Lord knows plenty of girls across America wanted a shot at Chris Richardson, but it’s possible he’s not exactly the best boyfriend in the world. Star Magazine reports that the recently ousted Idol may be cheating on his girlfriend back in Virginia with Lauren Conrad, and that he started dating the Virginia girlfriend while she was still married! According to the mag:

Rumor has it that booted AI contestant Chris Richardson may soon be dating The Hills hottie Lauren Conrad behind the back of his hometown girlfriend, Gayle Barnett. And that’s a situation Chris is already used to, says a source- who claims Chris and Gayle began romancing while her then husband was fighting in Iraq! “Gayle was still married when she first met Chris in the early summer of 2003, when he was hired as a fry cook at the Hooters in his hometown of Chesapeake, Va.,” the source tells Star. “They started dating, and they didn’t try to keep it a secret. Gayle was still wearing her wedding ring, and everyone knew she was married, including Chris. Apparently neither of them cared.” Local Virginia newspapers recently featured a number of interviews with Gayle, 26, who is always describes as Chris’s “girlfriend of four years.” But according to Virginia Beach Circuit Court documents, in her June 2005 divorce filing against her husband, she lists their separation date as September 2004- more than a year after the source says she and Chris began dating!

What is it with AmIdol and Hooters? That’s where Sanjaya’s sister worked, too.

Whatever, I’m a Blake girl anyway.

Since the show decided to be total pussies last week and put the American public’s thirst for blood behind African children’s thirst for, well, water, we still have six contestants to deal with this week. Luckily, two of them are going home tomorrow.

According to Ryan, donations from last week raised “almost 70 million dollars.” Because, you know, more of you voted for American Idol contestants than voted in the last presidential election. But that’s cool. Why concern yourselves with the fate of our nation when the fate of Jordin Sparks is in your hands?

Tonight is Bon Jovi night. Remember Bon Jovi, Jordin? No, no you don’t. Remember when Slippery When Wet was released? No, you don’t, because you weren’t going to be born for over three more years. In other news, I have officially started menopause.

Bon Jovi thinks they should “make the songs your own.” Thank God someone finally told them that. It’s really the key piece of advice they’ve been missing.

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Let’s see you beat that, Brangelina! American Idol’s “very special” Idol Gives Back has raised over $60 million for the newly formed Charity Projects Entertainment Fund. The proceeds will be split between the U.S. — funding literacy programs, food banks, children’s health programs and Boys & Girls Club — and Africa, where they will help fight malaria, AIDS and TB.

Viewers phoned in a record 70 million votes on Tuesday night, and NewsCorp, which owns Fox, kicked in $5 million by shelling out ten cents a vote for the first 50 million votes (NewsCorp reported $2.3 billion in net income for 2006). Ellen Degeneres chipped in $100,000, and so many viewers called in to donate additional funds during Wednesday night’s two-hour telecast that the lines were often busy.

You can continue to donate at AmericanIdol.com. The final fundraising tally will be announced on Tuesday’s show.

Oh. Fuck. Yes.

It’s the “very special” episode of American Idol. Ooh, is it the one where Melinda gets a beer spilled on her at the dance and Uncle Jesse thinks she’s drinking? Or is it the one where someone’s smoking a “roach” in the boys’ locker room and Zack Morris and Blake Lewis learn an important lesson about responsibility? Or maybe even the one where Jordin’s best friend thinks she might be pregnant and has to make a very difficult decision (and then is not pregnant, lest the producers have to make a very difficult decision)? Or is it the one where Ryan Seacrest finally admits to Simon that sometimes he feels a little tingle in his naughty place when they’re standing close?

No, no. It’s Idol! Gives! Back! And to emphasize the seriousness of the occasion, we’re kicking things off with Ryan in the control room. It’s that important. Ryan turns around to watch all the television sets, and, with his back to the camera, narrates, “The calls you make will not only save your favorite contestants,” then turns around to face the camera. “They will also save lives.” Ooooh. Did anyone else feel that? Yeah. It’s a ratings boost.

Jesus, Ryan looks tired. Oh, there’s a two-hour results show. Guess what I’ll be watching tomorrow night? The Internet!

Now we’re going to see a lot of poor people in Africa. It is dirty there and people are orphaned. Ugh, I shouldn’t be so cynical about this. It’s not even sweeps week yet (not for two more days). Maybe they are really trying to help. The musical theme is “songs that inspire.”

