Amy Winehouse is basically in St. Lucia almost all the time, save when her court dates require her to return to London.  Now, she wants to live there as a permanent resident.

If St Lucia’s former governor Jeff Fedee has his way, the residents of the Caribbean island will not roll out the welcome mat for the Rehab singer that’s in need of rehab.  Fedee wrote a letter to the St. Lucia Star in which he characterized Winehouse as a “tattooed reptile” who would bring “untold human suffering” to the island.  He continued on by stating, “I would strongly urge she be denied residency status to purchase property in St. Lucia. Is she being given special treatment? She’d be a menace and a dangerous influence to our society because the demons that inhabit her tortured body will have to be fed.”

When you are defined as a purveyor of “untold human suffering” is that considered rock bottom?

I’m serious. Every time I read a new story about this girl and the headline isn’t “Amy Winehouse Dead,” I’m a little bit shocked. There is no viable reason for her to still be alive. She is so mind-blowingly cracked out at all times. It’s strange — I lost a friend to a drug overdose a few weeks ago. He was 20 years old. He accidentally overdosed on prescription drugs. He was a strong, healthy guy — a college athlete, no pre-existing health problems. I still don’t think it’s really sunk in for me that he’s gone forever. And, yet, at the age of 25, Amy Winehouse continues to stick the crack pipe in her mouth every day and live to tell about it. Why do some people seem to survive drug abuse indefinitely, while others lose the battle early on? I guess the moral is this: Don’t do drugs. Don’t do them ever. And if you find yourself hooked, get help immediately. Don’t wait another day.

But fans in London will have to wait for another day to see Amy Winehouse perform — she’s suddenly pulled out of what was going to be her first UK performance in over a year.

“Amy Winehouse’s management has regretfully announced that Amy and her band will no longer be performing at the Shepherd’s Bush Empire,” her rep said in a statement.

“Amy would like to apologize to her fans who bought tickets for the shows.”

No reason was given for the cancellation, though yesterday Britain’s Press Association reported that Winehouse was taken to the hospital with chest pains.

While her hospitalization came in the wake of a fainting spell, the singer’s management claimed she was simply dehydrated and released shortly thereafter.

It’s the second time this month the singer’s rep has blamed a fainting spell for a doctor’s visit. It’s also the second time this month that the Grammy winner has backed out of a performance.

Who are these fans buying tickets for her show? It’s probably 100% paparazzi, looking to capture the trainwreck on camera. I have trouble believing that anyone today would be a ticket for an Amy Winehouse show and expect a good performance.

Meanwhile, Amy is being followed around by cameras for a documentary about her life titled Saving Amy. “Amy and her family will be the subject of a new documentary later this year,” said an announcement from Amy’s camp. “The journalist spent time with Amy and her family recently on St. Lucia, and in true honest to goodness Amy style, the doc will be a truthful and revealing look at her complicated lifestyle.”

Um, I don’t think her lifestyle is complicated. It goes like this: Drugs –> Hospital –> Drugs –> Hospital –> Drugs –> Hospital. What part of this is failing to register with her?

Yeah.  I’m kidding.  She’s the same chemistry project gone terribly awry that she’s always been.

Amy Winehouse Friday night at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival.

I feel like it’s really important to say “Still Alive!” right away whenever I am writing anything about Amy Winehouse.  I get the same cringing feeling I used to get back in 2007.  Whenever I would read the newest piece on Britney Spears I’d scan for the R.I.P.  And honestly, my initial response when I read that Winehouse was rushed to the hospital was, “autopsy.”

But during a time that she appears to be doing well (this picture is from a couple weeks ago), she fainted at her St. Lucia villa after running around with some kids.  The official cause is being reported as “dehydration.”

I’m totally clean-cut so I’m not down on all the druggie lingo.  Is “running with kids,” something like “chasing the dragon?”

This weekend, everyone’s favorite human ashtray, Amy Winehouse, was granted a court order banning paparazzi from coming within 100 yards of her north London home to take pictures of her. Which is okay with me, because unless crack has a home delivery service, she’s got to leave there sometime.

Upon hearing the court’s decision, Amy was so overcome by methamphetamine fumes joy that she passed right the hell out. Actually, she was in a different country and probably had no idea what was happening in the courts back in England… or anywhere, for that matter.

The trouble-plagued British songbird was hospitalized for dehydration on Friday in St. Lucia, where she’s headlining the annual jazz festival next week.

Her spokesman confirms that Amy spent the night in the hospital after fainting at her Caribbean home. He said that prior to passing out, she was “running around” with children and failed to drink enough water.

Headlining the Jazz Festival?? Oh, that’s right! When she’s not accidentally tipping over pots of half-cooked ready rock and horribly burning herself, she makes music or something sometimes. I had completely forgotten.

Amy was spotted walking on the beach in St. Lucia with an enormous burn scar on her leg. According to some sources, Amy was cooking a pot of pasta when the pot full of boiling water fell on her. Somehow I doubt that’s the entire story, but something tells me Amy got lucky here. It probably could have been a whole lot worse, whatever it was she was doing.

I hadn’t seen a picture of her in awhile, so I figured she’d secretly died on St. Lucia and they’d buried her and we’d all moved on, but NO! She’s back in London, and she’s alive, and she actually looks half-decent!

Amy was checking out the Bat for Lashes show at the Hard Rock in London on Monday night, and photogs snapped her on her way out. Sure, she’s holding some dude’s hand, but she seems to be supporting her own body weight pretty well, and in heels! Her face looks cleaner and more alert, too. Maybe, just maybe, this girl’s gotten some real help and is getting on the right track. Fingers crossed!