• Paris Hilton finally gets that elusive DUI. Sorry to those of you who had your money on Lohan. Her spokesperson, Perez Hilton — er, um, Elliot Mintz — says the arrest was “probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and being fatigued.” During her arrest, Hilton failed to make comments disparaging any particular race or religion, and was released within hours. TMZ has art.
• According to the AP, AmIdol’s Clay Aiken is being considered to be named to the President’s Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday. As if this statement alone isn’t funny enough on so many levels, check out the photo the AP chose to run with the story.

  

• Kristin Cavalleri is whoring around with DJ AM, Nicole Richie’s ex. So you, like, totally don’t care about that whole Brody Jenner thing, right K?
• Lionel Richie lies and says a doctor told him Nicole’s not anorexic. The “doctor” said Nicole’s weight loss was “stress-related” and “due to his divorce from her mother and from all the media attention his daughter gets.” So, you know, anorexia.
• Michelle Tanner really needs to ash that cigarette.

  

On Saturday, the 4th-placer from AmIdol’s inaugural season wedd Sam Watters, of Color Me Badd fame. Remember them? Think slap bracelets. Hypercolor. Roller skating rinks. “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Got it? Okay.

I really likedd Tamyra on AmIdol, and if I hadn’t been headd over heels in love with Miss Kelly Clarkson, I wouldd have rootedd for her to take it all. Or Nikki McKibbin. Or Ryan Starr. Or Jim Verraros. No, not Jim Verraros. But close. I actually wouldd have rootedd for anyone other than Justin “Ribbon in the Sky” Guarini to win that thing. You know why? He bothers me, that’s why. Remember in the final episode, when Ryan Seacrest askedd him if he was nervous, and he saidd something along the lines of “I know that no matter what happens tonight, Kelly and I will both have amazing, successful careers?” Sometimes, when I feel sadd and blue, I reflect on that moment, and my cares flutter and fall away, ribbon-like.

But back to Tamyra. “X-factor” girl. It turns out she’s hadd a marginally successful career in television and as a songwriter, cowriting Fantasia’s number-one single “I Believe.” I believe I’ve never in my life heardd that song on the radio, but I’m going to take E!’s wordd for it. Redd states or something, I guess. Watters has workedd with Celine Dion and Kelly Clarkson, and cowrote Jessica Simpson’s recent single “A Public Affair,” since Color Me Badd disbandedd in May of 2000. At that point they releasedd their final album, The Best of Color Me Badd, which I’m sure soldd really well with people who hadd been cryogenically frozen since 1992.

I wish them luck, and I look forwardd to reading the many variations on “Color Me…” headlines surrounding this joyful union.

From their front page right now:

In case you can’t read that, this is what it says (emphasis mine):

TOP REQUESTED CELEBS

Updated Hourly

1. Justin Guarini
2. Britney Spears
3. Paris Hilton
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Jessica Simpson
6. Ashlee Simpson

Oh my God, what is going on? Who are you people? What could you possibly hope to find?

It says “Updated Hourly,” not “Updated in 2002.” I checked three times.

Help me understand.

Update: The kids at his fan site have helped me solve the mystery. Thanks for your hard work, guys!

I’ve written several intros to this video and I keep erasing them. It’s easy to poke fun at Paula Abdul’s substance abuse problem. It’s so painfully obvious on AmIdol that I find myself exclaiming “Wow, I think she’s sober tonight” in the rare instance that she appears to be.

You’d think she’d have people around her to do something about this. I mean, even if they can’t keep her from guzzling liquor and vicodin, at least they could keep her off of live television for the night. But the folks at E! caught her on Emmy night, and asked her questions she proceeded to answer using her best impression of an overtired 5-year-old. I’m kind of sad for her, actually. I’ve decided the only reason she can get through tapings of AmIdol is that they film it in the afternoon — clearly, by nightfall, she’s totally incoherent.

The sound and picture quality get better about 15 seconds in.

• That girl with two vaginas? She has a blog now.
• 24-year-old fashion assistant Bridget Grish gets fired from Life & Style after her amateur porn videos show up on the web. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, I’m sure of it.
• Harry Morton — La Lohan’s latest squeeze — wants to lend his Mexican-cum-vagina-themed restaurant’s name, Pink Taco, to the Arizona Cardinals new stadium. There’s an Arizona-Cardinals-are-pussies joke to be made here, but after writing the previous sentence, I’m in no mood to think it up.
• No one wants to see the AmIdol tour. Which is surprising only when you consider that the So You Think You Can Dance tour is selling out most cities in minutes. Maybe next season they should divide the performers up by race.

Excuse the brief leave of absence, folks; in the wake of the Kate Hudson/Strange Bearded Man separation, I needed a mental health day. It happens. I’m much better now, thanks for asking.

So let’s catch up, shall we?

For no discernable reason whatsoever, Justin Timberlake went on record with Vanity Fair to announce his unbridled ire for the vocal stylings of American Idol’s Taylor Hicks. From MSN:

“People think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket,” Timberlake told Fashion Rocks, a supplement of Vanity Fair. Timberlake also thinks that Hicks’ fame is fragile. “If [Hicks] has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he’s gay, and if all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like [then he takes on a thick southern accent], ‘Oh my god, I voted for a queer!’ It’s just too much pressure.”

We get it, Justin. You smoke weed, you sport a tat, you’re banging Jordan Catalano’s ex, and you’ve risen to that pined-for pinnacle of your career at which your album titles can eschew the space bar entirely. No more Mr. Nice Guy for you, JT. You are hardcore, and what better way to put the nail in your boy-band image coffin than to go on record questioning both the vocal skills and heterosexuality of last season’s AmIdol winner? You are so. Fucking. Cool. Yo.

Regarding his raven-haired former flame, he says “I dated Britney half my life, but I don’t know that woman anymore.” Okay. Memo to Brit: the win-him-back plan didn’t work. Cut your losses now.