Here’s the thing:  If you work for Disney, and then you grow up, you must do something to distance yourself from The Mouse.  You must either have a quickie wedding in Vegas followed by a marriage that lasts 55 hours, or make a sex tape, or accept a movie role playing a prostitute.  If you’re Ashley Tisdale, it’s all about the slutty music video, complete with sultry camera gazes.

What do we think of her new song, “Crank It Up”?  Overproduced?  Weak vocals?  I’m rocking out to an old Bangles CD right now, so I’m no one to judge.

It’s red carpet time! Or, I guess in this case, it’s green carpet time. Young Hollywood turned out in droves for Sunday night’s Teen Choice Awards. I don’t know who won what award because I’m not a teen, and it’s not my choice. I chose to watch football. But I do enjoy seeing who wore what to the awards show.

The green carpet was shot outside, in natural light– something for which Beet always cuts celebs a little extra slack. But not me. Because its the same light that all of us have to live every day of our lives in. So when a celeb shows up on the red carpet in natural light that reveals their haggard eye bags and pancake makeup, I feel highly vindicated. Case in point: Amanda Bynes (above). I’m not sure what kinds of bottles she’s been hitting, or how often, but I’m convinced that bottles are definitely being hit.

I’m also convinced that inside Rumer Willis’ gullet is a pelican desperately struggling to swallow a fish.

Britney Spears, on the other hand, looked fabulous. I’ve never been a big fan of her fashion choices, but her dress tonight was sexy with a touch of  class.

Miley Cyrus showed up in an outfit that may have been made up of pieces from her Wal-mart line. I have nothing against Wal-mart, and definitely nothing against Miley, but I’m not so sure that was the best fashion choice for an awards show. Nothing says tacky like a darkly colored bra showing through a wife beater.

Other atendees included Robert Pattinson, looking drugged and disheveled as ever, Kristen Bell in my least favorite celeb fashion trend of the last few years (a jumpsuit), the Jonas Brothers, Fergie, Emma Roberts, Jordin Sparks, Kristen Stewart, Alexis Bledel, Ashley Tisdale, Selena Gomez, and Kat Von D.

So who had your favorite look of the evening? Worst?

I apologize. I built you up with that headline, and I’m only going to disappoint you.

While making a guest appearance on a Spanish talkshow, some freaky unibrow puppets prompt the Tis to give an impromptu lapdance to a Barack Obama impersonator. Aside from some PG-13 titty shaking however, there’s very little “lap” in this lapdance.

I just can’t stop laughing at these pictures. Here’s The Tiz in Milan, promoting an Italian clothing line called Puerco Espin.

Now, I don’t know what “Puerco Espin” actually means in Italian. And I’d rather not have anyone tell me. Because right now I’m translating it in my head as Pork Spin, and it’s making me think of porkspin.com and that’s cracking me up. (WARNING: DO NOT click on that link at work. In fact, do not click on it EVER. Just email the link to someone you really hate, and then bury it deep in the darkest recesses of your memory, where you keep things like the places your uncle touched you and the early Miss Bliss episodes of Saved by the Bell.)

Ashley Tisdale and her latest boyfriend, music video director Scott Speer, were attached at the hip as they walked to her Toluca Lake home this morning.

IT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S OK official music video

Because when your boyfriend’s cheating on you, the appropriate thing to do is trash his house with your friends and take photos of yourself making out with a random dude and leave them for him to find, because that’s going to make him so sad and he’ll totally miss you and won’t at all think of you as a psychotic bitch who never deserved his loyalty anyway. This is a far better approach than simply walking away with your dignity intact. Great message, Tiz.

For the millions of you out there who follow Ashley Tisdale’s love life with bated breath, you’ll be fascinated to know that she’s officially split from her boyfriend, Jared Murillo. Jared’s a part of a boy band called V Factory, which hasn’t exactly taken off the way they’d hoped, but you can listen to their music here. Trust me, you liked it better when it was called *NSYNC. (God, remember *NSYNC? Was that this decade?) Seriously that site should have a warning like, “Be advised: This content is not suitable for persons over the age of 12.” Where is the government when you need them???

Jared and Ashley met when he was a backup dancer on HSM. When will these girls learn? Also, they should have used whatever they took out of Ashley’s nose to fill this guy’s upper lip.