LOOK HOW HIP THE CW IS, YOU GUYS!!!!

The trailer for the upcoming Ashlee Simpson-starring Melrose Place features Britney’s “Circus.” That should be your first clue that this is a really bad trailer. Like, you can take pretty much the shittiest show on television and find some way to make it look compelling in a 60-second trailer. But this? Is a giant fail. I can’t even fathom tuning in for this show.

I have to admit that Pete Wentz isn’t half as fun to write stories about since he stopped talking about his sex life every 20 minutes.  This new, more restrained rocker dude is a real snore.

Pete was out and about last night taking his emaciated looking wife Ashlee for a walk.  Actually, they were headed to the restaurant Angels & Kings — a hot spot that I’ve been wanting to call “Angels & Demons” every single time I’ve tried to write this story.

In a totally random and unrelated vein, the paps also took pics of Cameron Diaz on the same stretch of street.  When did she go from “cute surfer chick” to “lady who attends Botox parties”?

Complete and total adorableness!

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz — who’s lost all her baby weight and THEN SOME — carries little Bronx Mowgli out of a London hotel and onto a tour bus. Ash and Bronx are accompanying Pete Wentz on the Fall Out Boy tour. I guess Ashlee finished filming the Melrose Place pilot that probably won’t get picked up?

At least she has a precious little kiddo!!!

Married mother Ashlee Simpson(-Wentz) showed up Thursday to film scenes for the CW’s Melrose Place remake — and she brought Sprinkles cupcakes! How sweet! She must REALLY want to keep this job!

I’ve been hearing rumors from folks inside the CW that the pilot script really sucks and the network may not even greenlight a season. Personally, I think that’s probably bullshit. There’s enough buzz around this show already that it wouldn’t make any sense for the CW to scrap it entirely. I think Ashlee & Co will get at least a half-season. I mean, it’s not like the CW has anything better to air. But I just pass on what I hear!

Why is it that whenever “troubled marriage” rumors start floating around, celeb couples feel the need to respond by making out in public?  Because if there is one couple that I never need to see having a tongue wrestling match, it’s Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz.  Seeing these pictures gave me a very severe Michael Jackson/Lisa-Marie Presley moment and I don’t appreciate it.

The two nauseated me joined onstage at the MTV Australia awards and sent the unmistakable message:  We.  Are.  Happy.

If you are one of those morbidly curious types, fear not.  Pete, who can never shut his mouth, should be granting an interview any day now letting everyone know how many times they fucked after the awards, who had the most orgasms, and he’ll probably provide a position-by-position summary as well.  We can only hope.

Despite my fervent nightly prayers, the CW is moving forward with its plans for a Melrose Place remake.  In an enjoyable twist, and perhaps the only strategy that could have ever made me tune into this disaster-in-waiting, Ashlee Simpson-Wentz has been cast as the newest tenant.

Are you ready for the complex and completely original character profile?  Ash plays a small-town girl with a secret.  Sigh, yawn and snort.

Ashlee hasn’t acted in four years (unless you count the lip-synching and “Jessica is skinny,” statements) since she appeared on 7th Heaven.  Hey, maybe her old co-star Jessica Biel could get a guest spot on MP as a slutty visitor from out of town.  Because really, that’s who lives at Melrose Place-you’re either a country bumpkin that murdered your abusive daddy, boyfriend or sister or you’re a scheming vixen that has mastered the quizzical eyebrow arch and fucks everyone.  Thankfully, everyone plays their part in push-ups, stilettos and bad hair extensions.

All I know is this:  I will be watching every episode closely.  In my estimation, it’s not an official comeback until some hair-pulling bitchfest results in Ashlee and a fellow low-rent resident falling into the pool.

Ashlee Simpson is on the warpath, defending big sister Jessica.  Here’s the part of her tiring tirade that I did marginally agree with:

Since when did a woman’s weight become newsworthy?  A week after the inauguration and with such a feeling of hope in the air for our country, I find it completely embarrassing and belittling to all women to read about a woman’s weight or figure.  All women come in different shapes, sizes, and forms and just because you’re a celebrity, there shouldn’t be a different standard.

She also claimed that one would never be so mean to a friend or relative in real life.  Actually, that’s where she’s wrong.  Because if any friend of mine, weighing more than 109 pounds, is seen in high-waisted jeans and/or a bad bra, they should basically expect that I’ll be staging an intervention for them.

Ashlee whined, “How can we expect teenage girls to love and respect themselves in an environment where we criticize a size 2 figure?”  I don’t know Ashlee but the next time I see a size two figure, I’ll be sure to be kind.  What does this have to do with Jessica?