This comes so far out of left field, it’s guaranteed to be a home run. As we were all sitting around, shaking our heads and wondering how on earth American Idol could continue to be interesting during its post-Paulum depression, the FOX executives were doing something absolutely genius: They were hiring Ellen Degeneres.

Ellen will take the fourth judge’s seat after its preliminary auditions phase (so basically she gets to miss out on the worst part.) “I’ve watched since the beginning and I’ve always been a huge fan, so getting this job is a dream come true,” said Ellen.

It’s funny this should happen today. I’ve been absent from around here for awhile — I was at a cabin in the middle of Idaho, for anyone who’s interested — and this morning I found myself sitting in front of the TV as it happened to be tuned to Ellen. It’s been years since I’ve watched her show, and I was just struck with how creative and entertaining and all-around brilliant her show is. I was like “I wish I had the opportunity to see more of her.” AND NOW I WILL!

Ya know, I really thought Paula was irreplaceable on that show. I bet she thought that, too. But they didn’t try to find another Paula — they found her polar opposite. I think Ellen will continue Paula’s tradition of treating the contestants with kindness, but she’ll be perceptive and (intentionally) funny and sober in the process, and I think it’ll be fantastic for the show. Ellen seems to have lately really embraced her inner butch lesbian — and I’m loving the look on her — and I think it’ll be fantastic to have an openly gay presence on the show. I’m certain it’ll prevent Ryan and Simon from hinting at one another’s homosexuality as an insult, which was getting really really old.

Well-played, my friends at FOX.

It was discovered last week that Michael Douglas’ son Cameron, 30, had been arrested for dealing meth. The drug arrest was less shocking than the size of it, as Cameron sent about a pound and a half of meth via FedEx, an amount valued around 18 thousand dollars, at least on a couple occasions.

Supposedly it wasn’t too hard to bust Cam, as this is something he had kept up for years. Make the meth, package and ship it across the country calling it “bath salts” or “pastry” and get paid. Unfortunately, the DEA caught on to his ways after several of his former pals and employees ditched him out. As of right now, the authorities are still staying silent on whether or not Douglas is still being charged or even if he’s still behind bars.

I’m devastated. Just appalled. Apparently Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol because she could not reach a contract agreement with the producers. (Read: They were tired of having to babysit a wasted Paula on live television twice weekly.) I guess we all kind of saw this coming last year, when they brought Kara on board, and later when they were having contract difficulties, but something inside me believed that it would never really happen. I was wrong.

Paula tweeted about this national catastrophe:

With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to #IDOL. I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all..Cont’d…

I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent,but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day1become an international phenomenon.

What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me

I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch Idol without Paula. Half the fun of that show for me is playing the “How high is Paula?” game I invented. Oh Paula. Don’t leave me!

Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell stood behind boyfriend Henry Beckwith to block her bod from the paps at a polo match while she readjusted her misbehaving dress. Her beau seems to be a good sport about it, but the photos look ridiculous. Check out the gallery below!

Yes, yes, I am aware how awful the photo on this post is, but at least it’s authentic!  After seeing the first episode of Comedy Central’s new show Michael and Michael Have Issues (or MMHI) at the screening on Monday night in NYC, my sister Sierra decided to take a picture of Michael Ian Black’s face as he was trying to exit the room.  His response?  “Wow, that wasn’t obnoxious at all.  You’re tall.  I’m not hitting on you, you’re just tall.” [Ed: Sierra is approximately 5'12"] We had a great time and really enjoyed the free peanut M&M’s (personally, I ate 3 bags) and Sam Adams beer (impossible to count how many I had of those . . . .).

The show is actually really hilarious.  It consists of short sketches and live stand-up comedy performed and written by comedians Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter.  The comedic duo keeps us laughing with their serious karate moves and fake movie previews.   The premier is tonight, Wednesday July 15th, at 10:30 pm/9:30 central and I highly recommend you tune in!  Seriously people, when did Ian Black ever let you down?  RIP Best Week Ever.

“They decided to be indecisive.  It was a ruling that doesn’t resolve anything because there is still inequality. It’s like [George Orwell's Animal Farm] — some pigs are more equal than other pigs. We’re more equal than some of the other gays and lesbians.”

Star Trek alum George Takei, referring to his still-legal marriage in the state of California.

“That’s just awful. I mean when you see places like Iowa saying yes and there’s now five states [in favour] in America…and California is supposed to be a progressive state it just defies logic to me and I’m very disappointed with that.”

Elton John to Access Hollywood [Five states?  Really?]

“Today the California Supreme Court decided to uphold Prop 8, outlawing gay marriage in California. This really makes me sad. I thought we were more forward thinking than this, and I’m disappointed in the Supreme Court for being so closed minded. Everyone.. gay, straight, bisexual, transgendered, EVERYONE should have equal rights to marry who they want to. I have many gay friends and all I want is for them to be happy, yet this is just another obstacle in their way. Now they must continue fighting to be granted a basic civil right that many people take for granted. Shame on you, California! We must all continue to fight the h8!”

Kim Kardashian on her blog.

“So, will anyone be sleeping better tonight? Those full of hate and fear will surely be disappointed that 18,000 same sex couples
will be living in wedded bliss, kissing their spouses goodnight, checking off those little ‘ married ‘ boxes on all those forms we fill out nowadays. That’s really going to drive them crazy. Then there are those of us like me who still dangle in ‘ domestic partnership. ‘ We can adopt our own children, but we can’t bring our partners who might be citizens from out of the country, here. We can’t file joint tax returns. I could go on. Who will be happy tonight? How do I explain this to my children? Well, you know Ellen? She is married but Mommy and I are not. That is liberty and justice for all? I am hopeful as I see more and more states turn to the inevitable future of equality, California will get there. Change takes time.”

