Kellie Last Night
Yes. Yes, she did. That is not a push-up bra, that is not weight gain (although she did gain weight). That, my friends, is what we in the business call “breast implants.” I liked you better when you were less manufactured, Kellie, and I mean that both literally and figuratively.
The first eight minutes are a recap. That’s brutal.
Then they all come out singing “Joy to the World?” Lord, do they hate us? This was a bad song when it came out. It was a bad song the day after. It’s a bad song now too and the Idol kids aren’t making it any better. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me. There, now it’s in your head too.
Next up, elimination time. The guys are on the spot. Chris Sligh and Sundance Head are going to be back for more. Blake the beatboxer is safe. Seacrest brings the tall guy, Jared, down to the floor but then tells him he’s safe. Oh Seacrest, you and your little games.
Then, without warning, Nick is going home! Who is Nick? I don’t remember him. Hmmm, maybe that’s why he’s headed home. All the judges tell him he shouldn’t kill himself. Yet. He sings “Fever.” Whatever.
It’s the girls’ time to fret. Stephanie (Beyonce) is safe. Gina is safe. Sabrina is safe. The little sparkplug Melinda is safe. Alaina is going home! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Sigh. I found her very cute and perhaps even a little clever. Time for her to sing us out. Oh no, she’s breaking up captain, we’ve got tears. PAINFUL. SHE CAN’T SING THROUGH THE TEARS!!!
Oh wow. I really am in pain. The background singers chime in, but it’s all silence from her, she’s just hugging all her fellow gals who have joined her on stage to save her. So BRUTAL. She starts singing again. American Idol, you fuckers. I knew this would happen eventually, how can you ask someone to sing after you’ve shattered them? Plus, why make them sing the song that got them booted? Yikes, thank God that is over.
The guy who won 10k from the Idol cell phone scam looks like he escaped from the zoo.
PICKLER time! She has short hair and a boob job. Is it a crazy style bra? Moving on. Wow, she looks way different. We’ve determined that she either had work done or she’s gotten fatter. She’s also doing a comedy bit with Ryan about sushi. This is bad news, she’s been produced and destroyed. Poor Pickler. The real her didn’t survive, plus, based on her singing, she’d be about 17th this year.
Guy death time. Got to be Sanjaya right? He’s got an odd asexual weirdo jacko vibe going. I’m convinced with the right producer they could make something of him. He’s too strange to not be famous. But wait, AJ Tabaldo gets the boot! The human chia pet is down, and he shares a strange hug with Sanjaya. Hey wait a sec, I know what’s going on here, his last name is Tabaldo. Idol hates Latinos right?
Okay, final death of the evening. Will the hooker go home? With her pouty lips and her photogenic smile? Let’s see. Antonella, Jordin, and Leslie step to the front of the stage. Antonella is safe. Leslie is going home. Crap. She was my other favorite, I kid you not. Why do voters not like the quirky people? Leslie was a little off, and I liked that. Gina is balling, clearly she was buds with Leslie.
I’m now a man without an Idol. I don’t know where to put my allegiance. I’m a free agent.
I think I’m throwing in with Sanjaya because I get this awful feeling that if he loses his life will take a turn where he will EAT people after he murders them.
Crap, I’m now resorting to caps for punchlines.
Time to go to bed.
We’re back. Top ten girls. Randy’s in another one of those never-to-be-worn-on-television patterned shirts. Which is forgivable in comparison to Ryan, who is wearing lavender.
Gina Glocksen. We’re still dedicating, and this one goes out to her boyfriend. “Alone.” I’m not loving the beginning, but she kicks it up toward the end. She’s a little off on a few of the notes, but I like her. She’s got spunk. She’s wearing this red prom dress she got at Forever 21, and it doesn’t really fit the song, let alone her, but whatever. I think there’s a guitar pick on her charm necklace, and that’s cool. Everyone liked her, but Simon thought her vocals were forced at the end. He mentions that her outfit doesn’t fit the song. I should judge this show.
