Okay, seriously, when my ass gets pregnant, I am going to sit on the fucking couch all day long and be like “BRING ME MORE PICKLES AND FRO-YO!” Even if no one else is home, I’m going to yell that, just because, and I’m going to do nothing all day long but be pregnant and whiny and demanding and urinating, because I am single-handedly perpetuating the species and I have a right to do whatever the fuck I feel like.

Angelina Jolie is much more mature than I.

Even though she’s waaaay preggers, she still took time out to represent the Jolie-Pitt Foundation at a Washington DC discussion titled “Iraq, Education, and Children of Conflict.”

A thousand years from now, I swear to you, Angelina Jolie is going to be a fucking religion, and the Angelinians are going to be murdering, like, Scientologists, somewhere in the Middle East, and it’s all going to be very, very ironic.

Star magazine, who first issued the story, has printed a retraction:

Sources in a position to have information regarding a secret wedding ceremony between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had confirmed to Star that the couple married in the French Quarter Wedding Chapel on Saturday, March 29. “There were two weddings, one planned and one unplanned,” one source told Star. “Brad and Angelina’s was the planned ceremony. The weather wasn’t good, so we were indoors.” After further investigation, the sources are not standing by their story. Brad and Angelina’s reps have not commented.

Someone over at Star is getting FIRED.

Us magazine is saying that reports of a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie wedding on Saturday are “complete and total bulls–t.”

“Bottom line,” says a source, “they’re not even in New Orleans.”

Hmmmm.

What do you guys think? Did they tie the knot or not?

Star magazine is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married on Saturday afternoon in New Orleans.

If it’s true, it’s all you’re going to be hearing about all week.

And everyone’s still reporting that Angie’s expecting twins.

Because it turns out they’re ninth cousins.

And Brad Pitt? He’s a ninth cousin of Barack Obama.

OMG.

Only on a slow news day, people. Only on a slow news day.

Pitt and Obama are ninth cousins, linked by Edwin Hickman, who died in Virginia in 1769, the researchers found.

Clinton … and Jolie, meanwhile, are ninth cousins, twice removed because they are both related to Jean Cusson who died in St. Sulpice, Quebec, in 1718.

Seriously?

And I went to elementary school with John McCain’s daughter. No, really, I did. She was a couple of years below me. I was her 4th grade reading buddy. She wore big red glasses and she was adorable. I’m gonna call my PR agency. We oughtta issue a press release on a slow news day.

Update: Photo removed because it violated some manner of copyright blah blah blah. Sorry.

Jesus, Angelina.

Do you really want another?

You know, if you feel like it’s too much, you could just have the baby and then put it up for adoption in Africa. How much fun would that be??? There are plenty of needy African families who would know exactly what to do with a beautiful white baby.

First off, I have to express my thanks to Lars and Evil T. They have been amazing about posting and staying on top of things as I have moved seamlessly from one personal crisis to the next this month. They no longer work for me and I no longer pay them, and they have been doing this purely out of love for me and all things gossip, and I am immensely grateful.

That said, when I saw T’s post about Angelina Jolie’s baby bump, my reaction was the same as some of yours: this is sooooo Photoshopped. That is the fakest-looking damn baby bump ever. I was like, “Where the hell did T find that ridiculous fake photo?” After some research, I discovered the answer: she found it using the WireImage subscription I had specifically instructed her to use.

Yes, folks, that’s a real photo.

To drive home the point, I’ve included here several additional photos from the same event.

She’s either pregnant, or she has the most unfortunate tumor I’ve ever seen.

Angelina Jolie pretty much told the world “so ya guys I’m totally pregnant” by wearing a clingy black dress to the Independent Spirit Awards. I can’t get over the fact that she is totally with child yet still has skinny arms. I am 5′3” and when I decide to pop out kids I feel like I am going to get as wide as I am tall.

Honestly, I am so jealous of those women who pregnancy seems to make them hotter. Sigh. I can’t wait to see if this kid (or kids…as some media outlets are speculating) is going to be as cute as the other members of their brood.

I wonder where this kid will end up being born? Africa? Asia? Some strange remote Island?