Melissa Etheridge, in a released statement.

“Marriage is worth protecting because it is the way we teach the next generation: children need mothers and fathers. This victory for Prop 8 is a victory for children, for civil rights, and for the common good.”

Maggie Gallagher, president of the National Organization for Marriage

“This just should invigorate people to get it back on the ballot in 2010 and 2012 and every two years until all people are allowed a basic civil right.”

George Clooney, to E!

And my personal favorite?

“No comment.”

Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean.

You are WRONG, America. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!

While I do feel Kris Allen is an incredibly talented young man, and I do respect him for that, Adam Lambert is a one-of-a-kind artist, and clearly head and shoulders above Kris’s John Mayer impersonation.

There’s a lot of talk right now about whether or not this has to do with Adam being gay. Eight seasons in and we still haven’t had a gay American Idol. (Well, except for Kelly Clarkson, but I think she’s still a few years away from coming out of the closet.) Personally, I don’t think it’s about Adam being gay, per se; I think it’s about American teenagers wanting a cookie-cutter performance from a cookie-cutter talent, like Danny Gokey or Kris Allen.

I, for one, will be buying Adam’s AMAZING album when it comes out, and Allison’s. You can keep the rest of ‘em.

(Oh, and seriously, if you didn’t want spoilers, get off the Internet.)

What’s up with this? Despite all the buzz around Adam Lambert, yesterday’s performance finale of American Idol drew the lowest ratings ever for a finale of the series. Granted, the “lowest ratings ever” still involve 23.7 million people, but what’s the deal with this?

My opinion?

Everyone already knew Adam was going to win by a landslide. It wasn’t an exciting, tight race to tune in for. I like Kris, I do, but he doesn’t stand a chance against Adam, who’s been unstoppable since day one. You could totally tell in the judge’s final remarks; they were all like “You’ve done a great job, Kris. You should be really proud of yourself.” Like the way I talk to my chihuahua when he and my neighbor’s golden retriever race for a ball up on my deck. “Good job, Leo! You ran really fast after that ball! You’ve got a lot of spirit, boy!” Meanwhile, the golden retriever’s clear on the other side of the deck with the ball hanging out of his mouth, while my dog’s still staring at me, waiting for me to finish what I’m saying before he prances five feet away and begins sunbathing.

Oh, and Kara’s single? SUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS. I think the word “mountain” should be banned from song lyrics. President Obama?

Well this would be a first for an Idol cast-off.

Danny Gokey, famous for wearing glasses on stage, wants to start his own line of eyewear!

“I want to come out with a line of glasses,” says the third-place finisher, known for his fashionable array of eyewear. “And hopefully somehow tie into the foundation [his deceased wife Sophia's Heart Foundation]. Maybe some of the proceeds can help whatever we try to do for the foundation. I would really like to start a Danny line or a Gokey line.”

Danny says he started out the season of Idol with only 15 pairs of glasses, but since appearing on the show, “glasses have been raining out of the sky,” and he’s up to more than 50 pairs.

He also says he’d like to model.

In addition to having his own line of eyewear, the Milwaukee singer says he’d jump at the chance to model glasses as well. “I would love to be an eyeglass model. I’m serious,” he says. “That would be so cool. I haven’t been offered anything yet because I’m just leaving the American Idol bubble right now. I hope I made glasses cool for kids. That was kind of the word that I got on the street—that kids were kind of excited to wear glasses again.”

In case it wasn’t clear: “On the record, I would love to do anything glasses-wise,” he adds.

Ummmm, this is sweet and all, but who the hell owns 15 pairs of glasses? I wear glasses, and I own one pair of glasses, and then a really old pair that I keep in a drawer in case I lose or break the existing pair. Do you know how much eyeglasses cost? I mean, they’re usually like $150 at the lower end. So Danny Gokey had over $2000 worth of glasses before he ever even got famous. Who does that??

Lynyrd Skynyrd bassist Donald “Ean” Evans passed away Wednesday at the age of forty-eight after a short battle with an aggressive form of cancer.

Lynyrd Skynyrd is a band that has been plagued with years of a tragic history.  In 1977, a plane crash claimed the life of three band members.  One of the survivors, Billy Powell passed away earlier this year at the age of forty-six.  In 2001, Leon Wilkinson, Evans’ predecessor died in his sleep at the young age of forty-nine.

Evans is survived by his wife and two daughters.

“I can’t wait to see my name on a trivia card.”

Idol castoff Matt Giraud, pulling out the perfect answer when asked how he felt about the first person to be “saved” in Idol history. Full interview with Matt is here.

Recognize this little girl? You should, she’s on your television every week singing on American Idol. But this isn’t her first televised singing competition! In 2007, Allison won a Telemundo show called ‘Quinceañera: Mama Quiero Ser Artista’ (Sweet Fifteen: Mom, I Want to be an Artist). On the show, a group of teenagers were competing for a recording contract and a $50,000 cash prize. And Allison won! Apparently she never actually recorded an album — and no one’s quite sure if winning the show should make her ineligible for Idol.

I say give the girl a break. She was like 14 back then! She couldn’t have even auditioned for Idol if she’d wanted to. And if we didn’t allow people to participate in more than one reality TV show, what would become of Adrianne Curry’s flourishing career? (Don’t answer that.) I still love Allison, I think she’s tremendously talented, and I’ll vote for her again next week! (Although I will make damn sure to vote for Adam Lambert, too — everyone must have assumed he was safe!)