Congrats to Jordin Sparks America’s New Idol! It was pretty obvious that she was going to win for the past few weeks. I gotta give her snaps for being the first Idol winner from the great state of Arizona. It was a very long show filled with some pretty awesome performances and a very weird time-filler called the “Golden Idol Awards.” I, unlike the Evil Beet, never really wanted to have sex with Blake Lewis but tonight he really brought down the house with his duet with Doug E Fresh.

Sanjaya! Also performed with a wind machine. Jesus…just when I didn’t think this show could get any more bizzare. Taylor Hicks looks adorable now after losing some weight. I really also think that every C-lister in Hollywood was on hand for the Idol Finale. Jordin also performed with Ruben Studdard who thankfully, unlike Ryan, makes her look tiny.

17 year-old Jordin is the youngest winner in Idol history. I’m interested in seeing what her album will be like. The Idol machine will, I’m guessing, have her drop 30 pounds and she will be on the cover of People in a few months under the headline “How Jordin Got Healthy and Fit!” She will then say that a high protein diet and “the crazy schedule” of her Idols tour help her lose the weight.

It’s the big night, kids. We’re in the Kodak Theater. Blake vs. Jordin. Or, you know, Jordin. With Blake there.

Denise Richards is in the audience, because now that Simon’s engaged she should definitely try to have sex with him.

Let’s introduce the judges. Randy is wearing what I imagine guerilla army generals in the Congo wear once they’ve retired. Paula is there, with hair extensions. Simon and Randy both point at her, and she grabs their fingers. They’re looking at her lovingly. I think Paula had been getting sober this season, and she fell off the wagon (and, yes, into a chihuahua); the guys seem very supportive right now. It’s heartwarming, actually. Simon winks at Ryan. Now, just so we can get it out of the way, Ryan asks Paula to tell him about the nose injury. Paula explains that she tripped over her dog, Tulip. Now the camera goes to Ryan, and you can see him kind of smirking, and he’s opening his mouth, about to talk, when Randy interrupts with “What sort of dog is it?” Paula continues that “Tulip’s fine, she was snoring,” and Ryan jumps in with the thing he’s been planning to say since he heard about this last night: “So the bitch is okay.” Because he can. Everyone gasps. Because “bitch” has several meanings in English. Get it? Sigh. It’s going to be a long hour.

We take a second — or, you know, five minutes — to remind the audience that, despite what Simon said about Seattle, both the finalists auditioned there (although Jordin is from Arizona). We get a little retrospective on both contestants’ journeys, because we have an hour to fill here, people. And, much as we’d like to, we can’t just spend all of it plugging On The Lot. Which, by the way, is pre-empting my darling House tonight. So, you know, fuck that.

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Now that Jordin Sparks is in the “American Idol” finals a few people are questioning her rise to fame. Some have started to question if the producers helped her along her way and essentially set up to eventually make it into the finale.

Her first meeting with Simon was not at her Seattle audition. She also has won a few competitions leading up to her Idol experiences that were sponsored by Coke and Ford (Idol’s biggest sponsors).

This article outlines her road to the Idol finals. Thought it doesn’t cry foul at the outset it does bring up some interesting points.

Sparks won Coke’s rising star award in 2004. The power of a huge sponsor is undeniable, but no actual connection between Coke and Idol with regards to Sparks has been established, so this point is more conspiracy buff fodder than the type of tidbit that sounds alarms.

Another item that has been highlighted is the fact that Jordin Sparks won the local FOX-sponsored Arizona Idol contest. The grand prize for that contest was a Ford Fusion (another huge Idol sponsor), and a trip to Seattle to audition. Some folks, especially paranoid ones, are taking this to mean that Sparks sidestepped the auditoriums full of hopefuls to get an audience with Randy, Simon, and Paula.

Of course she didn’t audition in the auditorium. Even if she didn’t go directly to Simon and Paula I’m almost 100% sure that every producer knew to put her through to Simon/Paula day.

I’m guessing she will win, and maybe she was set up for it but I think that she deserves it. She is from Arizona, which is awesome in my book (and the Beet’s as well) and she has been pounding the pavement for her big break for a few years now. AZCentral has a great article also about her as well.

Go Jordin! I am a Blaker Girl myself but I think that Jordin deserves the crown, no matter how she got here.

We’ve got nine songs tonight, kids. The judges pick one, the producers pick one, and the contestants pick one. We’ve only got an hour, so we’re wasting no time on filler.

Jordin’s kicking us off. The Mayor of her hometown, Glendale, Arizona (WOOO HOOO AZ!!!!) reads Simon’s song choice for her. Simon’s selected “Wishing on a Star” for Jordin. Upon hearing the news, Jordin reacts with the kind of glee that just screams “I have never heard of this song in my life.” On stage, she’s wearing a cute little baby-doll dress, but they’ve got her hair back in those little pube-curls, and she doesn’t look as good as she has the past few weeks. She seems really nervous, and her voice starts out a little shaky. She’s making her little Jordin faces, which is adorable. It’s nothing spectacular, but it’s a good performance. I have no idea what is on Randy’s shirt. I believe it’s some sort of seashell pattern, with starfish and whatnot, but every now and then there’s an occasional vagina. I think these are intended to be clams or oysters, but, from this angle, it’s just like starfish, starfish, labia. He thought the vocals were strong. Paula liked it. Simon didn’t like the arrangement of the song he chose, which isn’t Jordin’s fault, but he thought it wasn’t one of her better performances. Talking to Ryan, Jordin admits that she had, in fact, never heard of the song before. I’m so good. Ryan says, “When we come back, we’ll hear the judge’s picks for Blake and for Smelinda.” That’s not a typo. He actually says “Smelinda.” I played it back three times to make sure.

