Archive for the ‘Amy Winehouse’ Category

Valuables Stolen From Amy Winehouse

Friday, January 30th, 2009

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While totally sober Amy Winehouse continues to fuck and fucking annoy all the tourists in the Caribbean, her home in Camden was burgled.  According to police, the robbers stole guitars and recording equipment and left the scene before the police arrived.

According to her rep, Amy is very upset over the theft.  Of course she is; those valuables would have brought her lots of drug money, you know, when she pawned them.  Looks like she was beat to the punch.

Question:  why are people still talking about Amy Winehouse?

Amy Winehouse Is Looking the Best She Has in Years

Monday, January 26th, 2009

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You guys think I’m kidding, but I am not.

This is probably the least insane I have seen Amy Winehouse look in years.

It’s one of the latest pictures of Amy coming from her extended vacation in St. Lucia (you can tell because she’s wearing the tourist trap T-shirt), where she’s supposedly falling in love with a local tennis instructor.

Whatever he’s doing in or out of the bedroom, it’s working. She still doesn’t look like a completely healthy human being, and she could stand to gain about 30 pounds, but her face has definitely lost its “I’m a crazy crackhead” vibe. Her skin is starting to lose the gray, and her eyes look alive again. Oh, man, I hope this is a turning point for Amy, because she didn’t have much further downhill to go.

Not Too Shabby!

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

All the crack-cocaine in the world can’t change the fact that Amy Winehouse is phenomenally talented. Here’s some amateur video of her — still on vacay in St. Lucia — singing “Puppy Love” to the new dude she’s sleeping with, a tennis instructor at the St. Lucia hotel where she was staying before she moved to a private villa.

Word on the street is that Amy has become quite the Sugar Mama in St. Lucia — spending thousands of dollars nightly buying food and drinks for a ton of hangers-on, and getting ridiculously wasted herself.

Poor girl. This incredible talent and success has been the worst thing to ever happen to her. It has allowed her to enable this addiction for far longer than the average crackhead. I really pray she can turn it around before she’s dead.

Quotables AKA I Totally Fucking Give Up at This Point

Saturday, January 17th, 2009

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In an interview with The Sun, Amy Winehouse explains, that though she’s fucking other dudes and her husband has left her, she’s staying committed to her marriage.

I wish I could tell you that this endless stream of substance-fueled interviews would be over soon, but they probably won’t stop until she’s dead.  So, like, the end of 2009.  

I still love my Blake. I won’t let him divorce me. He’s still in jail but the moment he comes out I’ll be there waiting for him.

I love him because he’s just like me. Blake is the male version of me. We’re perfect for each other. I don’t want to go back home to England. I want to wait for Blake here.

While Blake is in jail I’m still gonna have a good time – he can’t do much about it. But once he comes out we’ll be together again. There’s some nice lads here, I am just having fun. I don’t want anybody else because I’ve got my Blake.

Blake Wants a Divorce!!!

Monday, January 12th, 2009

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Oooh, it’s gonna get ugly.

Blake Civil-Fielder has instructed his attorney to begin divorce proceedings after Amy Winehouse went public with her relationship with a new man.

The couple do not have a pre-nup, and, considering that Amy’s adultery is well-documented, it’s possible that Blake will walk away with half of Amy’s money. Well, whatever amount of it she hasn’t put up her nose already.

This is going to be fun.

Hey, you guys, remember when I wrote about how Blake was all like “I’m breaking up with Amy to save her life! She’s better without me! I want nothing but for her to be happy!” and I was all like “This guy is soooo full of shit and neither of these two people is capable of actual love right now” and you guys ripped me a new asshole in the comments and you were all like “Oh why are you so cold-hearted to believe he can’t just love her?”

Yeah, guys.

I’m not cold-hearted. I’ve just seen this shit way too many times. Blake will love the millions of dollars he takes from her in a messy, bitter divorce battle far more than he ever loved Amy. And none of it will ever compare to how much he loves drugs.

Amy Winehouse is in Love With Something That Cannot be Snorted or Smoked

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

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Note that I didn’t say “swallowed” or “injected”?  Yep, Amy Winehouse is in love with a guy she met while on an endless St. Lucia holiday.  And who got the story?  News of the World, of course!  Take her proclamations of love and sobriety with a grain of salt, for a couple of reasons.  1)  It’s News of the World and 2)  Amy was downing tropical drinks during the whole time the reporter has been spending time with her.  It’s really long, but you can read the entire article here.

Can you imagine how thrilled this new guy’s family must be?  It’s a mother’s dream come true to have her son hook up with Amy Winehouse.  Trust me on that.

Oh, and St. Lucia isn’t that miraculous of a cure-all.  Picture is Amy’s wax figure at Madame Tussauds.  Basically, it’s all I can stand looking at.

On vacationing in St. Lucia and meeting her new love, Josh:

I don’t think I’m ever going home. I was supposed to go last week but I thought f*** that, I’m staying!

 

Especially as I met Josh here. He couldn’t be more different from my husband, which is not a bad thing.

 

Blake looks like me, a right mess. But Josh is all handsome and clean and that’s what I love about him.

 

People might think we haven’t got anything in common but I get on like a house on fire with all his family despite them being so posh.