(more…)

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for: it’s country night here on American Idol. Ryan’s dressed for the occasion by wearing — what else? — purple. The mentor for this week is Kellie Pickler. Oh, no, that’s only in my fantasies. (Or an SNL sketch? Lorne Michaels, call me.) It’s actually Martina McBride, who is one of those rare country artists I really like. We cut to Martina McBride in a studio, leading our remaining seven idols in what I would guess is the worst rendition of “Independence Day” you’ll come across outside of your local sorority’s body-shot/sing-along night.

Phil Stacey’s up first. Singing “Where the Blacktop Ends” by Keith Urban. We cut to this weird shot of Phil and Martina in the studio, and I think they’re talking as the director motions for them to hit their mark by the piano, so they both seem really distracted, and Martina’s asking Phil about Kansas as she walks backwards, so it seems like he’s cornering her. I have no idea why they used that shot. Phil is — thank God — not wearing his Oliver! cap tonight, and looks respectably country-cool in black pants and a black shirt with only a hint of shiny stripes. He does seem comfortable on stage tonight, and he’s walking through the audience giving people high-fives and hugs, pausing to make love to the camera every now and then, and it’s kind of working as an act. Vocally he’s nothing special tonight, but he’s holding it down. Someone didn’t think the camera work through quite right, so we have a solid ten seconds of the back of his bald little head before they figure it out. Phil has a really small head, like a character from Goonies or something. I just noticed that. Ha! Randy’s all like, “From an accomplished producer,” as he gestures to himself, “you’re going to have a career in country music.” Randy is nothing if not modest. Paula is in that weird place where I’m not sure if she’s high or stupid, but she liked it, I think. Simon liked it quite a bit. Ryan, making fun of Phil, goes “Woooo!” and makes a face that I think is supposed to be hard-core, but you know what he looks like? That’s painting, The Scream? Of that ghost-like dude? If you still have this episode TiVo’d, go to minute 8, wait ’til Ryan goes “Woooo!” and pause it. Then look at that painting. I think Ryan was the model. And then Ryan, again making fun of Phil, goes “Love you love you!” and suddenly I realize that he was the inspiration for Crank Yankers‘ Special Ed. Ryan, darling, Phil is not the one walking away from this encounter feeling silly.

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Who knew that little Paris Bennet was so bitter at losing American Idol. According to TMZ, Paris has evidently decided to support Sanjaya to prove that “American Idol” is a joke. Paris called into a Minneapolis radio show, the “Tone E Fly Morning Show,” to let the world know really what she thinks about Idol.

“We want to see him [Sanjaya] win because it’ll kind of prove that ‘American Idol’ is kind of losing its taste,” says Bennett, “it kinda isn’t going for talent anymore and more for popularity.”

Paris, didn’t know you were so sassy. Does she think that she was more marketable that Taylor or Carrie? Yes she had an awesome voice but being and Idol is not just about talent. You gotta have the look, some kind of voice and the public are the ones who choose.

I hope you know Paris that every gig that you play and every album you sell is directly related to the fact that you were on “American Idol.” Don’t bite the hand that feeds you but hey, nice headshot. Hope that music career is going well for you.

Sigh. I hate that I’m writing this story. I put it off for awhile, hoping this story would just flicker out and die, and yet it persists, and so I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t bring it to you. Someone who was once on American Idol has a raunchy sex tape. Who, you ask? Kellie Pickler, maybe? Nikki McKibbin? Clay Aiken? Maybe even Jim Verraros? Ooh, or Jim Verraros with Clay Aiken?? No, no. It’s no one you’ve heard of, silly. It’s some chick named Olivia Mojica, but honestly her name might as well be Pornstar McBangy for all you care. You don’t remember her. She was somewhere in the Top 24 of season two and I have absolutely no idea how this became a story. It turns out that the American public likes sex tapes.

The tape’s being released by Vivid, the geniuses behind Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. They claim they got the tape from a third party, and it turns out that, if you carefully rearrange the letters in “third party,” they actually spell “Olivia Mojica.” It’s apparently quite raunchy, and TMZ has the stills if you’re into that sort of thing. As more of the footage gets leaked, I’ll of course be linking you to it in my daily link round-up, because I’m reliable like that. If I get to it a little late, it’s just because I’m too busy shopping my sex tape, Feel the Beet. The website should go live early next week. Someone tell TMZ.