in-the-bathtub curl.

Maybe I’m just not remembering this properly, but I feel like when Making the Band wrapped, she was cute and flirty and sexy, not looking methed-out and giving a goddamn tube of lip gloss blue balls.

Honestly, Aubrey, when the folks at the gifting suite are like, “Aubrey, let us get a shot of you using the lip gloss,” it’s okay to respond with, “No, that would look ridiculous.” Just for future reference.

At the Mondrian in L.A.