Alaina Alexander. Dedicated to robots! No, her mom. These people are so predictable. “Not Ready to Make Nice,” which is risky because this song gets so much radio play these days. But I have to hand it to this girl: she rocks this shit out … at first. Vocally a little shaky at the end, but I like her, too. She got the memo from the Oscars about no necklaces. Randy hated the vocals. Paula says it was shaky but not as bad as Randy said. Simon mentions that she ran out of steam.
LaKisha Jones is wearing the costume you put on when you have to be at a Halloween party in twenty minutes and you forgot to buy an actual costume. I call it “slutty pumpkin.” It’s this bright orange shirt and short dark denim skirt, with leopard-print shoes. It’s possible the shirt is actually red in person, but these people need to check their outfits on camera first. Dedicated to her grandmother, who I cannot freakin’ believe is nearly 90 years old. Honestly, she doesn’t look a day over 65. I work with people who look older than this woman. “Midnight Train to Georgia.” This girl has hands-down the best voice in this competition, she makes it seem effortless, and she’s a great performer to boot. Everyone liked her. Paula’s sober. Bummer. Simon didn’t like her outfit. Oh, Simon calls the shirt “orange,” so I guess that’s what it is. Ryan calls it “salmon,” and it’s embarrassing for him primarily because a straight man would never use that word to describe anything but a fish, and also because that shirt is definitely not salmon.
Melinda Doolittle. Aw, dedicated to her two best friends, which is way better than dedicating to a boyfriend. It’s not robots, but so far she wins my vote for best dedication. “My Funny Valentine.” It’s a great song for showing off her voice. She has an incredible range, and her voice is very mature. Man, I really like her, too. I like a lot of the girls this season. I don’t even have anything mean to say about her clothes. Randy loved her. Paula thinks she’s “out of this world.” Simon thought it was “incredible.” Simon’s like, “We’ve had some precocious little monsters on this show,” in praise of Melinda’s low-ego approach, but someone needs to start a band called Precocious Little Monsters. A band or a Montessori.
Antonella Barba. Dressed for her Austin Powers: The Spy Whose Dick I Sucked audition. Dedicated to her brother, who is totally adorable. “Because You Loved Me.” We’re three notes in. This will not end well. This song is so much bigger than her. Honestly, she’s about 500 times better than she was last week, but this girl shouldn’t even dream of pitting her voice against Celine Dion’s. Randy starts with “On the positive side, you are drop-dead gorgeous.” That’s a bad sign. “That song was completely the wrong song, way too big for you.” Paula mentions she was way better than last week. Simon thinks she was worse than last week, which I’d disagree with.
Jordin Sparks. Also to her brother. Copy-cat. “Reflection,” like the one from Mulan. I was scared for her at first, because Christina Aguilera’s a tough act to follow, but she pulls it off. She got the no-necklace memo. Yeah, she does a great job with a very difficult song. She’s crying after watching the film piece about her brother. Holy shit, I forgot she was 17. Randy mentions it as he praises her. Paula loves her. Simon thought it was “excellent.”
Ryan mentions that Kellie Pickler will perform on the results show tomorrow. “She’s always fun,” he says, “and candid,” which is probably the best euphemism ever for the way Kellie Pickler speaks.
Stephanie Edwards, who I have to admit I don’t even remember from last week, for whatever that’s worth. Dedicated to mom and dad. “Dangerously in Love.” She actually sounds a lot like Beyonce, now that I pay attention to it. I don’t know if this is a good song choice, just because it’s not particularly melodic. It’s more chant-y. It doesn’t really show off a voice. She does an incredible run toward the end, but it’s just not a performance I’ll remember tomorrow. She also got her dress at Forever 21. But no necklace. Randy mentions that she sounded exactly like Beyonce, and he thinks she needs to be more original. Paula thought she was brilliant. Simon loved it. Randy, embarrassed to have been disagreed with, quickly mentions that he’s worked with Beyonce. Paula falls over in exasperation. Heh.