 

When I’m with Josh I don’t need drugs to feel good because he makes me feel so amazing.

 

We just had sex. . . can’t you tell?

On Blake:

Blake was rubbish in bed. Do you know what? Almost every time I slept with him it was like I was dead.

 

I don’t know what’s going on with us now and for the time being I’ve just forgotten I’m even married.

 

I’m just here on my own, happy and having a good time with Josh. I’ll deal with Blake when I get back. But our whole marriage was based on doing drugs.

So being with someone like Josh is much better for me.

On getting clean:

Before I came out here I looked at a photo of myself in the newspaper and was horrified.

 

My skin was a spotty mess and I was so pale and skinny. I thought to myself, ‘Girl, you got to sort yourself out or you’ll be dead soon.’

 

I was depressed, doing drugs and had no life in me at all. Coming here has changed everything. We’re having a great time together along with all Josh’s family and friends and I just don’t want the holiday to end.

 

Home is hell for me. I’ve escaped from it. There are drugs everywhere. I can’t do anything without everyone thinking I’m off my head on drugs, although half the time they were right, I WAS.

But here I feel so calm and peaceful and for the first time I can definitely say I AM off the drugs. I haven’t touched anything since I arrived and I feel the best I have in years.

Amy Winehouse Figures She’s Got About Two Years Left

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

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Just when I think I’ve heard all there is to hear about Amy Winehouse, there’s more.  The end of the year offers an opportunity to look back on the past 365 days and reflect how your life has changed.  Can anyone tell me how Amy Winehouse’s life is one coke gram different than it was a year ago?

Alex Haines, the dude that Amy started screwing when her Blaaaaaake was in jail, has granted a tell-all interview to News of the World.  Can you even imagine what the People Who Share Drugs and Bodily Fluids With Amy Winehouse interview budget must be over at NOTW?  If nothing else, I love that they capitalize all the words that they feel are the most critical.  CRACK!  BREAKFAST!  HIS TOOTHBRUSH!  THROW UP!  It really makes for efficient reading.

On drugs:

Alex Haines tells how the singer smoked CRACK for BREAKFAST from pipes she made out of drinks bottles as she blew £3,500 a week on drugs in her darkest hours.

She was so desperate for every last bit she even frantically scraped the residue out with a SCREWDRIVER so it wouldn’t be wasted.

When Amy woke up the first thing she’d ask was, ‘Where’s my pipe?’.  She often made crack pipes by putting foil on top of plastic bottles and then burning the drug.

 

While she got it going I made toast with butter and a cup of tea for her. It was her normal breakfast.

 

When Amy ran out of the drug it she would cut the bottle in half and sit there on the floor completely wired, scraping the inside to get the residue with a screwdriver.

 

She had to have a heroin and crack pipe near her or she freaked out. She’d keep taking drugs until she passed out. I reckon she spent £3,500 a week on them.

 

Amy’s home in Camden, London, was a hub for drug-fuelled parties—with the singer always eager to impress her fellow addicts.

 

At one party Amy wanted to prove she was used to cocaine. So she did a line that was 20 CENTIMETRES LONG to show she was a big user.

On Amy’s eating disorder:

He also reveals how the once painfully thin diva was a secret BULIMIC—living on McDonalds and up to 10 Crunchie bars at a time. She even used HIS TOOTHBRUSH to make herself THROW UP afterwards.

Amy suffered from bulimia, which is why she looked so thin. She would have a massive McDonalds and then throw it all up in the bathroom. I found my toothbrush covered in sick, and asked her about it.

 

She went really sheepish but told me she suffered from it for a long time. Several times I went into her bathroom and saw sick all over the sink.

 

She lived off Crunchie bars—up to 10 at a time—packets of Haribo sweets and bottles of orange Lucozade Sport. Her heroin problems made her crave sugar.

On sex with Amy:

It was like having my own little porn star. Amy was so dirty—she wanted sex all the time. We did it four or five times a day and she’d even wake me up for it. She was addicted to sex like she was to drugs.  It was 6am. I woke up looked around and there she was. She pounced on me. We made love. Afterwards I said, ‘This is gonna make things difficult,’ but she replied, ‘No it’s not’.

 

We became wrapped up in one another. When I stayed at hers I would be asleep downstairs and there would be this little girl on the bed crawling towards me waking me up for sex.  But Amy could never get Blake off her mind. She would go on about him and her being together forever straight after we made love. I sat there in disbelief. We had few bust-ups over it.

On Amy cutting:

I was my job to look after her. But it was impossible. I thought she wouldn’t survive the year with all the drugs and self-harming. Cutting herself was her favourite pastime.  He was shocked by her self-harming. The first time I saw her do it was after she told Blake we’d had a fling. She cut herself with scissors from shoulder to wrist.

 

And even Amy, 25, was afraid her number was almost up.  She reckoned she would join the 27 club of rock stars who died at that age.  She told me, ‘I have a feeling I am gonna die young.’

The 27 Club is in reference to a group of musicians all who have died at the age, obviously, twenty-seven.  This clan includes Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain.  All of whom were excessive drug users.  It strikes me funny that Amy “has a feeling”  she’s going to die young as if she’s getting some telepathic download on this.

Thanks Whitney!

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