Amy Winehouse gets her tit grabbed by a female friend as she’s attempting to bum a smoke.

This is not good.

This is not good at all.

Amy Winehouse is going to die soon.

Sigh.

Amy Winehouse reportedly threw a fit and left the London hospital where she’s been treated for the past two weeks. She then partied until 4:30 in the morning and returned home to continue the party with some friends.

However, word is that the next day she checked herself back into the hospital.

I have a T-shirt that I bought at some novelty shop that says “In and Out of Rehab Like It’s My Job.” I thought it was funny, given my job, but it’s all I can think about while writing this story.

Get your shit together before you die, Amy.

My sincerest congratulations and admirations go out to Ms. Amy Winehouse, who has officially reached that elusive pinnacle of any young starlet’s career where news outlets feel compelled to write entire articles on how she was not high at a performance.

About Amy’s performance at Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday celebration:

After a short struggle to adjust her microphone, Winehouse kicked off the set with “Rehab.” The song’s lack of slurred lyrics and nonshortness of breath combined with particularly effusive backup dancers resulted in major crowd love for the singer, who curtsied and twirled for the fans before next launching straight into “Valerie,” a cover of the Zutons hit she performed on Mark Ronson’s Version.

Remarkably, she left the stage after the two tunes without incident.

Holy shit, hold the presses!

Amy Winehouse — ahem, recent Grammy winner Amy Winehouse — sang two entire songs — in public! — without a visible needle dangling from her arm. IT’S NEWS, PEOPLE!

In things-that-actually-matter news, the concert, which also included performances by Josh Groban, Leona Lewis, Queen, Annie Lennox, Stephen Fry, Quincy Jones and Lewis Hamilton (All of whom may or may not have been high! I can’t be sure! No one’s written an article about it either way!), raised funds for Nelson Mandela’s HIV/AIDS charity, which is very awesomely called 46664. That was his prison number during the twenty-seven years he spent in prison for the “crimes” he committed during his fight against apartheid. Very awesome indeed. You can learn more about 46664 and donate to the cause here.

Amy Winehouse fainted at her home on Monday, and her father, who was there, rushed her to the hospital.

“Amy was at home this afternoon when she briefly fainted. Fortunately, her manager’s assistant was there to stop her falling,” publicist Tracey Miller said. “She quickly recovered and her father Mitch took her to hospital as a precaution. Doctors are unsure of the cause of the incident and Amy is currently undergoing tests. She may be kept in overnight for observation.”

Uh, you don’t have to go to medical school to figure out what happened here. I should be Amy Winehouse’s doctor. I’d be way less puzzled about this.

So Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson were supposed to be in the studio recording the theme track to the new James Bond flick, The Quantum of Solace (to quote Lisa Simpson: “I know those words …”), but it never quite happened.

Said Mark: “We tried to work for a little bit. I’m not sure she’s ready to work on music yet.” Hottie Mark also adds that the track will, quite frankly, probably never get made “unless by some miracle of science it gets recorded and someone sings a vocal on it.”

Um, well, yeah, Mark, that’s basically the miracle of science that results in the immaculate conception of all tracks. But I think what Mark’s saying is “There is no fucking way Amy is going to pull her shit together enough to actually record a song in the studio. Maybe if we, uh, built a small studio into the corner of a bar? That might work.”

Oh, Amy. Get it together, girl.

Here’s Amy stumbling home from a pub in London last night.

There are around 40 pictures in this set. She looks like this in all of them.

And check out the nasty cigarette burn on her arm.

This girl is going to die soon if she doesn’t decide to want help.

Click here to see new video of Amy Winehouse caught smoking the ganga out on the streets of London. It’s a 4/20 miracle!

Have fun getting baked today, kids! Make sure you have plenty of Pringles and Lucky Charms on hand, and don’t smoke anything I wouldn’t smoke!

Our good ole crazy Amy is back, arriving at a restaurant in London smoking a cigarette and sporting scratches up and down her arm.

Is she still in rehab?

Because I guess it’s possible she just fell into a thistlebush (is that a real bush or did I just make it up?), but extensive scratching is typically a behavior associated with, ya know, drug use.

Sigh.

No, I wasn’t there but all the reports seem to be favorable. She looks good all the way to me at least.

More pics after the break if you’d like to decide for yourself.

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Little Miss Grammy Winner leaves a London hotel with friend Blake Wood in tow.

You know what?

She actually doesn’t look like a crackhead here. She looks almost — what’s the word I want? — nice. Healthy. Alert. Or — dare I say it? — sober.

Whatever you’re doing, Amy, keep it up, dear.

“I’m going on record as an artist who is able to critique [Amy Winehouse]. I think she has a great talent, but I don’t agree with the Grammys giving her those nods. I think it sends the wrong message, that even in the midst of her stupor of drugs she can get nominated for all these awards. It’s a slap in the face to musicians and artists who work very hard that they turn around and give it to someone who really obviously doesn’t have a grasp of what she has. I’ve been in this business over 25 years and I sacrificed five years of my own life on drugs and almost lost my life because of it. So I take great offence to almost see someone getting glory out of being in the position that they’re in – she needs to get her life together and embrace her craft, she will lose it if she doesn’t get it together.”

- Natalie Cole, at the Grammy Awards

Check out Amy Winehouse’s Grammy performance live via satellite from London.

People are saying she was loaded — I disagree. I mean, she may not be stone cold sober here, but she’s not trashed. She seems unsure of herself, almost like she’s uncomfortable being this damn sober on the stage.

Amy took home five Grammys last night, including the Best New Artist title.