Leslie Hunt, to her late grandfather. She has this really low speaking voice with a kinda stoner-cool edge to it (not that drugs are cool, kids). In her film clip, she’s wearing the same necklace she wore to perform last week. It’s a cool necklace, but you gotta be cognizant of these things, dear. “Feelin’ Good,” which, um, A.J. Tabaldo sang last night, so this is weird. I really liked her last week, but she’s not doing it for me this week. She tries scatting at the end, which, um, Blake Lewis did last night, too, and which she doesn’t do nearly as well as he does. Randy thought it was pitchy, which it was. Paula liked it. Simon’s like “I know why you loved her,” to Paula, then, to Leslie, “because, that bit at the end, you sounded like Paula talking.” I wonder how long Simon’s been sitting on that joke.
Hayley Scarnato, who’s another one I don’t remember from last week. Dedicated to her fiance, who’s super hot. “Queen of the Night.” She does a respectable job with the song, but, again, I won’t remember this girl tomorrow. Randy wasn’t impressed. Paula thought she was way better than last week. Simon gives her an A for effort, but wasn’t too impressed vocally. Hayley looks like she’s going to cry. Then she cries. Oh, poor baby.
Sabrina Sloan. Dedicated to her grandmother. It’s actually a very sweet dedication. “All the Man I Need.” She looks gorgeous. She does a killer job with the song, too. I like her. She’s on my A+ list. Oh shit, and she turns around to thank the band when she’s done. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a contestant do that. Very classy of her. Randy and Paula love her. Simon thought it was the wrong song, but thinks she’ll stick around another week.
So my money’s on Leslie Hunt to go home, and probably Alaina Alexander, too, but maybe Hayley Scarnato. Vocally Antonella should go home, but you know that girl is stickin’ around. Results tomorrow.
Tonight is all about the top ten men. Ryan Seacrest (vest check comes up negative) kicks things off by being the bigger man (perhaps the only context in which this is true), by congratulating Jennifer Hudson on her Oscar win, even though she failed to thank AmIdol in her speech. (Side note: I did a Google blogsearch for “Jennifer Hudson thank American Idol” to confirm that she did indeed snub them, and was asked by Google if I meant to query “Jennifer Hudson tank American Idol.”) Ryan introduces the guys, then says hello to the girls in the pit. Antonella Barba is there, fully clothed and without a cock in her mouth, so that’s nice.
The contestants have been asked to dedicate their performances to the “people who inspire them.” You know, so that we can do things like thank the troops. And Phil Stacey wastes no time in doing that. He’s dedicating his performance to his Navy command back home. He’s singing “Missing You,” and doing it quite well, although unremarkably. They recast Chris Daughtrey this season. Like when Sarah Chalke was New Becky. He’s New Chris Daughtrey. Randy loved it. Paula — who may be drunk tonight!! yay!!! — loved it. Simon’s not too excited, because, you know, it wasn’t too exciting.
Coca-Cola Red Room. Ryan asks Sundance what people were talking about over the weekend, after being featured on the show. “Antonella Barba,” he responds, “and that dick she sucked.” Except, much to my dismay, he says something else.
Jared Cotter is dedicating his performance to his mom and dad. I have this feeling we’re just going to alternate between the troops and family members, as far as dedication goes. I hope someone dedicates their performance to the memory of Anna Nicole Smith. Or, like, robots. Singing “Let’s Get it On.” Vocally he’s just fine, with some weakness on the higher notes. He really is a great-looking kid. It was a good performance, but this song just has to be oozing with sex, and I don’t know if he brought that.
I think Paula’s drunk tonight. Happy dance! Oh, yes, she’s definitely drunk. “That’s the kind of song that you don’t have to push … on … well, no pun intended,” she says, then starts cracking up. Simon, realizing we are dangerously close to Paula describing the benefits of girl-on-top sex on live family television, cuts her off entirely. Because, you know, she’s drunk. YAY!!
