Amy Winehouse finally left St. Lucia and returned to Britain so she could check out her new digs.  Whilst she’s been away, a new house in North London has been set up for her in a continued effort to get her in a better environment.  Neighbors are not pleased that there is a new beehive in town.  One neighbor, upon hearing the news of Amy’s arrival, was quoted saying, “House prices have fallen enough without Amy Winehouse taking up residence.”  The people in her new neighborhood will never be able to sell their homes.  Amy Winehouse is an epic liability.

Not only is Winehouse an impossible neighbor, she’s even a pain in the ass at 30,000 feet.  On the flight from St. Lucia back to London, she attacked a fellow passenger that she suspected was committing the unforgivable sin of  looking at her strangely.  I don’t know what that bastard was thinking, glancing in her direction like that.  Winehouse jumped on the dude and had to be pulled off of him.

In conclusion, St. Lucia doesn’t want Amy.  North London doesn’t want Amy.  Every major airline doesn’t want Amy.

Amy Winehouse has returned to the U.K just days after her beloved Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake was released from prison. As you may recall, Amy has pledges to mend her marriage with Blake despite blatantly cheating on him with another (much more attractive) man, but Blake’s Mummy, Georgette Civil, is not having it.

‘He feels very let down by his wife and he’s proceeding with a divorce,

‘Amy has behaved like a trollop. Since his release there has been no contact.

‘Blake realised the marriage was doomed some time ago and I don’t believe Amy will get round him now.

‘I never want him to go back to her. It would be bad news. He’s divorcing her because she cheated on him and the sooner the marriage is over the better.’

Trollop, eh? That’s strong words coming from the mother of a man that singlehandly hooked a promising young performer on the hard stuff. It’s not as though he’s exactly blameless in the situation. I’m not sure why Amy is so bent on saving this crapfest in the first place – especially after she said this:

In an interview last month, Amy admitted she had ‘forgotten’ she was even married.

She said: ‘Our whole marriage was based on drugs anyway. He looks like me – a right mess. Almost every time I slept with him it was like I was dead.’

This is not going to end until one of them is dead. They’re like star crossed lovers, or they would be if Romeo and Juliet had been drug-addled, disillusioned, underweight, media whores with an acute aversion to bathing.

I love you guys, but, I gotta be honest — I was planning on getting out of this gig pretty soon. You see, I had tens of thousands of dollars invested in death pools worldwide, betting on Amy Winehouse to be dead by the end of the year. I figured she’d kick the bucket pretty soon, and I could cash in and move to a Bahamian island. Actually, no, I’d probably move to Hawaii or something, since everyone just seems to die when they go near the Bahamas.

Except for Amy Winehouse.

While she’s still getting drunk all the time, Amy appears not to be particularly cracked out these days, and has wisely turned control of her money over to the care of her parents.

The pop diva, trying to beat her drug problems on a long Caribbean holiday, signed when dad Mitch flew to see her.

Now she is barred from spending her own money without the say-so of Mitch or her mum Janis.

The move comes just weeks before Amy, 25, is expected to receive a £10million cheque for last year’s sales of her 2006 album Back To Black.

“Everyone is pleased because it means Amy is listening to good advice,” said a source. “It’s still her money and nobody else can touch it. But this stops her doing anything stupid. And it is evidence that Amy is really turning her life around.”

Documents lodged at Companies House show Amy is the only beneficiary of her company Cherry Westfield – she owns all 100 £1 “ordinary” shares in the firm. But on January 16 Amy, who is now being divorced by her druggie husband Blake Fielder-Civil on the grounds of infidelity, agreed “articles of association” which give her parents “B-shares” – and voting rights which restrict her actions.

Her friend Blake Wood witnessed Amy’s signature on the document, which ex-cabbie Mitch personally delivered to her St Lucia villa.

At least one of her parents – who divorced when Amy was nine – must agree to any decisions about Cherry Westfield.

Now, this isn’t exactly the scenario that Britney Spears has — her father has far more control over her life than this document gives Amy’s parents — but it’s a sign that Amy is open to taking suggestions, and possibly allowing others to help her move her life in a non-dying direction.

Which is good for Amy, but bad for anyone who had her in a death pool.

So who should my money be on now?

While totally sober Amy Winehouse continues to fuck and fucking annoy all the tourists in the Caribbean, her home in Camden was burgled.  According to police, the robbers stole guitars and recording equipment and left the scene before the police arrived.

According to her rep, Amy is very upset over the theft.  Of course she is; those valuables would have brought her lots of drug money, you know, when she pawned them.  Looks like she was beat to the punch.

Question:  why are people still talking about Amy Winehouse?

You guys think I’m kidding, but I am not.

This is probably the least insane I have seen Amy Winehouse look in years.

It’s one of the latest pictures of Amy coming from her extended vacation in St. Lucia (you can tell because she’s wearing the tourist trap T-shirt), where she’s supposedly falling in love with a local tennis instructor.

Whatever he’s doing in or out of the bedroom, it’s working. She still doesn’t look like a completely healthy human being, and she could stand to gain about 30 pounds, but her face has definitely lost its “I’m a crazy crackhead” vibe. Her skin is starting to lose the gray, and her eyes look alive again. Oh, man, I hope this is a turning point for Amy, because she didn’t have much further downhill to go.

All the crack-cocaine in the world can’t change the fact that Amy Winehouse is phenomenally talented. Here’s some amateur video of her — still on vacay in St. Lucia — singing “Puppy Love” to the new dude she’s sleeping with, a tennis instructor at the St. Lucia hotel where she was staying before she moved to a private villa.

Word on the street is that Amy has become quite the Sugar Mama in St. Lucia — spending thousands of dollars nightly buying food and drinks for a ton of hangers-on, and getting ridiculously wasted herself.

Poor girl. This incredible talent and success has been the worst thing to ever happen to her. It has allowed her to enable this addiction for far longer than the average crackhead. I really pray she can turn it around before she’s dead.

In an interview with The Sun, Amy Winehouse explains, that though she’s fucking other dudes and her husband has left her, she’s staying committed to her marriage.

I wish I could tell you that this endless stream of substance-fueled interviews would be over soon, but they probably won’t stop until she’s dead.  So, like, the end of 2009.  

I still love my Blake. I won’t let him divorce me. He’s still in jail but the moment he comes out I’ll be there waiting for him.

I love him because he’s just like me. Blake is the male version of me. We’re perfect for each other. I don’t want to go back home to England. I want to wait for Blake here.

While Blake is in jail I’m still gonna have a good time – he can’t do much about it. But once he comes out we’ll be together again. There’s some nice lads here, I am just having fun. I don’t want anybody else because I’ve got my Blake.