Blake’s in Bothell, Washington. I’m pretty sure the Mayor of Bothell went to high school with Blake. They look about the same age. Paula chose his song: “Roxanne,” by The Police. It’s a great pick for Blake. He’s wearing denim pants, a blue collared shirt and a retarded vest. And he’s still got the tat on his wrist. I think it’s real. Boooo. He’s off-key for a bit in there. He’s doing some dancing, but no beat-boxing. I’m sure this was a hectic week for them, what with the trips back home and the three songs. The unfortunate result is that none of the performances tonight are likely to be stellar. Blake finishes by accidentally dumping the mic out onto the stage. It bounces around and the audio catches each bump before the sound guys turn it off. Ah, live TV. Randy gives him an A. Paula thought it was fantastic. Simon thought it was good but not great.

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Jesus, how many more of these are left? Three hours sleep last night — the insomnia is back — but I’m feeling pretty good and rearin’ to go.

Ryan starts out by saying that there are “three girls, and only one guy.” The camera pans across their faces — Jordin grins, Melinda fake-grins, LaKisha fake-grins, and Blake looks like you just told him you’d actually love it if he’d put it in your ass, and please don’t use a condom, because it won’t feel as good and it’s not like you can get pregnant that way.

This is American Idol!

Oh man. Everyone’s singing twice tonight. All the music comes from Barry Gibb, who I guess started as a member of the BeeGees, which makes sense because his initials are B.G. Huh. I feel like I learned something today. So basically, kids, prepare yourself for an evening of the songs your parents listen to. Or, for some of you, your grandparents, because your parents are, like, my age. Because I’m old. But let’s not dwell on that.

Ryan’s all like, “We are so going to run over time tonight. And that’s awesome because it’s my responsibility to keep us running on time, and I’m the one who takes shit in notes because Randy has to name-drop and Paula has to slur and then Simon has to berate everybody and every week, somehow, this is my fault. And yet, strangely, I still don’t have a producer credit on this show. Can someone explain that? Seriously. Jesus.”

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Phil Stacey might be missing the Top 10 Idols Tour to go to Iraq. The 29 year-old new father said that he does have a commitment to the military and even though they have been flexible with his Idol schedule he always could be called up to duty according to his AOL TV Tattler exit interview.

My primary responsibility is to the United States Navy. The possibility exists that they’ll need me for a mission, and if that’s the case, I’m committed to following it through. So far, they’ve been 100 percent flexible and a huge support base for me.

Phil obviously would be quite disappointed, as would his Idol fans that kept him in this long if he got called up.

The last that I spoke to my commanding officer, things looked very promising that I’d be able to go on the tour. I’m not really worried about it at this point. But it would break my heart to not be able to go. But I’ve got a duty and what’s important is that I fulfill my responsibility to the Navy.

I do hope he gets to do the tour. It would be a bit of a buzz-kill if you had to go from being a huge star to a war zone. He also just had a little baby and it would be sad if he couldn’t just enjoy his brief shot at fame with his family.

Lord knows plenty of girls across America wanted a shot at Chris Richardson, but it’s possible he’s not exactly the best boyfriend in the world. Star Magazine reports that the recently ousted Idol may be cheating on his girlfriend back in Virginia with Lauren Conrad, and that he started dating the Virginia girlfriend while she was still married! According to the mag:

Rumor has it that booted AI contestant Chris Richardson may soon be dating The Hills hottie Lauren Conrad behind the back of his hometown girlfriend, Gayle Barnett. And that’s a situation Chris is already used to, says a source- who claims Chris and Gayle began romancing while her then husband was fighting in Iraq! “Gayle was still married when she first met Chris in the early summer of 2003, when he was hired as a fry cook at the Hooters in his hometown of Chesapeake, Va.,” the source tells Star. “They started dating, and they didn’t try to keep it a secret. Gayle was still wearing her wedding ring, and everyone knew she was married, including Chris. Apparently neither of them cared.” Local Virginia newspapers recently featured a number of interviews with Gayle, 26, who is always describes as Chris’s “girlfriend of four years.” But according to Virginia Beach Circuit Court documents, in her June 2005 divorce filing against her husband, she lists their separation date as September 2004- more than a year after the source says she and Chris began dating!

What is it with AmIdol and Hooters? That’s where Sanjaya’s sister worked, too.

Whatever, I’m a Blake girl anyway.

Since the show decided to be total pussies last week and put the American public’s thirst for blood behind African children’s thirst for, well, water, we still have six contestants to deal with this week. Luckily, two of them are going home tomorrow.

According to Ryan, donations from last week raised “almost 70 million dollars.” Because, you know, more of you voted for American Idol contestants than voted in the last presidential election. But that’s cool. Why concern yourselves with the fate of our nation when the fate of Jordin Sparks is in your hands?

Tonight is Bon Jovi night. Remember Bon Jovi, Jordin? No, no you don’t. Remember when Slippery When Wet was released? No, you don’t, because you weren’t going to be born for over three more years. In other news, I have officially started menopause.

Bon Jovi thinks they should “make the songs your own.” Thank God someone finally told them that. It’s really the key piece of advice they’ve been missing.

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