Anne Heche is willing to pay someone $375 an hour to do what most divorced and single parents have to do on their own, for free, every day.  Anne Heche and her ex-husband Coley Laffoon have agreed to hire a parenting plan coordinator.  ”What is a parenting plan coordinator?” you ask.  It’s exactly as it sounds.  This ridiculously paid person will help in coaching the two of these idiots on how to co-parent.  He or she will help resolve conflicts that arise between the exes.

I wonder how little Homer — they should have hired an infant naming specialist about seven years ago — will feel when he grows up and realizes that his parents had to pay a professional to facilitate scheduling a play date?

Anne Heche and her boyfriend, actor James Tupper, welcomed son Atlas Heche Tupper over the weekend.

You’ll keep in mind that Anne’s first son (with Coley Laffoon) was named Homer, and I’m going make a huge leap of faith and assume that they named him after the Greek poet and not because Homer Simpson exhibits many of the traits they’d like to see in their progeny. (Ironically, you know, amidst his vices, Homer Simpson never left his wife and family to marry Anne Heche, which is more than can be said for James Tupper or Coley Laffoon.)

The meaning of the term “atlas” actually goes a bit deeper than the maps Miss Teen South Carolina thinks we should send to The Iran. Atlas is an important character in Greek mythology — one referenced, in fact, in one of Homer’s epic poems. In The Odyssey, he calls Atlas as “one who knows the depths of the whole sea, and keeps the tall pillars who hold heaven and earth asunder”.

In previous stories, Atlas is described as a man who got tricked into bearing the weight of the heavens and earth on his shoulders.

For this kid?

I think he’ll definitely end up earning his name.

When I originally read the financial details of Anne Heche’s divorce, I thought, “Wow, it is so expensive to be hetero.  She totally should have stuck with Ellen.”  Then I remembered the gay tax and realized that the most economically sane thing I could do is, like, have a fatal heart attack.

In a divorce that lasted more than half the length of the marriage, Anne Heche has been ordered to pay $515,000 in cash, $3,700 a month in child support and fifty percent of community property to her ex, Coley Laffoon.

The good news is that she gets 50-50 custody of her son and gets to keep her Vancouver home.  She won’t be able to afford furnishings, but she can hold onto her manse.

I don’t know. I don’t care. Bitch is crazy and this is the slowest news day ever. We’ve been spoiled by Paris-mania for the past week and now everything is boring. Hey, wanna know what I just noticed? If you change the “a” in Paris’s name to an “e” and you extend the “r” a little further down so that it’s an “n,” her name is Penis.

So, yeah, anyway, yesterday everyone was reporting that Anne “Batshit Crazy” Heche lost custody of her son, and that her ex-husband would take primary custody. But today they’re all like, “No, actually they’re splitting custody 50-50.”

Either way, both of these people were involved in the decision to award this nascent lifeform the name of “Homer,” and so I don’t really think that either of them deserves custody. Give the kid to an Olsen twin to raise; at least then he’ll have a chance.

Here’s some fun with other people’s straightforward reporting.

Firing back in her divorce case, Anne Heche asks for full custody of her son and claims her ex-husband, Coley Laffoon, craves porn, poker and money.

My joke palate is salivating right now.

Heche says in court papers that although Laffoon claims to be a stay-at-home dad, he actually leaves their 5-year-old son Homer “with nannies and babysitters while he plays ping-pong, backgammon and poker and views pornography online.

Wait a second, this dude PLAYS ping-pong?? Your honor, I respectfully ask that Mr. Laffoon be committed. And if we find out any foozball is involved I’d recommend shock therapy. Also, how many guys do you think have never “viewed pornography online?” Put your hand up. Now make a fist. There, you’ve got your number.

More after the jump, because I’m feeling windy!

He holds a poker game at his home every Thursday night and allows Homer to participate.

Well look, it’s not like the kid is gambling away his college fund. I would teach my boy to play poker. It fosters math skills, game theory, and the ability to gauge people’s honesty level. These are all skills one can use in real life.

She adds that Laffoon bragged to cast members of her show, taped in Vancouver, that he “knew each strip joint in town.”

I sort of give Heche points on this one. Having been to strip clubs I can tell you that while naked women are great, it’s just not a good value. It’s equivalent to buying a useless vase or something. So if he really did frequent them it means he’s not a good shopper. Strippers are a waste of hard earned cash.

The former videographer, who says he quit a $6,000-a-year job to take care of Homer, is seeking primary custody and at least $33,000 a month in support…

Whoa there. $6000 dollars a year? Can that number be right? That’s can’t be right. He must have been the worst videographer ever if that number is right. I think People is wrong here. Because quitting a $6k a year job isn’t quitting at all.. it’s admitting that the $100 bucks you’re making for your 15 hours a week at McDonald’s isn’t going to cut it.

In his court filing last week Laffoon, 33, said that Heche, 37, demonstrates “bizarre and delusional behavior.”

Yeah, I believe this. Her record suggests that she’s stark raving mad. And how can she afford 33k a month in support? What has she done lately? Because I will totally hook up with crazy rich chicks if need be. I’ll even skip the strip clubs.

At least there’s one constant in Anne Heche’s life: the crazy. The actress, who dated Ellen Degeneres during her “yeah I’m totally into women since I can’t land an A-list man” phase, has left her husband Coley Laffoon, a camera man. The two met, ironically, while working on a documentary about Ellen’s return to stand-up comedy. They have one son together, which they opted to name Homer — you know, so that he’ll get beat up a lot.

Why the split? Apparently Anne has fallen for her Men in Trees co-star, James Tupper, who has — of course — a wife and child. There should really be an “Anne Heche Ruined My Life” support group. A twelve-step program even. And Anne Heche should attend meetings regularly.