Well, Beet has wisely decided to go after big people in a major way this morning so I’m going to join the fray with this news: Anna Nicole and TrimSpa are being sued in a very classy manner. That was my pun for “class action”. Yeah, well, I hate me too. Anyhow the news is:

Anna Nicole Smith and TrimSpa Inc. have been sued in a class-action lawsuit alleging their marketing of a weight-loss pill is false or misleading.

Really? I have zero sympathy for you people. Isn’t taking diet pill advice from Anna Nicole like taking “How to get shot lessons” from Tupac? Clearly you’d want 50 Cent.

My point is Anna is a very big and cuckoo imbecile. Those who follow her advice deserve only ridicule and a discount on their next full frontal lobotomy.

I was so excited for Tuesday. On January 23, Anna Nicole Smith was supposed to bring her new baby, Dannielynn (okay, if I can’t ever spell this name right on the first try, how does Anna Nicole even have a chance?), in for paternity testing, per a court order. Larry Birkhead, Smith’s former paramour, had asked for the test, contesting Anna’s claim that the girl’s father is Anna’s lawyer, super-stud Howard K. Stern. Birkhead claims the baby is his.

However, it turns out that Anna Nicole’s crack legal team has potency outside of the reproductive arena. They were able to convince an L.A. judge to stay the order, citing something about how the case was never tried in the Bahamas (pay no attention to anything about the legal aspects of this case I may mention — I have no idea what I’m talking about). So, alas, this is not the week we all get to hear Anna Nicole’s explanation of how exactly she could be so completely wrong about who fathered her child.

But never fear! We will not be completely without Anna’s unique brand of articulate. TMZ obtained a private AOL Instant Messenger convo between Anna and Larry Birkhead. This is possible because TMZ employs some of the most talented Internet hackers on the planet — namely, Larry Birkhead (handle: N0 tr0jAn). Here’s the text of the convo, which led me to actually pray that this child’s father is Howard K. Stern, because at least he had a strong enough grasp on verb conjugation to get through law school.

Anna Nicole: quit trash me at the casino
Larry: not at a casino
Anna Nicole: go fuck my mom to
Anna Nicole: Yall are sick
Larry: show up for the test with the baby\
Anna Nicole: don’t think so
Anna Nicole: u wish
Larry: everybody just want u to do right thing is all
Anna Nicole: in your dreams

Here at The Beet, we just wishes for there be resolushun in this matter before Danilyn be’s old enuf to understand what go on around her.

Now you can cross “See Steven Tyler’s bare ass” off your list of things to do before you die. I know, I know. When you put it on there twenty years ago it seemed a much more appealing proposal. Beggars can’t be choosers. But thankfully his daughter girlfriend is there to add a touch of youth to the image. [MollyGood]

How is it surprising to anyone, let alone someone who has actually had sex with her, that Anna Nicole continues to sell pictures of her baby to the tabloids? Come on, Larry Birkhead. You know you’re loving this. [Cele|bitchy]

Britney and her new parasite drop $40K a night on the Hugh Hefner suite at The Palms. I’m not sure why she needs that rotating bed. You know the whole room is spinning for her by bedtime anyway.* [Pop on the Pop]

Who is Keeley Hazell? Who cares? Her sex tape leaked. [Bossip]

Damn. I was in the Lindsay-Lohan’s-boobs-are-real camp for a long, long time, but now I’m starting to have second thoughts. [Yeeeah!]

Oh happy day! It turns out Gwen Stefani looks human before you airbrush the hell out of her. [Teddy and Moo]

Snore. Heather Mills wins something in her never-ending battle with Sir Paul McCartney. Wake me when I’m British. [Monica Monroe]

*A special congrats to Isaac Cohen, who, having been Britney’s boy-toy for over a week now, has earned his previously irrelevant ass its very own label here on the Beet.

This is pretty unbelievable.

On her baby, of course, although I’d also be interested in a scientific analysis of where the hell this woman comes from. The LA Superior Court ordered Anna and her three-month-old daughter to come to Los Angeles for paternity testing, at the request of her former sugar daddy, Larry Birkhead, who claims the child is his. Batshit Anna, as you’ll recall, claims the baby daddy is Howard K. Stern, her longtime lawyer and recent “husband.” Frankly, I don’t really care who the baby’s daddy is — it’s a good story either way — but if someone could step up to the plate and claim he’s the father of Suri Cruise, just so we could get those paternity tests run, I’d be a really happy blogger.

Today in tasteful: unearthed 1986 footage of Michael Richards in blackface. [The Bosh]

When Prison Break first aired, I gave it three hours of my life that I will never get back, then gave up. But Wentworth Miller is still way hot, so check out this interview with him. [Gossip or Truth, more]

If you’re anything like the rest of the country, you’ve been waiting ever so anxiously to hear what a recently divorced Juliette Lewis thinks about former boyfriend Brad Pitt. Thanks goodness she’s finally weighed in. [Agent Bedhead]

The Beyonce/Jay-Z shelf life is nearing its end. Maybe they can time the break-up to coincide with the opening of Dreamgirls. Wouldn’t that be nice? [Rhymes with Snitch]

Stylist Rachel Zoe claims Nicole Richie fired her after she “voiced concerns … about her lifestyle.” [PopSugar]

When asked about Hilary Swank, Chad Lowe takes the high road. No pun intended. [celebrity nation]

And just for the hell of it, really cute pics of Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale and their adorable little critter out shopping. [Dirty Laundry]

Yup, the Spiderman 3 trailer leaked. Enjoy. [Derek Hail]

TomKat and Suri the Fake Baby (looking fake as can be), arrive in Rome for the contractually mandated wedding of the century. [Glitterati]

Leann Rimes sides with Faith Hill on the whole Carrie-Underwood-sucks issue. Classy. [Tabloid Whore]

Holy crap, stop the presses. Jude and Sienna broke up. For the eight billionth time. I honestly do not remember them getting back together. I’m sure I wrote about it, but I have some sort of Jude-Sienna mental filter that keeps that sort of info from sticking. I’m glad of it. [The Superficial]

This constant stream of Anna Nicole stories makes me want to mix methadone with antidepressants, too. The power company pulled the plug on her place in the Bahamas yesterday. [Allie is Wired]

Vogue doesn’t want pictures of Britney Spears’ baby. Not even for free. Damn. [HGW]

A little treat for the straight guys who stop by on occasion/accident: Alessandra Ambrosia photo explosion over at CelebSlam. [CelebSlam]