“And the things we’ve all done to that song,” says Ryan, because we are eighteen minutes into the show and have abandoned any sense of decorum.
A.J. Tabaldo. Mom and dad. And ROBOTS! No. Just mom and dad. “Feelin’ Good.” Vest check comes up positive, with the oddest green collared shirt beneath it (with the sleeves rolled up), and then a black undershirt beneath that. Like, “I’ll kick yo ass, right after I bring this gentleman his truffle.” The boys are much, much better so far tonight. Blows a high note, and his second-to-last run is a little flat, but in general it’s a good performance. Everyone, including Simon, says nice things about him.
Sanjaya Malakar. Dedicating his performance tonight to weed. And his late grandfather. “Steppin’ Out with My Baby.” He’s wearing this top hat, which I think is supposed to match the jazzy nature of the song, but coupled with his dark skin and soft voice, he’s a dead ringer for Michael Jackson right now. He is horribly uncomfortable on stage, his voice is mediocre at best, and this is painful to watch. The judges didn’t like him. The audience boos half-heartedly. You know, it’s possible Paula is not drunk, but rather just hungover. I’m getting more of a hangover vibe from her. It’s the way the words catch in her throat.
Chris Sligh. Dedicated to his wife, Sarah, who is about 100 times hotter than he is. He points this out himself. Singing “Trouble,” which is a really cute song to sing after that dedication, actually. Vocally, though, he is really not impressing me. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon liked it. His wife is adorable.
Nick Pedro. To his girlfriend. Awww. “You Give Me Fever,” and in the middle they cut to a shot of the drummer hitting the cymbals, then giving the camera a “how’d ya like that?” look, and it’s easily the most interesting part of this segment. Randy liked it. Paula liked it. Simon mentions that he lacked charisma. “I thought the drummer was very good,” he adds. Ha. Nick makes his own “Vote for Pedro” call, which was funnier when Ryan made it last week and it, you know, hadn’t been done last week.
Blake Lewis. Mom and dad. And robots? No. No, not robots. “Virtual Insanity.” Oh Jesus, some girl in the audience is wearing a shirt with a pin-up silhouette graphic and the words “Blaker girl,” which might awesome if it said “Blaker chick.” I like Blake. This is a risky song choice, and he’s making it work, even inserting his own beat-boxing and scatting in there. Randy and Paula loved it. Simon thought it was copy-cat and vocally weak. And now the strangest thing happens. Blake says “vocal entendres” and pronounces the “s” sound, which is wrong, as is the entire use of that word in this context, but Blake pronounces the final “e” sound correctly, as a short vowel. “Vocal entendree?” says Ryan, as though Blake had pronounced a long e sound. He then makes fun of Blake for saying “vocal entendree,” although Blake didn’t say that, and then pronounces the word correctly, because he’s an ass. I have to stop watching this show. It makes my head explode.
Brandon Rogers. To his late grandmother, the robot. “Time After Time.” Did someone besides Cyndi Lauper sing this? Because this is a very different take on it. I’m totally digging it. He rocks the little riff toward the end. Randy didn’t think it showed him off vocally. Paula — I’m officially going with “really hungover” as her diagnosis for tonight — liked it. Simon thinks he needs to make a bigger impact. Brandon’s like “By the way, it’s my dad’s birthday today,” and Simon’s like, “Brandon, it’s my mom’s birthday in November.” I laughed out loud. “And I love puppies,” adds Simon. Sigh. I love Simon. He’s looking at Ryan like, “See? That’s how you do funny.”
