Here’s the thing:  If you work for Disney, and then you grow up, you must do something to distance yourself from The Mouse.  You must either have a quickie wedding in Vegas followed by a marriage that lasts 55 hours, or make a sex tape, or accept a movie role playing a prostitute.  If you’re Ashley Tisdale, it’s all about the slutty music video, complete with sultry camera gazes.

What do we think of her new song, “Crank It Up”?  Overproduced?  Weak vocals?  I’m rocking out to an old Bangles CD right now, so I’m no one to judge.

It’s red carpet time! Or, I guess in this case, it’s green carpet time. Young Hollywood turned out in droves for Sunday night’s Teen Choice Awards. I don’t know who won what award because I’m not a teen, and it’s not my choice. I chose to watch football. But I do enjoy seeing who wore what to the awards show.

The green carpet was shot outside, in natural light– something for which Beet always cuts celebs a little extra slack. But not me. Because its the same light that all of us have to live every day of our lives in. So when a celeb shows up on the red carpet in natural light that reveals their haggard eye bags and pancake makeup, I feel highly vindicated. Case in point: Amanda Bynes (above). I’m not sure what kinds of bottles she’s been hitting, or how often, but I’m convinced that bottles are definitely being hit.

I’m also convinced that inside Rumer Willis’ gullet is a pelican desperately struggling to swallow a fish.

Britney Spears, on the other hand, looked fabulous. I’ve never been a big fan of her fashion choices, but her dress tonight was sexy with a touch of  class.

Miley Cyrus showed up in an outfit that may have been made up of pieces from her Wal-mart line. I have nothing against Wal-mart, and definitely nothing against Miley, but I’m not so sure that was the best fashion choice for an awards show. Nothing says tacky like a darkly colored bra showing through a wife beater.

Other atendees included Robert Pattinson, looking drugged and disheveled as ever, Kristen Bell in my least favorite celeb fashion trend of the last few years (a jumpsuit), the Jonas Brothers, Fergie, Emma Roberts, Jordin Sparks, Kristen Stewart, Alexis Bledel, Ashley Tisdale, Selena Gomez, and Kat Von D.

So who had your favorite look of the evening? Worst?

I apologize. I built you up with that headline, and I’m only going to disappoint you.

While making a guest appearance on a Spanish talkshow, some freaky unibrow puppets prompt the Tis to give an impromptu lapdance to a Barack Obama impersonator. Aside from some PG-13 titty shaking however, there’s very little “lap” in this lapdance.

I just can’t stop laughing at these pictures. Here’s The Tiz in Milan, promoting an Italian clothing line called Puerco Espin.

Now, I don’t know what “Puerco Espin” actually means in Italian. And I’d rather not have anyone tell me. Because right now I’m translating it in my head as Pork Spin, and it’s making me think of porkspin.com and that’s cracking me up. (WARNING: DO NOT click on that link at work. In fact, do not click on it EVER. Just email the link to someone you really hate, and then bury it deep in the darkest recesses of your memory, where you keep things like the places your uncle touched you and the early Miss Bliss episodes of Saved by the Bell.)

Ashley Tisdale and her latest boyfriend, music video director Scott Speer, were attached at the hip as they walked to her Toluca Lake home this morning.

Because when your boyfriend’s cheating on you, the appropriate thing to do is trash his house with your friends and take photos of yourself making out with a random dude and leave them for him to find, because that’s going to make him so sad and he’ll totally miss you and won’t at all think of you as a psychotic bitch who never deserved his loyalty anyway. This is a far better approach than simply walking away with your dignity intact. Great message, Tiz.

For the millions of you out there who follow Ashley Tisdale’s love life with bated breath, you’ll be fascinated to know that she’s officially split from her boyfriend, Jared Murillo. Jared’s a part of a boy band called V Factory, which hasn’t exactly taken off the way they’d hoped, but you can listen to their music here. Trust me, you liked it better when it was called *NSYNC. (God, remember *NSYNC? Was that this decade?) Seriously that site should have a warning like, “Be advised: This content is not suitable for persons over the age of 12.” Where is the government when you need them???

Jared and Ashley met when he was a backup dancer on HSM. When will these girls learn? Also, they should have used whatever they took out of Ashley’s nose to fill this guy’s upper lip.

