Brad and Angelina showed up arm and arm on the Cannes red carpet at the Inglourious Basterds premiere.  Brad looked appropriately doting and Angelina looked like she finally reached an appropriate body weight.  She wore a dress that wasn’t black and though she still hasn’t ventured out of the neutrals, it was cut to her nether regions which certainly helped her cause.

All in all, they look très glam if not overjoyed to be with one another.

It’s Tuesday, it’s sunny outside and I’m feeling productive.  So in the spirit of efficiency, I’m just going to get started on these newest stories about trouble in Brangelinadise.  Today’s tale?  The couple haven’t been photographed together in twenty-one days and Brad’s a drunk.

Daily Mail, the people who truly can fashion a feature story out of the tiniest shred of information, tells the story of Angelina’s dismay about Brad’s drinking and slovenly ways.  The summary:  Angelina came home from a long day of filming her movie, Salt.  She was upset to discover Brad passed out in bed.  He drank beer and watched movies all day, while the kids were on a separate floor of the house, giving the nannies hell.  Jolie reportedly went all sorts of nuts shaking Brad, trying to wake him up.

Listen, I seriously wonder if Daily Mail writers don’t just sit around munching on scones, make up a bunch of shit, and call it a staff meeting.  It’s so obvious that this never happened.  I mean, Angelina having enough strength, energy or body weight to shake someone?  Madness, I say!

Star Magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie is contemplating giving a “sizeable donation” to octo-mom Nadya Suleman to help with childcare and medical costs:

Star has learned the actress is seriously considering donating thousands of dollars to the overwhelmed 33-year-old single mom, whose brood includes 2-month-old octuplets.

“Angelina is worried about the best interests of the kids,” explains a source. “As a mom of six, she knows how chaotic and costly raising a big family can be.”

But keep in mind that this is Star Magazine, and you’d be better off believing stories told by Courtney Love in an AA meeting. I find it highly doubtful that Jolie feels anything other than disturbed by this woman and her obsession with her. Doing anything to encourage that attachment would be an extremely stupid move. Say what you want about Jolie, she’s not that stupid.

Lindsay Lohan Sr. was on the D.C. set of Salt on Sunday, running around the city with her blond hair and ginormous kneecaps.

Seriously she is so skinny right now. That suit is practically falling off her body. And I thought before that I liked her blond hair but now I’m not sure anymore. Mostly I think she needs to gain 15 pounds and then we can worry about the hair.

Look out, America! Brad and Angie are in the capital, running amok.

On Thursday, Angelina was spotted looking especially beautiful as she shot scenes for her new flick, Salt. It looks like they’ve given her a blonde look, or at least bleached her eyebrows, and it works really well on her. Then again, everything works really well on her.

Meanwhile, Brad Pitt met with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Rep. James Clyburn to discuss his Make It Right foundation, which helps build environmentally sustainable housing for low-income residents in New Orleans who lost their homes during Hurricane Katrina.

You can watch the press conference they held afterward here. Brad only speaks like ten words, but, still. He’s very sexy when he speaks them, and that’s what counts in this world.

Race car driver Danica Patrick pondered the question of the ages (literally) with US Magazine:  What actress would you want to play you in a movie about your life?

“I’ve always said Angelina Jolie would be great because she’s an action star,” Patrick, 26, told a group of Canadian bloggers. “Although I don’t quite look like her,” Patrick goes on. What about Jennifer Aniston? “I don’t think that’d be age appropriate,” she says of the He’s Just Not That Into You star, who just celebrated her 40th birthday. “She’s older than me!”

Hard to picture either of them clamoring for that role.

Isn’t it unfortunate when a celeb is tragically positioned in front of a movie poster?  She looks like she went ballistic with Ken Paves/Jessica Simpson hair extensions.  Oh well!

Ah, and not that anyone will be doing a biopic of me, but if I had to pick for myself, hmmm….Janeane Garofalo, maybe?  I asked my mother who she would cast as me and she came up with Emily Blunt.  Pass me a bottle of pills, please.  A big one.

Holy shit!

Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is growing up fast, and she’s starting to look more and more like her daddy!!! Isn’t she just a dead ringer for a mini-Brad here? At least we all know Angie wasn’t screwing around on Brad. This is DEFINITELY his little girl.

Shiloh went out with sis Zahara (who continues to get more and more beautiful) and Angelina to pick up some art supplies in Manhattan earlier today.

Could this family be any more adorable???

Oh my gosh I am so excited to have kids and do art projects with them!! I’m sure I will find a reason to put my kids in time-out so I have the art projects all to myself. I will be gluing cotton balls and sparkles and painting like crazy while they cook me dinner. Motherhood will be so perfect.