Chris Richardson. Grandma back in Virginia, who’s still alive, and pretty darn adorable in pictures. “Geek in the Pink.” Shit. This is the first Jason Mraz I’ve ever heard on the show, and he gets mad points from me just for trying. Unfortunately, Jason Mraz songs have this quality of Jason Mraz-ness, and it’s hard for someone else to pull them off. He does quite well, but he’s no M-R-A-Z. Randy thought it was better than the original, so I go back to listen again. I disagree, although he did do quite well. Oh my God. So something happens that moves Paula to put a pink Valentine heart on Simon’s chest. But, see, it’s a heart with another heart overlaid on the upper right-hand corner of the existing heart, and when the camera moves back, away from the details of it, it looks like a cock and balls. If someone has a screen shot, kindly send it along. “Well, you’ve been invaluable tonight, Paula,” says Simon, as he removes the heart and tells Chris that he was awesome tonight.
Sundance Head. Dedicated to his robot son Levy. Oh, he chokes up on camera because he’s bummed that he’s missing all these milestones in his baby’s life. That was cute. “Mustang Sally.” He does a nice job with the song. I like Sundance. Randy loved it. So did Paula. So did Simon.
So, Sanjaya should have gone home last week, and, if he doesn’t go home this week, I’m just confused. None of the other guys were particularly bad this week, but if I were choosing, I’d send Nick Pedro home with him.
So The Beet will cover AI in all of its homo-tastic glory but seriously Simon Cowell just called out Ryan totally gaying it up.
Here is their verbal intercourse discussing Nick Pedro’s outfit.
Ryan:
“What would you dress him up in, just so he has some guidance”
Simon:
“I’m not a stylist”
Ryan:
“A black shirt maybe something tight snug, rub a little of the chest” (as he rubs his chest)
Simon:
“Lets just calm this one down a bit Ryan”
Now I know they were trying to reference Simon oddly rubbing his chest during the auditions but Simon’s smirk tonight said it all. Let the games begin Simon loves to call Ryan out and I love it.
“They were meant to be seen by one person and one person only,” Coluccio said at her Holmdel home. “The really bad ones aren’t her. I’ve studied them. It’s not her nose. She’s never had (acrylic nail) tips in her life. She’s the least slutty person I know.”
Coluccio, who speaks with Barba daily, says they believe someone from Catholic University broke into her computer and posted the pictures.”She’s been crying. She’s horrified,” Coluccio says. “She’s most upset about what her parents think.”
“‘We both went to fulfill a dream but were made into characters,” she said. “‘American Idol’ is the fakest show on TV. We’re so real and down-to-earth, and I wish people could see that.”
This girl loves to have people take naughty pictures of her. This isn’t no normal trashy drunk Jersey girl having a few too many on Spring Break…these photos just keep coming. A lot of these look like Antonella was trying to get herself a spread in Playboy.
I promise you that this girl will be in the porn world very quick. She’s the #1 search on the internet right now and “someone” just posted a whole website of Antonella photos called AntontellaBarbaPix.com
Some of these photo shoots are so weird. I think she is naked in a fountain at some kind of monument. How or why she did this remains to be seen. The girl is a total exhibitionist of Paris Hilton proportions. If poor Frenchie got kicked off for her naked pix this girl should get the boot pronto.
At least she’s hot. That is really all this poor girl has going for her.
Ed Update: POTP just pointed out that, in the first shot, she’s reproducing the Jessica Simpson Rolling Stone cover. Good catch over there, Joy!
Ed Update 2: HOLY SHIT. That last one? Guys? The last one there? That’s the WORLD WAR II Memorial. I am not fucking kidding you. CLASSY!
Re-read the headline. It’s a statement I would have made and stood by regardless, but I would have meant it in regards to her vocal ability. How that little hooker squeaked through last night is a mystery to me, but I actually don’t mind if shit like this is going to keep popping up, because it cracks me up. Someone emailed the kids at IDLYITW with these photos. Is this Antonella? You make the call. I’ve posted her AmIdol publicity shot, and these pictures of a very similar-looking young woman performing fellatio on a man who might want to think about doing some sit-ups. It sure does look like her, buck teeth and all.
Perhaps the new Idol Camp could add a “Masters Class” on this shit.
Update: Uncensored versions now here.
