I hate that these actually look kind of sweet. Nothing is particularly offensive here. Except for her fake eyelashes — Anna Nicole should be careful, lest she accidentally overdose on those things.

More pics of these shenanigans here.

Wow, my sense of security in this world just took a major hit.

We reported earlier in the week that Anna Nicole Smith married her longtime lawyer, Howard “Not the Shock Jock” “K.” Stern.

Now word is coming through that the marriage was “not legally binding,” and the vows were just part of a “commitment ceremony.” Apparently heterosexual marriage isn’t allowed in the Bahamas — well, it’s allowed in Freeport, but then it won’t be recognized in Nassau, which specifically voted to ban heterosexual marriage, considering it a “vile affront to encouraging hot chicks to go down on each other, i.e., tourism.”

Here’s what rocks my world: This statement was made by Michael Scott, Anna’s attorney.

What happened? Howard K. Stern has been Anna’s lawyer since the dawn of time! Since J. Howard Marshall was born, it seems! Does Anna need a new lawyer now that she’s in love with her old one? Who’s writing the pre-nup? I really don’t know if I can get used to this.

Star magazine reports that Anna Nicole Smith married her lawyer and constant companion, Howard K. Stern, in the Bahamas on Thursday morning. The ceremony took place on a yacht off the coast of Nassau, and Anna Nicole wore a pink bikini for the event.

Update: According to Perez, this quickie marriage may be an attempt to prevent a paternity suit by Larry Birkhead, a former fling of Anna’s who is claiming to be the father of the baby. Perez’s source says:

“I am positive that the reason they got married is because under the family law in the Bahamas, if a person marries the mother AFTER birth of the child AND acknowledges he is the natural father (which Howard Stern did on the Larry King show) — he is presumed under their laws to be the father of the child.”

In effect, this prevents Birkhead from filing a paternity suit and from insisting on a DNA test. Smith recently became a legal resident of the Bahamas.

This just keeps getting stranger.

Cyril Wecht — the man who single-handedly taught a nation what “pathologist” means — announced Wednesday that Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel died from a combination of methadone, Zoloft and Lexapro.

The Zoloft and Lexapro are commonly prescribed for depression — a disease from which Daniel reportedly suffered — but they’re from the same class of drugs, and it would be unusual for them to be prescribed for concurrent use. Methadone is an opiate sometimes used to treat chronic pain in cancer patients and the like, but it is more often used by recovering heroin addicts. Or 20-year-old kids who figure that, if they mix it with a bunch of depression meds, they’ll catch a killer buzz, or at least be able to dull whatever pain comes along with a Daniel Smith childhood and genetic framework.

So that’s the shocking conclusion: drug overdose, probably accidental. It’s in all respects a tragedy, but I hope that, with the level of publicity this story’s received, someone somewhere will think twice before they try the same thing, and some good can come of all this.

This story gets more intriguing by the minute.

On Tuesday night, an obviously distressed Howard K. Stern appeared on Larry King Live to announce that he and Anna Nicole Smith have been in a relationship for “a very long time,” and that he is the father of her new baby girl, Hannah.

I think on some level I kind of knew this already, but still, it’s crazy to watch the video. We forget that these are very real people. This has been a truly horrific month for HKS and Anna, and it’s written all over his face in this interview. I feel terrible for him.

Update: I just realized something. If your names were Howard and Anna, and you wanted to name your kid a combination of the two, Jamie-Lynn Spears-style, what would you name it? Probably Hannah.

UpdateUpdate: Apparently the kid’s name is now Danilynne, which has something to do with “Daniel” and the fact that Anna Nicole’s real name is Vicky Lynn.

UpdateUpdateUpdate: Larry Birkhead is such a fucked up cocksucker.

• Eminem’s trying to work out the details of his divorce from Kim Mathers. Again.
• Scarlett Johansson loves being curvy, and she doesn’t want to change a thing about herself. Which is totally fine, but it would be nice if she could change the character she plays every once in awhile.
• Teri Hatcher has very expensive THO. According to the Desperate Housewives star, during the show’s first season, the producers spent thousands of dollars digitally erasing her nipples. For the love of Christ, will someone please run her picture this week? Next thing you know, she’ll be running to the press with some story about how she was sexually molested as a child. What’s that? Oh.
• “The One Where Joey Represents Himself in Divorce Proceedings with His Estranged Wife”

• Wait, what? Drugs might be involved in the death of Anna Nicole Smith’s son? Surely you jest.