Yes, Wino’s back in the hospital, once again for an “adverse reaction to medication.” I’ll make the same joke I made last time: the medication in question is crack.

Her spokesdude says was admitted to the hospital on Sunday after suffering an allergic reaction. She is currently undergoing tests and will remain there for observation.

I’m not at all worried. Nothing can hurt Amy Winehouse. She is invincible. If it were possible for her to die, it definitely would have happened by now. Amy will outlive us all. She’s probably like those vampires in Twilight. Except instead of being a “vegetarian” vampire who only drinks animal blood, Amy is a “crackhead” vampire who only consumes crack-cocaine.

Oh, look, it’s Amy Winehouse, looking absolutely stunning and put-together.

Hey, have you seen her face close up? I just feel it’s worth showing you, because the precision on her eyeliner really deserves to be noticed. Damn, she looks really good for an octogenarian.

HOW IS THIS GIRL NOT DEAD YET? The human species is truly a resilient one. I think Amy exists to teach the world about faith. I think she’s a spiritual guide of sorts for our planet. Eckhart Tolle better watch his back. Because, look: If you’re one of those people struggling to come to grips with the presence of God in our world, take a good hard look at Amy Winehouse. A person like this does not survive on the strength of her body alone. Someone is taking good care of this bitch that she’s even breathing, let alone walking. Preach on, Amy!

Rather than be like, “Oh my Lord, she’s such a mess, she’s going to die soon!” we need to bottle what she has and sell it. You know why? Because Amy Winehouse is invincible. It’s true. She can’t die. A mere mortal would have been dead 1000 times over by now, but Amy? Still going strong! Wearing tank tops in the freezing November London weather! She’s even abandoned her magical beehive, so as to prove that all the invincibility comes from her and her alone. Nothing can kill this girl.

Very impressive, Miz Winehouse.

After a year, Amy Winehouse’s enabling husband Blake Fielder-Civil is out of jail but into rehab.  I hate to say it but his release bumps both of them up near the top of my death pool.

Really.  I know.  Shocking.  After taking the weekend off, she’s back in for “ongoing treatment“.  What rehab program lets you take a two-day break to re-up?  Isn’t there such a thing in England as involuntary commitment?  I know it’s a tough thing to achieve in the courts but wouldn’t you say Amy Winehouse would qualify?

Seriously, you guys, rather than write these things every month, I’m just going to create a software program that knows to pump them out every 4-5 weeks. I’m going to patent it and sell it to all other news agencies.

Here is a rough look at the pseudo-code:


printf("OMG you guys! Amy Winehouse went to rehab! She had some trouble with the cops because of $police_issue and so she checked herself into rehab at $london_clinic with the help of her good pal $other_druggie. Her father, Mitch Winehouse, said Amy was just going into the clinic because she was struggling with $fabricated_illness.")

WHERE

$police_issue = { 'failing to appear at a court date' | 'involvement in bar brawl' | 'ingestion of enough illegal drugs to kill Keith Richards' } && !{'cooperation'}