I am such a 10-year-old girl. I was talking to my friend Anna today about possibly carpooling to the Britney Spears show on Thursday. She was like, “Yeah, we’ll probably leave around five.” I was like, “Well, okay, here’s the problem: Since I’m a member of the Britney Spears Fan Club …” and I didn’t get any further than that. Before I could explain that I had special fan-club VIP tickets that allow me to do a pre-show backstage tour and dinner, so I’d have to leave earlier than five, she had erupted in laughter, as had anyone else in earshot. I was like, “Fine! Okay! Yeah, I said that. I’m out and I’m proud! I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS!”

So whatever. I’m still a pre-teen as far as my musical tastes are concerned. So is 23-year-old Ashley Tisdale, who today released a longer clip of her new track, “It’s Alright, It’s Okay” on MySpace. You can listen to it here. It sounds like … something straight off the High School Musical soundtrack. I thought she was supposed to be past that phase in her career. But you know what? I kind of love it. I won’t apologize! I loooooove cheesy tween-pop! It makes me so happy!

For real, though, Ash, your music has to grow up, because eventually your fans are going to.

Perez Hilton held his 31st birthday party yesterday at the Viper Room nightclub in West Hollywood. For someone who talks a lot of trash about celebrities, making juvenile comments about their love lives and appearances, a lot of them showed up at his party. This means that I can still hold out hope that Clive Owen will turn up at my 31st birthday party, no matter how big of a bitch I am on this blog.

Paris Hilton & boyfriend Doug Reinhardt, Amanda Bynes, Steve-O, and a very different looking Ashley Tisdale (holding hands with a lady friend) were in attendance, amongst others. The Jonas Brothers “rushed over” from the Kid’s Choice awards to sing Happy Birthday, and Christina Aguilera did her best Marilyn Monroe impression of a breathy “Happy Birthday Mr. Perez-ident.”

“I’m not thrilled with the number 31,” Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, said on the pink carpet in front of the Viper Room nightclub. “But I am super excited that, right now, I’m happier in my life than I ever have been before.”

Hilton bragged that the first gift he received was from “High School Musical” heartthrob Zac Efron.

“He sent me a bottle of champagne to my hotel room, which made me squeal like a little school girl,” he gushed.

Party attendee Paris Hilton seems to have contracted Victoria Beckham’s “Every Day I Look More and More Like a Robot” disease. Note the cut on boyfriend Reinhardt’s lip, a souvenir of Friday night’s scuffle with a bodyguard at Fontainebleau.

America’s sweetheart turns 16 years old today.  Doesn’t it seem like she’s been turning 16 forever?  Like closing Disney so 7,000 people could celebrate her big day wasn’t enough.  They better not roll out a cake for her tonight when she performs at the American Music Awards.

Here is Miley arriving at the AMAs looking totally age appropriate. 

I’m sure Beet will have plenty of coverage on the AMAs tomorrow but here are a few of my random thoughts on the first arrivals:

Christina Aguilera, seriously, what has happened to you?  It’s like your face totally changed when you got pregnant and it never returned to its original state.  I realize part of it is just a normal maturing but something looks…off. 

As off as seeing Pink as she appears tonight.  She gets a lot of criticism so I give her credit for wearing such a feminine.  I think she’s damned if she does or doesn’t; I just never imagined I’d feel so uncomfortable actually witnessing her in an evening gown and nose ring.

I had to look up who the hell Shailene Woodley was.  I guess she stars on some show called The Secret Life of an American Teenager.  You’ll know her better as the chick wearing flower pots on her feet.

Toccara has been looking good.  And by good I mean like a drag queen.

I’m unnaturally distracted by Dancing With The Starsjudge Carrie Ann Inaba.  Is she missing a set of eyelashes on one eye? 

And finally, Ashley Tisdale.  You’re cute, you’re wealthy.  You haven’t been romantically linked to any Jonas brother.  Cheer up…life is good! 

Increasingly hetero-seeming Zac Efron cozies up to his costars, Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens, at the Melbourne premiere of High School Musical 3.

No surprises here but High School Musical 3: Senior Year was the weekend’s top grossing movie with ticket sales of $42M. 

Ashley Tisdale and other cast members at The 3rd Rome International Film Festival High School Musical 3 Premiere.  Her dress is a little Vegas showgirl, i.e. I love it.  I’m actually loving her as a brunette too!

Director Kenny Ortega needs to lay off the caffeine.  Or coke.